Red Letter Year
by theswandive
Summary: Alice needs to leave her single life behind. Venturing out with her brother, she finds more than she expected in a pair of warm brown eyes. What started out as a physical need may, in fact, be more.
1. Chapter 1  The Whole Night

**Hi readers! Be gentle. It's my first time! **

**I hope you like it, and if you don't, that's okay too. **

**Of course, S Meyer owns it all, I don't own anything. **

On this particular Friday night, I find myself standing in front of the hallway mirror, running my fingers through my hair, arranging it so that it's situated just right. Smoothing down my black t-shirt, it looks good, no wrinkles. My favorite pair of dark jeans are hanging low on my hips (or lack thereof) in just the right fashion. Due to the fact that I'm vertically challenged, I cuff the bottoms, and all is well in the land of symmetry. Black hi-top Chucks, tied and knotted once more, just for good measure. You may leave the house now, your hotness.

_You look like a million bucks. You're going to meet someone special tonight. _This is what I'm telling myself as I've been single for way too long and tonight I've decided will mark the end of that era. I will find a hot lady and I will bed her. _Who even says shit like that? Me, that's who._

Needing to get laid, coupled with a little persuasion by my brother, has me standing in front of the mirror primping and perfecting. I'm ready to hit the streets of Chicago, that is, if he ever gets his ass out here.

"Edward! I'm ready! Let's go! Now! Please!" I yell down the hall, and just because I constantly worry about this, I add,"Oh, and do _not_ wear a black shirt! We are not the fucking double-mint twins!"

I check my clothes again for wrinkles or lint. I might have a slight case of OCD. Fine, I have more than a slight case, but only about a few things, not everything. That would make me _exactly_ like my brother. He's a fucking freak show on legs. At least I can hide that shit and seem normal enough to the outside world. I don't think he even tries sometimes.

Other than the tits and the cock-n-balls, we are pretty much the same person. We both have green eyes, short hair that always has a mind of its own, otherwise known as "the freshly-fucked look" and is an odd mixture of copper and light brown,that I don't think is supposed to exist in nature. I dye mine black because that's how I roll. Basically, I am the female version of him – only hotter.

Finally, he comes barreling down the hall, the sound not unlike a herd of baby elephants. "Keep your panties on, Alice, I'm ready." He's wearing a white v-neck shirt with his favorite jeans that have more holes than not, and the same black shoes that I am currently wearing.

"First of all, why are you trying to steal my style?" I give him the evil eye. "Secondly, I don't wear panties, you know this. Even without x-ray vision I can tell you that we both are sporting Hanes boxer briefs, the underpants of champions. I have been buying them for the both of us since we were teenagers."

"Yeah. Okay, Alice. Why don't you add that to the list of things to never tell other people, especially those you plan on meeting tonight and paying to come home with you," he retorts. He thinks this is funny, so wrong he is.

"Oh, hey, I completely forgot to mention this to you earlier: fuck you."

"You're such a lady."

"I could say the same to you."

I'm done with this conversation. "Seriously, let's go before I chicken out and I'm in my pajamas on the couch watching reruns of _Everybody Hates Chris,_" I plead with him.

"I just have to check the locks and then we can go," he says as he's walking away from me. He's always locking and unlocking all the doors in our loft. Like I said before, freak show on legs.

Eventually we make it out to the street and head towards Boystown. Even though the name doesn't exactly fit the scenario that I'm looking for, a gay neighborhood in Chicago is a gay neighborhood in Chicago, it's all the same. Usually where there are gay boys there will always be gay girls, most likely playing pool because lesbians have a thing for hitting balls with sticks. It's true.

We grab a cab and are now on our way. I hate riding in cabs; I can never watch where we're going because it scares the living shit out of me, the way cabbies drive. I keep my head down. Currently I'm flattening out each and every wrinkle I find in my jeans.

Edward is chuckling at me under his breath, so I punch his thigh, hard.

"Jesus Christ, Alice!" he screams like a little girl.

"What? Did that hurt?" I ask.

He sighs. "Can we not revert to our twelve-year old selves for one night? I plan on bringing a nice boy home, and you will not ruin it for me. This means there will be no angry-folk-music-loving-flannel-shirt-wearing-lesbian act tonight, understand?" he says, trying to sound authoritative, and failing.

"Yes, brother dear, I will not pretend to love Melissa Etheridge in front of you and your man candy this evening," I promise him.

"Good."

"Good," I say in return, and smile my sweetest, most insincere smile.

Once we arrive at our destination, Edward, being the utter gentleman that he is, extends his hand to help me out of the backseat, and then he pays for the cab. This is the part I like the best about hanging out with him. He always pays. What's not to like? Exactly.

This tiny hole in the wall, aptly named, _The Closet_, is our favorite hangout, when we...uh...hang out. The bouncer checks our IDs and we are in like Flynn.

It's dark, crowded, sweaty, and loud. I like it. It's easy enough to go unnoticed if that's what mood I'm in or just as easy to _get_ noticed. I think I'm feeling the latter this evening.

First and foremost, it's time for drinks. "Brother, what do you want?" I yell in his ear.

"Heineken, please," he yells back, and he hands me some cash. He's the best.

I bulldoze my way up to the bar and order our drinks. Amazingly enough,I was actually waited on in less than twenty minutes. Occasionally there can be long wait times when you have boobs, and you're in a bar full of gay dudes. I order my favorite local I.P.A., grab our beers and head back through the crowd to find Edward. He's standing with his back to me talking to someone, so I nudge him in the back with my elbow to get his attention.

He introduces me to his new friend. "Jasper, this is my little sister, Alice. Alice, this is Jasper. He just moved to Chicago."

"Hey, Jasper, good to meet you." He nods his head in greeting. His light brown wavy hair is pulled back in a short pony tail and a few strands are hanging in front of his eyes. They're a deep chocolaty brown, they're almost pretty.

He shakes my hand, and his grip is firm and not sweaty. I like him already.

"Nice to meet you, too, young lady. My sister's around here somewhere. I'll introduce you when I find her," he replies. I shrug and tell him it's no big deal. Is the southern drawl for real? We'll see if it still around after he's had a few drinks.

Jasper and my brother are getting along swimmingly. I stand there, very much like a third wheel, sipping my beer and scanning the crowd while they flirt unabashedly. There aren't very many women here tonight. This is a downer. I'll have to drink more, so that I can have fun without the prospect of getting some lovin'.

After I chug my beer, I squeeze Edward's arm to get his attention and tip my head towards the bar. He looks at Jasper, who then nods back, and Edward then holds up two fingers. I salute him.

I trudge my way back through the crowd and up to the bar. I stand there trying to look as bad-ass as possible so that I get some service, when my entire body is suddenly slammed into the wooden rail and the air whooshes out of my chest.

"What the fuck?" I rasp. I turn around to see what drunken douche bag just knocked the shit out of me, and I am met with fumbling hands, long brown hair, and beautiful girl.

"Shit, I am so sorry. Are you OK?" she asks.

I just stand there staring at her pretty face and saying nothing. _Come on mouth, you can do it. Spit it out._ I blink a few times. "Um, my mouth isn't working. I mean, yes, I'm OK. Are you OK?" I sputter.

She laughs and it's pretty, too. _Wow, you're so lame right now. _

She rolls her eyes. "I almost gave you a concussion and you're asking me how I am?" And now she's laughing at me.

"I'm glad I amuse you." I'm trying to suppress my smile, but it's not going so well.

I can tell she's trying to decide if I'm joking or if I'm just being a total bitch. I let her off the hook. "I'm only joking."

"Thanks, I figured as much," she says.

Oh, snarky and pretty. Good combination. Not to mention the gorgeous brown eyes, the sweet heart-shaped face, flawless skin with just the right amount of freckles, and the poutiest lips I've ever seen.

I realize there's silence between us and we're openly staring at each other. Ogling is probably more like it.

Brain and mouth function finally returns. "Um, I'm Alice. It's nice to meet you."

I somehow manage to properly route the signals from my brain to my arm and we shake hands. Hers is warm and soft, and she holds on a little longer than I expected. My spine feels tingly at the contact.

She shakes her head as if to snap herself out of a daydream and says, "Bella. I'm Bella. I just moved to the city with my brother. He's around here somewhere." She scans the crowd, looking for what I assume to be Jasper. "That wouldn't be Jasper would it?" I ask her.

She tilts her head to the side in this really cute way, while biting her bottom lip and says, "Yes, it would be actually. How do you...?"

Explain yourself before she thinks you're a freaky psycho stalker. "My brother Edward, he's over there, is talking to him." I point to the spot currently occupied by our brothers.

"He mentioned that he just moved here with his sister. I just put two and two together," I continued, getting nervous now. _Since when do I get nervous around girls?_

I don't want to say anything stupid or offensive. I don't want her to go away.

"Well then, why don't we go join them? We can get cozy and properly acquainted," she says.

Is she flirting or am I just being a pervert? I'm not entirely sure at this point, so I just nod my head in the affirmative.

"Do you need another drink or are you done for the night?" I ask.

"Done for the night? No way! I definitely need another one. Considering I just spilled mine in the process of almost knocking you out." She looks embarrassed and it's so endearing. "I'm way too sober for meeting new people right now." Her smile is melting my insides.

"Well, let me buy you a drink then. A welcome-to-the-neighborhood celebration?" I offer.

"That's really sweet of you. I'd love a beer, please. Anything local. I like to support the smaller breweries. They treat beer-making like an art form," she says.

_Um, marry me? Have my babies?_ "No problem, I'll surprise you," I say. I'm fucking swooning right now. Is this girl for real? Or have I finally cracked and created an imaginary perfect woman?

We have our drinks in hand and are making our way over to Edward and Jasper, who are now literally inches apart from each other. I've learned this is how boys introduce their penises to each other in public places. What could be so important that you have to stand so close and whisper to each other? Are they trading stock tips? Doubtful. I smack Edward on the ass and he jumps about five feet in the air.

"Really?" he says angrily, and glares at me.

"That doesn't work on me, just so you know," I quip. "Edward, this is Bella. Bella, this is my brother Edward." I turn to Bella. "And you're familiar with Jasper, right?"

"Yes, Jasper and I go way back," she laughs.

Score!

"Nice to meet you, Edward." she says, and extends her hand out to shake his.

Edward, who is usually really smart, stammers out the following at an achingly slow pace, while rudely pointing at everyone: "Oh, so you met my sister, and then I met your brother, and we're all gay. That's so weird and so interesting. And so weird."

"Wow, Edward. Way to showcase your social skills," I say, and roll my eyes, yet again.

"For the record, Bella has neither confirmed nor denied her gayness. I, for one, am putting my money on a life of lesbianism, but that's just my fine-tuned gaydar speaking."

"I didn't know I had to declare my gayness." She's joking. I hope. "Yes, Alice, you are correct. I am a sexual deviant extraordinaire. What gave it away?" she asks.

I like how she says my name.

"Honestly, the 'Ani Fucking DiFranco' t-shirt made it obvious to me. But only chicks notice that sort of thing. Edward probably figured you were gay because he saw you checking out my ass," I joke.

She turns beet red instantly, and her eyes are wide as saucers. She just puts her head down and laughs. I am really digging the lip biting. She should keep doing that.

"Soooo...anyway. Anyone up for a game of pool?" I ask.

"Pool tables are all full. I'm kind of done with this place, it's getting too crowded," Edward interjects.

I know what he's really saying. Good cover, though.

"We're the newbies here, so what do you guys suggest we do?" Bella asks.

This is too easy. "Why don't you guys come back to our place? We have plenty of beer, and we can chill. Have you guys ever played _PaRappa the Rapper_ for Playstation?" I can feel Edward rolling his eyes at me as I am saying the words.

"I'm positive that neither of them has ever heard of that game. You are the only person on the planet that is obsessed with a rapping puppy."

"Shut up. Can you read their minds? No, you can't. So let them speak for themselves," I say indignantly.

"Actually, I would love to. I have no idea what that game is, but I'm always up for checking out musically inclined dogs," Bella says. She's mocking me, and I love it.

"Sure thing, me too. Let's get out of here," Jasper adds. He so wants to do my brother. I'm happy for them, even though it makes me a little nauseous, I really am.

Edward leads the way out of the bar, Jasper following behind him, and Bella right behind Jasper. Time to check out the goods. Holy hell, for a skinny white girl she sure does have a robust rump. Her dark jeans accentuate her body in all the right places, and I am finding no issue in this area. She is totally swaying her hips and it's like a mating call. I want to make out with her in the worst way.

The four of us squeeze into a cab, and I make Edward sit in front. He is my bitch until he finds a way to get back at me, which he inevitably will. Jasper is sitting by the passenger door, with Bella in the middle, and me at the end. Our legs are touching and it's making the already fluttering butterflies go mad inside my belly.

Jasper and Edward are staring out their windows watching the passing cars. I can't help but wonder what Bella is thinking right now. The mood in the car is quiet and full of expectation. I wonder if they have the same feelings for each other that I currently have for Bella.

I'm not sure where to put my hands, so I just lay them in my lap. Bella reaches over, grabs my left arm, and turns it so that my forearm is facing up.

"What does this mean?" she asks, tracing my tattoo.

"It's a Mayan symbol for the Earth." I barely get the words out. I mean, she's touching me, how could I possibly function right now?

She's continues her trek up and down my arm and my breathing has accelerated. The thumping in my chest is surely audible.

"I like it. It's so unique. It suits you." Then she smiles at me. Oh yeah, she's flirting.

"Thanks. I kind of have a tattoo addiction. I have a lot more," I say lamely, and continue nodding even though I've stopped speaking.

"Well you'll have to show them all to me sometime."

"Yes. OK," is my winning reply. Is it hot in here? Christ. Are we there yet? I can't believe I want to get out of a confined space with this girl, but it's starting to overwhelm me and I need a little room to breathe.

"Right here is good," Edward tells the driver. He pays him, and I open the door to get out. Taking a lesson from my brother, I decide to try out a little chivalry. I look at Bella as she's starting to put her foot on the pavement and I extend my hand. Her mouth lifts at one corner, and she's trying to suppress a smile. I take her hand and help her out of the cab.

"Thank you, you're such a gentleman," she says.

"I do what I can," I say, and now it's my turn to try to hide the shit-eating grin on my face.

"You guys live here?" Jasper speaks up. "This looks like an old, abandoned warehouse. The kind where mafia guys bring their hits because there won't be anyone around to hear the screaming," he adds.

"Jasper! That's no way to talk about our new friends' digs. I bet you the inside is amazing. Now apologize," Bella reprimands. She handles the brother situation just like I would; you have to beat them into submission.

"Sorry, guys. Sometimes the filter isn't always available. I meant no disrespect," he says.

Edward, trying not to laugh, says, "None taken. Come on, let's go inside." He's using his sexy voice. Good luck Jasper.

He grabs Jasper's hand, and then leads us in to the lobby of the building.

Bella's right; the outside looks sketchy, because, well, it is. She is also correct in her assumption that the inside does not mirror the facade, because we wouldn't be living here otherwise. When we were looking for a place to start over, Edward and I decided that this would be the perfect spot for us to set up shop. It's a little secluded in this neighborhood because no one wants to move here yet. It's "up and coming" as the developers say. I don't really worry about walking around by myself during the day, but I also wouldn't be hanging outside the building after dark on purpose, either.

We pile into the elevator. It starts its five floor ascent. Cue sexual tension. All four of us are leaning against the rails of the elevator staring down at the floor. I don't know about the boys, but I'm ready to attack Bella at the first moment we're left alone. I certainly hope she feels the same way. If not, that could be awkward. The elevator dings and we're stepping off.

"Welcome to casa de Cullen," I say as I unlock the door. I'm such a dork, and to make matters worse, I then bow and extend my arm, inviting them in. Everyone files in, and I flip on the lights.

"Wow. This place is great. It's so light and open," Bella says, scanning the loft. "I love it."

"What were you expecting, a dungeon with a torture chamber? We would have provided waivers before we let you inside if we had planned to beat you with whips and chains tonight." What the fuck am I saying? Did I just say whips and chains? I've known her for a total of two hours. Maybe I should try to rein it in a little.

She laughs heartily, and I realize that Jasper and Edward are missing. Wow, OK. So I guess they aren't wasting any time.

"Umm, can I get you anything to drink? We have beer, wine, water, milk." Did I just offer her milk? How about some chocolate chip cookies or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

"A beer would be great. Thank you."

"Right this way, Madame," I say. She follows me into the kitchen, and I grab us both beers. I'm rummaging through the drawer trying to find the opener when I feel her reach around me.

"Here, let me. I'm good at finding things that are lost and buried," she says.

I'm sure what she just said holds some real significance that I cannot even begin to process right now. Her proximity has rendered me useless. She smells so good. It's a heady combination of a flowery perfume, nighttime air, and girl. Don't sniff. Whatever you do, do not sniff her.

I look over my shoulder and we make eye contact. I could lose myself in her brown eyes. They're deep and rich and warm. "Be my guest."

I move out of her way and watch her sort through all of our kitchen utensils. She finds it within seconds.

"You're like some kind of stealthy kitchen ninja. Very impressive."

"Thanks, I have lots of hidden talents. Finding a bottle opener just happens to be one of them," she replies. Then she winks.

I am so dead, barely holding in the urge to kiss her now. We will drink our beers in an awkward yet comfortable silence, and then I will make my move.

We both lean against the granite counter top side by side. Bella is the first to crack.

"Umm, so you and your brother live here together? Is it just the two of you?"

I am watching her long slender fingers play with the mouth of her bottle. "Yeah, it's just the two of us." We are teetering towards a touchy subject, but I don't show it and I will just change direction if she starts fishing.

"It's a really funny coincidence that you and your brother just moved to the city to live together as well. I didn't think that there were all that many homo brother/sister combos out there," I tell her with a smile. I couldn't say anything right now without smiling.

"I agree. I've never met anyone else with the same situation before, either. We had to get out of Forks. It's a tiny town in Washington. When you're from a place with less than four thousand people you find out pretty quickly that you're only safe while you're still a kid. If you're gay, I mean. Once you're out of high school there are literally no prospects. That is, of course, unless I wanted to join the local church and get re-programmed, then I'd have a dozen potential suitors to choose from," she says.

This makes me laugh hard and I almost spit beer out of my nose. "Sorry," I choke. I grab a paper towel off the roll and wipe my mouth.

"Here, let me get that." She grabs the towel from my hands and starts to dab at the corners of my mouth. It's a very intimate moment, and again, I don't know what to do with my hands. Reaching behind me, I set my beer down on the counter. Tentatively, I place my hands on her hips. She doesn't protest. We're looking directly into each other's eyes. We've been playing this game all night. Who will look away first? It's difficult to keep it up; I want to look down so badly. I don't have to wait long because she looks away first.

I place my finger under her chin and tilt it up ever so slightly. "Please don't look down. I like looking at your eyes." Where this courage is coming from, I have no idea. My heart is beating wildly in my chest and I'm sure I'm going to pass out at any moment.

"Thank you. You're very sweet."

"You're welcome."

She looks like she wants to say something, but is hesitating. She's being so quiet. Maybe she's just as nervous as I am? I don't know if that's possible, considering I haven't been with anyone in over a year and that I have _never_ done this kind of thing with a person I've just met. Or attempted to do this kind of thing, I guess.

"Um, I just want to try one thing. Is that ok?" I ask in a small voice.

"Anything," she says, and I think she means it.

Anything. Well, that is helpful information. "I'm going to hold you to that," I joke.

She just smiles.

I close my eyes and tilt my head. It takes a millennium, but I lean in and our noses are touching, our hearts are beating rapid-fire, and I can feel her breath on my face. Slowly and surely, I move just a fraction of an inch closer and place a kiss on the corner of her mouth. I can feel her smile under my lips. Instant courage. I take her bottom lip in between mine and pull just slightly. She moves closer and presses herself against me and my hands encircle her waist.

"Do that again, please," she whispers.

"My pleasure."

This time I hold back a little less and I capture her mouth with my own. It's harder this time, but still yielding. We are moving together now and she is braver than I am. She slips her tongue out and runs it along my bottom lip. I'm no dummy. I return the favor and within seconds, my hands are in her hair and our tongues are colliding.

I feel, rather than hear, her hum of satisfaction. I am a rock star. I slide my right hand up her side, over her shirt and stop just underneath her breast. "Is this OK?" I whisper against her mouth.

"Don't ask. Just do," she says.

Mental note made.

This feels like heaven. Being wrapped up in her and just kissing. It's euphoric and frightening all at the same time. I move my hand further. Brushing my fingers slightly over the swell of her breast, I cup her and press my hand down, brushing my palm over the peak. She moans. I was wrong before. That is heaven.

"Does that feel good?" I say against her mouth.

She just nods her head and stops kissing me. Resting her forehead on mine, she then rubs her nose along my cheek and eventually down to my neck. Her arms are resting on my shoulders, and her hands are in my hair and it is bliss. She places a tender kiss on the skin where my shoulder begins, and I'm lost. My hands are now moving of their volition. Cupping her breast with my right and her ass with my left, we are now in full blown make-out mode.

I don't know how much time passes. Maybe six minutes? Maybe six months?

She's taller than I am, though not by much, still, she has to bend down to kiss me. I am only offering this for her benefit. I swear. "Do you want to go somewhere more comfortable?"

"Yes, please," she says.

"You are so fucking polite," I laugh at her, and plant a soft kiss under her jaw.

"Shut the fuck up. I am not," she laughs, and pushes me back a little.

"Come on." I grab her hand and she intertwines her fingers with mine. Yes, I like this a lot.

We are walking down the darkened hallway to my bedroom and unfortunately we hear things no sister should ever have to hear. Good Christ. I will have to have a family meeting with Edward and remind him that just because the walls are made of concrete, we still need to control the volume when having the sexy times. Loud music has more than one purpose when you live with your sibling.

"Um, this is my room," I say. She just shakes her head at me and rolls her eyes.

"What?" I ask.

"Don't be such a silly dork. You know I want your body by now, so stop being nervous and just open the fucking door."

"OK, I take it back. You are a rude bitch. Now get your hot ass in my bedroom," I tell her.

She giggles. Oh, that's nice. I hold the door open for her, and she walks in front of me. This is an opportunity not to be missed, so of course I slap her ass. She yelps and holds her hands behind her in defense, but it's too late. She turns around with narrowed eyes and puts her hands on her hips. She does the bitch brow very well.

"So now that you've got me here, what _are_ you going to do with me?" she asks.

So coy. So hot. "Well, firstly, because I'm such a nice person and I don't want to torture our brothers, I'm going to lock my bedroom door, and then I'm going to turn on some music, quite loudly."

"Oh? Why so loud?" she asks. There's that sexy smirk again.

I gather up every ounce of courage and stomp down every bit of nervousness in my entire body. I step forward so that I'm mere inches away from her and whisper into her ear, "I wouldn't want anyone else to hear you when you're screaming my name."

Her sharp intake of breath makes my knees weaken. "In that case, please do," she whispers back.

My hands, no longer governed by my brain, somehow have already found purchase around her waist. I pull her into me and she comes willingly. I kiss her lightly, no tongue, just soft lines and smooth curves. She is warm and comforting. I kiss across her jaw and down her neck, and if it's possible, she tastes even better here. She has her arms around me and is holding onto me so tightly. I have never felt so wanted in my entire life.

It's too quiet. Our breaths are ragged and getting louder by the second. I pull away from her and she looks worried.

"Are you okay?" she asks.

"Yes, I'm okay. Better than ok." I can't help but look down when I say this, "Um, what would you like to listen to?"

"I'm sure I'll like anything you pick. Surprise me," she says.

"OK, but no complaining if you don't like it," I tease.

"You have my word. Scout's honor. I'll even pinky swear," she giggles.

"Weirdo," I laugh. I walk over to the iPod dock sitting on my dresser and scroll through the playlists. Yes, this will work perfectly. I press play.

"In honor of your shirt."

we can touch

touch our girl cheeks

and we can hold hands

like paper dolls

"You're such a funny girl. Come back over here," she commands.

we can try

try each other on

in the privacy

within new york city's walls

I make my way back over to where she's standing, looking at the black and white photos that line my walls. "These are amazing. Did you take them?" she asks.

I keep a little distance. "No, definitely not. My mom took all of these. She was a photographer." I really don't want to talk about this right now. I come closer and wrap my arms around her from behind. I splay my hands across her stomach and plant kisses up and down her neck.

_we can kiss_

_kiss goodnight_

_and we can go home wondering_

_what would it be like if_

_if i did not have a boyfriend_

_we could spend_

_the whole night_

"You know this song doesn't exactly fit the scenario here, right?" she says in a really fucking sexy voice. "I don't have a boyfriend or anyone else to go home to. Also, just so you know, I just might be willing to spend the whole night."

"Is that so? Well, you are forthcoming with information. I'll have to remember to reward you for all your honesty."

She laughs lightly and lifts her arms up in the air. For a second I'm not sure what she's doing. _Welcome to the party, dumb shit. Take her shirt off! _I roll my eyes at myself.

"Are you sure?" I hesitate. "I don't want you to feel like you have to do anything tonight. I mean, _believe me_, I want to...to do things...with you. Of course, I do. We can just hang out, though." I have diarrhea of the mouth.

"Oh, well I just thought it would be easier to reward me if I was naked."

Now my eyes are rolling back in my head, but for a different reason altogether. She just said "naked".

"This is true. So good of you to think of it," I say.

"Hey, you back there...with all the talking. Take my clothes off."

"Yes, ma'am." I breathe in deeply.

I grab onto the hem of her shirt with both hands and guide it up her arms and over her head. I let it fall and it pools on the floor at our feet. My earlier exploration of her body in the kitchen, gave away the fact that she wasn't wearing a bra, but seeing her bare in front of me was breathtaking. "You're beautiful." It just comes out of my mouth without warning.

She looks at me over her shoulder. "You can only see my back. How do you know if I'm beautiful?"

"I just do," As I say this, I slowly spin her around so that I can really see her. "See, I knew it." She blushes and tries to look away. "Don't do that. Please, look at me," I ask, and she does.

She is courageous, sexy, smart, and funny. There must be a catch. I'm not going to look for it tonight, though. Tonight I'm going to live in the moment and have awesome sex with this gorgeous creature.

"Thank you," I tell her. Keeping ours eye locked, I place my index finger at the hollow of her throat and slowly follow an imaginary line down through the space between her perfect breasts. And I leave a trail further down to the soft taught skin of her stomach until I reach the barrier I was looking for. I use one hand to unbutton her jeans and pull down the zipper.

"May I?" I ask for permission, even though she told me to "just do". I want to be sure.

"You may," she says in the quietest voice.

I use both hands and shimmy her jeans down, and in doing so, caress the skin of her hips. She steps out of them, and she's left with only the tiniest black panties with one red bow in the center along the top.

"Sexy underwear. Did you wear those tonight with a purpose in mind?" I tease her.

"I'll never tell," she says.

"Hmm. Maybe I can get it out of you, we've got lots of time." Lots of time indeed.

"I would never bet against you. More importantly, though, what I want to do now is get you out of these clothes." Yes, please.

I put my arms up and give her a nod. "Go for it."

She steps closer and pulls my t-shirt off. I'm not wearing a bra, either. These are the things you can get away with when you're small-chested and spending a Friday night at a bar full of gay guys. Bella and I both apparently feel the same way.

"That's much better," she says. She's taking her time, and inspecting my bare skin. I see her eyeing my tattoos, and her eyes are alight with curiosity. "This one right here, what is this?"

She's running her fingers along my side, and I know why this one has caught her attention. "You like this one?" I ask.

"It's beautiful. The detail is amazing. What's the meaning behind it?" She's trailing her fingers along the branches, and her touch is sending an electric current through my body.

I want to tell her more, but instead I keep it simple. "It's the tree of life; it represents our connection with the earth, and also protection and strength. I have a thing for nature, I guess." I laugh quietly.

"It looks like it was painted on your skin. I think it's my favorite so far. I will have to do more research," she says, and winks.

"Research away. You'll hear no protest from me. However, maybe we can save that for later? I'm feeling a little overdressed right now."

"Well, we can't have that." She reaches for the button on my jeans. "Now for the rest." God she is so sexy. She makes quick work of them, and now I'm standing in front of her in nothing but my boxer briefs.

"This." She pushes a finger underneath the band of my underwear, pulls it forward, and lets it snap back. "Is fucking sexy. I could look at you all day like this."

Now I can feel my blush. No one has ever talked to me like this before. It's an amazing feeling.

Now that we're both pretty much naked and the anxiety has all but diminished, I am feeling extremely brave. I close the distance between us and put my hands on her shoulders, pushing her into a sitting position on my bed. Instantly, she puts her hands on my waist and looks up at me from under her lashes.

"These need to go. Now," she says.

She pulls down my last remaining piece of clothing, and I am bare in front of her. I step out of them and kick them aside. She runs her hands up the backs of my thighs and a trail of goosebumps follow her fingers. She stops at the swell of my ass, cups both cheeks, and pulls me closer. I hold on tighter to her shoulders to steady myself. She buries her face into my stomach and kisses me tenderly.

I feel her hands come around to the front of my thighs, and she spreads my legs apart just slightly. I am whimpering just at the idea of her hands anywhere near me like this. I am watching her and I have my hands in her hair. I brush through it with my fingers, so soft and silky; it feels so nice in between my fingers. She props herself up with one hand and with her other, starts to slide it ever so gingerly up my inner thigh until she is mere inches away from my pussy. I cannot control my breathing at all at this point. I might hyperventilate if she keeps this up.

_now use both hands_

_oh, no don't close your eyes_

_i am writing_

_graffiti on your body_

_i am drawing the story of_

_how hard we tried_

_i am watching your chest rise and fall_

_like the tides of my life,_

_and the rest of it all_

_and your bones have been my bed frame_

_and your flesh has been my pillow_

_i am waiting for sleep_

_to offer up the deep_

_with both hands_

She looks up at me and asks, "Alice, do you want me to touch you here?" Such a simple question.

No hesitation. "Mmmhmm. Yes, please," I whisper.

"Good girl. You know, you can have whatever you want baby, if you just say please," she purrs.

Oh my god. I am going to spontaneously combust. "Okay," I say. I am putty in her hands. She could ask me for anything right now and I would give it to her.

She teases me for what seems like an eternity before bringing her fingers to where I want them. She trails one finger the rest of the way up towards my stomach, and runs it along my pubic bone. Trailing her fingers back down my inner thighs, she then, so fucking slowly, traces down the length of my slit. Unable to control it, I moan, loudly.

"Yes, please. Yes," I whisper. I can barely keep my head up. My hands move from her hair down to her breasts and I fondle them softly and slowly, sliding the pads of my thumbs over her rock-hard nipples.

She then uses two fingers to separate the folds and opens me wider. This feels fucking fantastic.

"Oh god, please. Please,"I beg. I will fucking milk the use of that word dry. If she would just continue. The anticipation is killing me.

"You like this baby? You like it when I stroke your pussy? Hmm?" she asks.

You better fucking believe I like it, and that dirty talk is going to kill me. "Yes, yes, to everything." I am going to cum soon.

"What about this?" she asks as she simultaneously inserts one finger inside me.

"Oh, yes, yes. Please," I beg again. I'm sure that my moans have now overruled the music that's playing.

"You are so wet for me, baby. Did I do this to you?" she asks as she trails kisses from my neck to my shoulder. Where did this vixen come from? I am never letting her leave.

She continues pumping her finger inside me at a steady pace.

"You know you did this to me. Please don't stop," I plead.

"I won't stop. Not until you cum for me."

"More. Please. I want more." I hope to god she will give me more.

"Tsk tsk tsk. Let's not be greedy, Alice. Sometimes less is more." She is toying with me.

She quickens her pace, and I can feel her nipples harden even further. I pull on them both because I have to do something to make her feel good.

"Mmm, I like that," she says. "You're making me so wet right now. I can't wait to feel your fingers inside me."

"I wanna kiss you. Please let me kiss you," I beg her.

Immediately she leans back so that I can lean down, supporting myself with both hands on either side of her. I am practically bent over now, and the feeling of her finger inside me is even more intense.

"Ohhhmmm..." I moan as I kiss her mouth. We are tongues and teeth and lips and there is no distinction between us now. She is kissing me back so hard, and I just can't take it anymore.

I feel the tightening deep in my belly and I tell her as much, "I'm gonna cum, Bella, so hard."

"Yes, baby. I wanna feel it. Don't hold back, let it go."

I am so close, tightening, constricting. Yes, yes. Here it comes; I can't feel anything now except for the piece of her body that fits inside me. I am delighting in the friction it's providing.

My orgasm barrels through me as fast and hard as a fucking freight train. Holy shit. I collapse onto her and she holds me tightly.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Bella. You are really fucking good at that," I say breathlessly. I attempt to stand up and my legs feel like noodles.

"Well, thank you. I do aim to please," she says while batting her lashes.

"And please, you did. I think you've earned yourself another reward," I say as I clamber up onto the bed, and sit back on my heels. "Up here, now." I point to the pillow.

"Yes, ma'am," she says repeating my earlier words.

She complies easily and crawls over to the head of my bed and lies down. Her hair is splayed beautifully across my pillows, and I'm sure they'll smell like her in the morning. I may never wash those pillowcases again.

She's lying with her knees bent and closed while her hands are playfully massaging her breasts. I scoot closer to her and grab both of her ankles and slowly slide my hands up both of her legs in unison. Her skin is soft and smooth, and I don't ever want to stop touching her. I kiss each knee tenderly as my hands travel up to her calves,and then to the tops of her knees and I slowly pull them apart. There is no resistance and now I can move closer to where I want to be.

She lets her legs spread as far as they can go, and I hover over her, dropping my head down to kiss her lips softly. I can feel the warmth radiating from her pussy and it makes me shiver. I kiss her passionately and slowly, and when I finally need to get air, I let go. She whimpers and it makes me smile.

_she says forget what you have to do_

_pretend there is nothing_

_outside this room_

_and like an idea she came to me_

_but she came too late_

_or maybe too soon_

_i said please try not to love me_

_close your eyes, i'm turning on the light_

_you know i have no vacancy_

_and it's awfully cold outside tonight_

"You are an amazing woman, Bella," I tell her sincerely. "I can't believe I have you in my bed."

"Believe it, and if you're lucky, maybe you can have me in your bed again," she says with no hesitation in her voice. I have no words for her.

I lean down and kiss her neck, running my tongue slowly in circles and she moans, pressing into me. I kiss my way across her collar bone and down to her breasts. She has her hands in my hair and the feeling is indescribable. We are just caressing and kissing and it feels like I'm on fire.

I take her nipple into my mouth and pull slightly as I lick and suck. I press myself into her and she moans again. Such a beautiful sound. I can barely wait to have my fingers inside her.

I move over to her right breast and give it the same love and affection. She's writhing and panting beneath me, and I am so close to just giving in and plunging my fingers into her. I kiss my way down her stomach and when I reach her belly button, I hear her giggle.

Looking up at her I ask, "Something funny?"

"It's just ticklish right there. I'm sorry." She's trying not to laugh.

"Oh, you're sorry? Ticklish, huh? Where? Right here? Or wait, was it right here?" I move my mouth over her belly button and dip my tongue inside, and she arches her back and squeals with delight. "Ahh, there it is. That's the spot." She tries pushing me away so that I can't do it again. I grab her wrists and move back up the bed, holding them in a criss-cross above her head.

Leaning in closely, I whisper against her mouth, "Behave Bella or else."

"OK, I will. Just please don't stop," she begs me.

"Be a good girl and you'll get what you want." I kiss her hard and make my way back down the bed. "Now, where was I?" I tease.

With her legs spread wide, I grip both sides of her panties and pull down, she lifts her backside, so that I can pull them all the way off. I can smell her and I can see she's dripping wet for me.

"Absolutely beautiful. I told you didn't I?"

"Yes. Please, Alice. I can't take much more," she cries.

_the heat is so great_

_it plays tricks with the eye_

_it turns the road to water _

_and then from water to sky_

_and there's a crack in the concrete floor_

_and it starts at the sink_

_there's a bathroom in a gas station _

_and i've locked myself in it to think_

I don't want to torture her any longer. I lean down and place a soft kiss on her clit and she groans. I will never forget that sound. Luckily, this song is loud and, hopefully, no one but me will hear her passionate cries.

_and you'll stop me, won't you_

_if you've heard this one before_

_the one where i surprise you _

_by showing up at your front door_

_saying 'let's not ask what's next, _

_or how, or why'_

_i am leaving in the morning_

_so let's not be shy_

She has her hands in my hair, running her fingers through the longer layers. This makes me feel so good, so wanted. Such an intimate act, something only a lover would do. I decide to return the favor. I flatten out my tongue and take a long, slow lick along the length of her pussy, and she moans, a long loud sound.

"Mmmm, that's it, right there," she purrs.

I lick and suck her clit at a maddeningly slow pace. She's so wet, and her clit is so hard. I want to drive her crazy and bring her to the brink. She's writhing frantically beneath me and lifting her hips to my mouth. Her sounds, her movements, and her warm, sweaty body is turning me on so much. I want to reward her, like I said I would, for bringing me so much pleasure.

"You taste so sweet and you feel so amazing. Am I making you feel good, Bella?" I ask.

"Yes, yes. It feels fucking fantastic. Please, I want more."

"Since you asked so nicely..." I trail off, and put my tongue inside her. She bucks off the bed and cries out.

"Oh god! Oh god!"

She likes this. I keep it up, darting my tongue in and out a few more times, and then surprise her by burying two fingers inside her in one fast, smooth motion.

"Oh fuck! Alice! Yes, fuck me!" she screams.

She feels fucking amazing; her walls are tight and slick with her arousal. I continue pumping in and out of her, and she contributes to the motion by bringing her hips down at the same time.

"You like it when I fuck you, don't you, Bella?"

"Yes, oh god, yes, fuck me, fuck me harder. Please!" she yells.

One last thrust and I add another finger; I slam into her pussy hard, just like she asked for. I pound into her. I can feel the muscles in my arm growing tighter, burning slightly with the effort. She's moaning endlessly, her breaths ragged and harsh.

"I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum so hard. Oh god, please, please, don't stop." she says.

I won't stop, not until she explodes. I can feel her tightening around me. "That's it, baby, let it go, cum for me," I tell her.

"Yes, yes, yes...oh god...yes, Alice, yes!" And her body erupts around my fingers with the most intense orgasm. Her breaths are heavy and her eyes are closed, her arms spread out amongst the pillows. She looks so serene.

Crawling back up to the head of the bed, I hover over her. I kiss her deeply, and she kisses me back with just as much force. I've apparently made her very happy. She's rubbing her hands along my sides and down my back. The contact is heavenly.

"That was...just...wow," she says.

"Thanks, I think." I laugh at her.

"Sorry, you fucked the brain cells right out of me."

"I'll take that as a compliment," I say.

She pulls me down to her and cuddles into my arms, her back to my front. Even though I'm holding her, I feel safe and comforted.

I nuzzle my face into her hair and I feel myself getting very sleepy after awhile.

"Can I ask you a question?" I whisper.

"What is it?" she says. "You can ask me anything."

"Um, will you stay with me tonight?"

She doesn't answer right away; instead she reaches back and holds my head in her hand, pressing her warm palm across my cheek. It's impossible not to lean in to her touch.

"I hadn't planned on going anywhere. I know we don't know each other that well, but I feel very connected to you already. I want to know so much more about you, Alice."

I feel a weight lifted off my chest; she doesn't want to leave me yet. I hold her tighter. "I feel connected to you, too. It makes me really happy to hear you say that," I tell her, and turn my head to kiss her palm.

"I would love nothing more to fall asleep in your arms and wake up with you in the morning. I have plans for you anyhow," she says, and I can hear the smirk in her tone.

"Awesome."

"Awesome? What, are you thirteen?" She's laughing at me.

"Shut up. It is awesome." I reach down and pinch her ass.

"Ouch! Stop that!" She bats at my hand.

"Let's go to sleep now. Before I have to beat you," I say.

"Promises, promises."

_i am waking up_

_in her bed_

_i sing 1st avenue_

_the open window said_

_always late to sleep_

_late to rise_

_lying here watching the day go by_

_in the living room_

_there are people on the carpet_

_having stupid conversations_

_just to hear themselves talk_

_and i am drifting through_

_i am heading for the kitchen_

_i am thinking of her fingers as i walk_

**A/N:**

**I must thank my beautiful and amazingly kind wife for her support and constant praise. I don't deserve you but I'm willing to look past that, if you are. ;-) Also, MessyBar who constantly puts up with my whining about how much I suck. Thank you for that my dear. (I still suck btw) and also to Project Team Beta, KaylaTheCullen, boniver115 and MsRason (who just made fun of me the entire time I was posting this b/c i'm a slow learner). **smooches****

**All Songs by Ani DiFranco**

**The Whole Night**

**Both Hands**

**She Says**

**Shy**

**Reviews are better than the 24 hours of your life **

**you spent hidden in a closet reading Twilight for the 1****st**** time. ;-)**


	2. Chapter 2 Joyful Girl

_i do it for the joy it brings_

_because i'm a joyful girl_

_because the world owes me nothing _

_and we owe each other the world_

_i do it because it's the least i can do_

_i do it because i learned it from you_

_and i do it just because i want to _

_because i want to_

_**joyful girl, ani difranco**_

I assumed that lying with her wrapped up in my arms would have taken me to some deep level of peaceful slumber. I also assumed that she would want to haul ass out of here right after I fucked her. I guess it's true what they say, about assuming.

I'm sitting in the arm chair across from my bed, my knees pulled into my chest and my arms wrapped around them protectively. I can't help but drink in her form. Her gorgeous body is wrapped up perfectly in my white sheets. Her face is hidden behind the veil of her curly brunette locks scattered, her back moves in time with her breathing. I want to capture this moment. How fucking perfect it is, with the sunlight streaming through the skylights, casting yellow rays atop her shoulders and highlighting golden strands in her hair. It's a moment that should be captured.

_You know you can't. Just leave it alone._

At this point, I've been up for a few hours. I tossed and turned in a half-sleep state for most of the night until finally, I gave in. After throwing on some shorts and a tank top, I went into the kitchen and got a glass of water. I walked around the living room, tidying up magazines, books, anything that looked slightly askew. Sitting in the dark, silent living room, I flipped on the TV, but my mind keeps drifting back to Bella. If I close my eyes I could feel her lips on my neck, and feel the warm caresses of her fingertips on my arms and legs. I had to get back to where she is. What if she woke up and I'm not there?

With that thought, I'm now back in my bedroom. I watch her. I think about her. Remember the things she said to me, from the first to the last. Of course I think about the sounds she made last night. Her pleading cries and sweet tantalizing whimpers immediately set the butterflies in motion once again. I replay over and over in my head; how she looked when she came, which immediately set the ache between my legs in motion again. There is no way I would ever forget last night, ever. Because this woman, lying in my bed, sleeping so serenely, is turning my world upside down, and she has no idea. I have never felt so connected to someone so quickly, physically and emotionally.

_You're going to scare her away with that shit. Don't tell her any of this. _

Now that it's what some might classify as morning (really fucking early morning) but morning, nonetheless, I feel like I can make a little noise to try and stir the sleeping beauty. My ass hurts from sitting in this chair for so long and I really could use some coffee. I uncurl my legs and stand up and stretch, a yawn escapes and it's louder than I expect. I quickly slap my hand over my mouth.

"Well, look at the early bird," Bella says to me as she brushes her hair away from her face. She is so quiet that I don't even notice that she rolled over, and is now watching me stretch.

"Jesus, you scared the shit out of me. I didn't even hear you move."

"That's because you couldn't hear the rustling of the sheets over your bear yawn," she says and laughs.

It's a little shocking how the atmosphere is familiar and not awkward, like I expected.

I narrow my eyes and stalk toward her. Bending over her and placing my hands on the bed on either side of her, I lean in, whispering in her ear, "Shut up, because you snore."

She grabs my arms and pulls me down on top of her. Quickly, and stealthily, I might add, she rolls us over so she's on top of me. "I do not snore! You're lying," she says as she pokes me in the chest.

I revel in the feeling of her weight on my body. She sits up so that she's straddling me and the sheet falls away from her chest. My hands find purchase on her hips. The skin there is warm and soft. "I'm not lying. I heard you. Why do you think I was awake already?" I can't stifle my grin at all. I'm also having trouble focusing on her face.

She gives me the bitch brow and leans over me, her breasts rubbing against the fabric of my tank top. "I know why you were awake. You were watching me sleep. That's a tad stalkerish you know," she teases.

"I was not..." I'm cut off by her lips smashing into mine. Well, I guess she doesn't mind morning breath. Without hesitation, her tongue is in my mouth, and I search it out, I caress her tongue with mine and the sensation sends shivers trickling down my spine. She's grinding her sex on me, and I wrap my arms around her and hold her tightly. My hands roam up and down her naked back and when she moans in my mouth, it sets me on fire. "God, you taste so good," I tell her.

"Mmm, thank you. I have been wondering myself, how you taste," she whispers against my mouth.

"Oh you have, have you?" I ask, playfully.

She nods in the affirmative and breaks the kiss completely. She sits back up, so that she's straddling me again and reaches for the hem of my shirt; easily I comply and help her to pull it over my head. She looks so beautiful right now, bare and glowing in the light. Her hair is a complete mess, but it's sexy as hell. Her lips are plump and red from kissing, and I can feel the heat from between her legs growing warmer by the minute.

Fingers roam gently across my collar bone and make their way down to my breasts. She cups them and flicks her thumbs over my already rock-hard nipples, and I practically scream. "Sshh, the boys will hear you," she admonishes.

"Shit. I forgot about that. Just don't do that again."

She laughs and says, "Don't tell me what to do, little Miss Alice. I'm the one on top right now, aren't I?"

"I suppose you are." I sigh dramatically, "Go ahead then, and have your way with me. If the boys are damaged for life, I guess it'll be on your conscience, not mine," I tease her back.

"I'm not really concerned about anyone but you right now. I want to make you feel good, and if that means you have to keep quiet, then you'll do just that. Understand?" Her tone is firm, but playful.

_Holy shit. Yes, ma'am!_

"Rawr, kitten," I say in a gruff voice. "I think I like you on top."

"And I haven't even gotten started yet."

Bella is the sexiest woman alive. No contest.

"And now that I've gotten you naked, and in the light, I must do some research." Her smirk is devilish. "This tattoo here," she points to the cursive lettering that follows the curve of my right hip, right above the waistband of my shorts, "that's Robert Frost." Watching her look me over is a little exhilarating and a lot scary. I can see that she's trying to figure out why I would have '_and miles to go before i sleep_' forever inked into my skin.

"It is," I confirm. I'm totally smitten with the fact that she recognized where it was from, but I start to feel a little exposed by her study. Almost all of my ink has a meaning, and some of them are hidden, for a reason. I want to explain them to her, so badly. There's a part of me that wants to tell her all my secrets, all my fears, but I can't bring myself to do it. Not yet, and maybe not ever.

_It's been less than 24 hours. This isn't normal._

She traces the letters with her index finger, and I hope that my silence conveys more than my words can. She doesn't push for an explanation, but continues to explore.

Possibly sensing that I'm not ready for her to follow all of the art she sees on my body, like some kind of treasure map, she kisses my stomach lightly, dragging her lips softly across the taut skin. Moving upwards, she kisses me again between my breasts. Then taking me by surprise, my nipple is in her mouth. I have to force myself to control my moaning. Her tongue is hot and wet, the attention she lavishes on it sends volts of electricity straight between my legs. I try to move beneath her, but she has me pinned. I feel her thighs tighten around my hips, and I know this means she wants me to be still. I'll do whatever she wants, because I think she's going to go down on me soon, and Jesus, just thinking about it almost makes me cum.

While her lips are moving against my left breast, her fingers lightly stroke my right. When I groan at the sweet torture, she becomes more aggressive, tugging and twisting now. My closed-mouth whimpers, and the sounds her mouth is making, are the only noises in the room. _So fucking hot_. I caress her back and her sides; I brush her hair away from her face. I'm watching her, she looks up from under her lashes, and I see something in her eyes, a passion that startles me. It's written so plainly across her face, she wants to please me and dominate me, all at the same time.

Her grip on my hips lessens and she crawls backwards down my body, until she's left me completely, now kneeling between my legs. Without thinking, I grip the posts of my headboard with both hands in anticipation of what's to come. She sees me do this and that fucking smirk is bigger than ever. She knows I want it, and I will not deny that shit.

"Please," I beg.

She pulls my shorts off and drops them to the floor. I bend my knees and spread my legs for her, without her having to ask me first. I'm positive that I've never wanted anything more than I want this, right now. She pulls her hair up in that crazy way girls do, so that it stays up in a messy bun, without any pins or clips.

"Mmm, mmm, mmm. Look at that. Ready and willing. I have to say, I like that about you, Alice," she says. My breathing is erratic at best, and I'm so afraid that I will be too loud if let a moan escape, so I say nothing. The ache between my legs has become unbearable at this point. I shut my eyes and arch back, resisting the urge to beg again. And as if she can read my mind, I feel her. My eyes fly open as she places a small, sweet kiss on my clit. _Oh god. _Her tongue peeks out and licks circles around it. My hips move upwards and she presses them back down on the mattress with both hands.

She wastes no time in delivering the satisfaction that I so desire. Her tongue laps at my juices and circles my entrance. When her tongue penetrates me, my grip on the headboard tightens and my entire body lifts up off the bed. I moan, again and again. I'm overwhelmed, the feeling is too much. I don't know how I'll live through even five more seconds of this. She then takes long, slow licks along the length of my slit. Every second of it is bliss. Maybe I won't erupt, just yet.

She is an expert at eating pussy. Fucking. Expert. There should be a medal for this.

I reach my hands down towards her and put them in her hair, caressing and holding onto her. She reacquaints her tongue with my clit, and the pace of her ministrations increase. I can no longer be held responsible for the bottom half of my body. Every time she circles my clit with her slick tongue, I feel my legs tighten, my hips move toward her, wanting more, wanting to be closer. She moves her hands from my hips and uses them to put pressure on my inside of my thighs, in turn, spreading my legs further apart.

_Oh fuck!_

Leaving me wide open this way intensifies the already building volcano in my core. She fucking goes to town on my clit, licking, biting, and sucking at a frenzied pace.

"Jesus Christ!" I scream.

And now I've let go. There's no holding back. I grab onto the posts of the head board again, legs spread as far as they can go, and I give into her. She hums against me because I know, I'm wetter than ever, and she likes it. I feel my release building deep within me, like a cyclone gathering up speed, barreling towards its target.

"Oh shit! Oh shit! Don't stop! Don't stop!" I beg her over and over. "Uh, uh, uh. Yes, Bella! Yes!" And I ride the wave of the most mother fucking intense orgasm of my young life.

As I fall back to earth, my chest heaving, I open my eyes and see that she's crawled over me. She's watching me with a playful expression. "Was that okay for you?" She bats her eyelashes.

"Eh, it was alright." As soon as the words are out of my mouth she's tickling the shit out of my sides. "Stop it! Stop it!" I bat her hands away, and I'm laughing so hard that no noise is coming out of my mouth. We're rolling around my bed, tangling ourselves up in the sheets.

"Tell the truth then, tell me it was the biggest, baddest orgasm you've ever had," she says as she relentlessly tickles beneath my knees.

"Okay, okay! It was the biggest, baddest, most fuck-awesome orgasm I've ever had. There, are you happy now?" I shout at her, between giggles.

She sprawls herself across my legs and traps my feet and goes for the gold.

"Please! You'll make me pee!" I kick my legs from underneath her and finally she relents. She's wiping tears from under her eyes and if it's even possible, her hair is crazier than it was before. "Yes, now I'm happy," she says with satisfaction.

"That was not cool. Not cool at all," I say as I narrow my eyes at her.

She crawls up the bed and lies on her side, propping her head on her hand. Still stark naked, of course. I mirror her position and we just stare at each other. "You know, it's kind of distracting when you're naked like that."

"Oh, sorry. Do you want me to put some clothes on?" Shyness spreads across her face.

I reach out and push a lock of hair behind her ear. "No, no. That's not what I was saying, but maybe it would be a good idea. I can't think straight with you like this." I hop out of bed, quickly sliding my clothes back on and grab a t-shirt out of my dresser drawer for her. I toss it to her and she sits up and puts it on. I'm sad to see the skin go, but really, if we're going to leave this room today, it's has to happen.

"I have a question for you," she says tentatively.

I sit back down on the bed with my legs crossed, facing her. "Okay, shoot."

"What's your favorite color?"

"Are you serious?"

"Yes. What is it? Come on."

I look at her suspiciously. "Um, it's a tie."

"A tie? Between what?"

"Well, right now...between black...and brown."

"Hmm, interesting. Do you know what that says about you?"

"No, but I bet you're going to tell me, aren't you?"

"Hey!" She gives my shoulder a little shove. "I think this stuff is really interesting, and it always seems to make sense to me." She shrugs. "So listen up." She winks and then continues, "A person who's favorite color is black tends to like being mysterious...holding their cards close to their chest. It can also mean that you're hiding something, something that maybe,you long for."

I nod my head. I'm not going to elaborate on that at all. No way.

"And brown, what does brown say about me?" I ask quietly.

"Well, brown says that you're patient, dependable, solid, and kind," she says as she looks down at her fingers that have been playing with mine.

"Do you think that's a true representation of me? At least what you know of me so far?"

"I would say you at least have the potential to be all of those things. I definitely want to find out if those things are true. If you'll let me." I am enjoying this shy, unsure Bella.

_She has to stop biting her lip, like, seriously. _

"Oh, and why did you say 'right now'? Those aren't normally your favorites?" she continues.

_Uh oh. Busted._

"Honestly?"

"Honestly."

"Well, black_ is_ one of my favorites," I say as I look around my bedroom, "as you can see for yourself, everything I own is black, or black and white." I pause, waiting for her to push me to explain myself.

"And brown?"

I feel a little bit of pressure deep in my chest. My mouth is trying to churn out the answer, but I'm teetering on the edges of being open with her and protecting myself. Sex is one thing, talking like this is completely another.

_It's a simple fucking question! Just answer her._

Okay, so sometimes I can be a wee bit dramatic.

"Alice. Are you okay?" Her eyes study me, not intrusively, but with compassion and worry. She tentatively reaches out and puts her hand gingerly on my shoulder. "I'm sorry, did I say something wrong?"

"No, no. Not at all. I was just lost in my head for a second. Um, I guess I said brown because, well, that's the color of your eyes, and honestly, I don't think I'll ever forget what they look like." I look down, and I know that I've probably said too much already.

"Hey." Her finger lifts my chin up and she's got the sweetest smile on her face. "That's very, very sweet. Cheesy as hell, but so very sweet," she says.

"We'll see if I ever compliment you again," I pout.

She laughs at me, leans in and kisses me softly, and I return it. Then she hugs me. It's a little awkward, and she's really fucking squeezing me. I pat her back and give a little squeeze to say 'okay the hug is over now, I'm good'.

"Um, would you like some coffee and maybe some breakfast?" I ask.

"God, yes. I would love both." She plants a quick kiss on my nose, and with that, rolls out of bed. She's wearing my pajama shirt, which is about two sizes too big. When she stands up it should cover her ass completely, but of course, she stretches and I get a full show. I groan internally and throw my head back on the pillows. This girl is going to kill me.

"You mind if I use the little girl's room before we enter the land of the living?" Bella asks sweetly.

"Mi casa su casa," I say because I'm a big fucking dork. I point her in the direction of the bathroom, and because she is sex on legs, she stays in my shirt and just adds her underwear. When we're both ready, I stand by my door and hold the knob, preparing to open it and I look over my shoulder. "You know we're going to get all kinds of hell from those boys about our, um, noises this morning."

"Oh yeah, I know. I'm kinda looking forward to it," she laughs. "And just so we're clear, those were _your_ noises, not mine."

"Right." I sigh. Might as well get it over with then. "Before we walk out this door, though, I just want to say one thing."

"Okay. What is it?" she asks me quietly. I think I see a hint of panic in her eyes.

"I know I've already mentioned it, but this," I gesture between us, "is not something I have ever done before. I've had one long term relationship and I've dated. I just don't want you to think less of me, or anything like that."

"Alice." She puts both of her hands on my shoulders, squeezes gently, and continues, "I was here _with_ you, remember? How could I possibly think any less of you? You're a beautiful, funny, incredibly sexy woman who gave me one of the best sexual experiences of my life. You think I would find that unappealing somehow? Don't be so hard on yourself."

"Really?"

She laughs. "Really."

I screw up my mouth and eye her suspiciously, "Okay. I believe you."

"Well, that was very convincing," she laughs again, and then kisses me softly.

I don't mean to, but I deepen the kiss. I slide my tongue across her lips and she grants me entrance. My arms hold her tight, she reciprocates the gesture. I feel safe, warm, and not as afraid as I thought I would be of having her here the morning after.

"Your lips are addictive," I tell her.

"So are yours. The thing is, I'm kind of starving and in serious need of caffeine. So let's take care of these basic human needs, and then later, if you're still interested in getting a fix, I'll definitely be up for it," she says, and winks.

She's so cute.

I grab her hand and we walk down the hallway towards the kitchen. I'm a little worried about being teased by Edward, and maybe embarrassed if Jasper is still here, because I don't know him all that well. I know I shouldn't care, it's not like they weren't up all night doing the same thing we were.

And I've grossed myself out.

"Good morning, sunshine. Nice to see you again, Bella," Edward says brightly.

"Ladies." Jasper tips his head in our direction. He's got the smile of a happy, satisfied young man. He's reading the newspaper, it actually seems quite normal, like he's here everyday doing this.

"Morning, boys," we say in unison, and turn to look at each other. Immediately, we start cracking up. Of course Edward rolls his eyes at our ridiculousness.

He's working his magic in the kitchen with his apron on and everything. I'm just glad they're both fully clothed. _Ew. Mental images be gone!_ Bella is standing behind me; I'm hiding her like a shield.

"Well, look who's Mr. Chipper Pants this morning," I snark back at him. I grab a raspberry out of a bowl sitting next to what looks like waffle batter and pop it into my mouth. I grab another one and offer it up to Bella, who opens her mouth in confirmation.

Our eyes are locked, and I place the raspberry gently into her mouth and she closes her lips over my finger tips. I think my mouth might be hanging wide open, but I can't seem to care right now.

"Ahem. Can you two save the soft core porn for the bedroom? Jasper and I would prefer to enjoy breakfast without the show," Edward says.

"Sorry. She's ridiculously hot, what do you want me to do?" I say as I wink at Bella. Her cheeks catch fire and she gives me the "shut the fuck up" look. I just shrug and pull out a bar stool for her.

I sit next to Bella, and we share a few more berries, just giggling and being silly. I realize the boys aren't really speaking. Only the sounds of Edward's cooking fill the room. Okay. I guess this could be classified as a little awkward. I'm about to open my mouth to say something borderline ridiculous when Jasper beats me to the punch.

"So, Alice, can I ask you a personal question?" His southern drawl is sort of awesome. I just don't understand why he has one. I'll have to remember to ask Bella about that.

"Well, okay. I guess," I say tentatively. In my periphery I can see Bella hanging her head and slowly shaking it, as if to say "this isn't going to be good." Oh, great.

"Would you consider yourself a religious person?"

What a weird fucking question to ask before breakfast and after you just fucked my brother. "Uh, no, not at all actually. Why do you ask?" I'm really confused right now.

With a crooked smile in full effect he says, "It's just that you were screaming for Jesus Christ this morning, I was just wondering if maybe he'd wronged you in some way. That's all."

Fucker. All three of them are doubled-over laughing. Fuckers.

"Ha Ha Ha Jasper. Ha Fucking Ha." And so it begins.

"What? I'm being completely honest, Miss Alice, I was just concerned for your spiritual well-being," he says through his laughter.

I just roll my eyes and throw a raspberry at him. He tries to block it, but it nails him right in the cheek. Now it's my turn to laugh and I do, until I snort. Sexy.

Bella wraps her arm around my waist while I stand next to her and gives my side a little squeeze. I'm going to miss the feel of her when she leaves. And she _is_ going to leave. I mean, she has to go, right? Back to her life with Jasper, to do whatever it is that she does.

Wow. I don't even know what she does for a living, and here I am, talking about how much I'll miss her touch. Get a grip already.

In the midst of all of the fuckery, Edward has gone back to making breakfast, and is a little on the quiet side. Not that he's all that chatty to begin with, but this is a bit out of the ordinary for him. I wonder what's what's up.

"So, Edward, you got any big plans for this lovely Saturday?" I ask awkwardly, to break the ice.

"I've got a lot of studying to do. As usual. Why do you ask?"

Just as I'm about to speak, Bella cuts in, "Study? For what?" I look over at her and smile. I like that she's including herself in the conversation, I'm not very good at doing that sort of thing for other people.

"I'm in med school at the University of Chicago. Second year," he says as he plates a stack of waffles. He brings them over to the island, and passes out plates and silverware. "Dig in guys; they're best when they're hot."

"Going to be a doctor and you cook? Jasper, you've gotta keep this one," she says, and winks at her brother.

"Oh, I intend to little sister. He's quite the catch, isn't he?" as he says this, he gets up from his seat and moves over to my brother and wraps his arms around his waist. Edward doesn't protest at all and seems to melt into him. He gives Jasper a sweet peck on the lips and they're making ridiculous fuck-me eyes at each other.

_I guess I'm not the only one who found a connection._

Without realizing it, I've been watching this display of affection with rapt attention. Bella nudges my leg under the table, which seems to snap me out of the daze I'm in.

She clears her throat and turns to me, "And what is it that you do all day? Besides sitting here looking beautiful?" I know she's joking, but I can't let this one go without ridicule.

I make a gagging noise and fake cough. "Did you just really say that?"

"That was totally lame, wasn't it?" she says as she throws her head back and laughs. She's also got a tiny little drop of syrup on the corner of her mouth. I restrain myself from licking it off; instead I act like a normal human being and use a napkin to dab at it.

"Yes, Miss...What the hell is your last name?"

"Swan."

"Bella Swan." I test out the way it sounds rolling off my tongue. "I like it," I say, "and yes, Miss Swan, that was totally and completely lame. But I liked it anyway." I give her my award-winning smile.

"I'm glad you approve,Miss Cullen," she says and smiles. Then continues "Cullen. Why does that sound familiar?" She looks at me, waiting for some kind of clue.

Immediately, I look over to Edward where he and Jasper have been sharing their breakfast, and are having a whispered conversation. He stops talking and we lock eyes. He gives an almost imperceptible shake of his head, and I know what to do.

_Time to change the subject._

"I don't do anything." I blurt out, trying a diversionary tactic.

"What?" she looks at me confused.

"I don't really _do_ anything. I mean, I don't have a job, or go to school, or do something specific each day."

"Oh, are you in between 'somethings'?" She uses air quotes to emphasize what she means.

"Uh, no. I just haven't really figured out what it is that I want to do, for a job, I mean."

There's not even a speck of judgment in her face, nor does it look like she's ready to tell me that it's ridiculous, or that I need to hurry up and figure it out. I love this about her.

Sometimes people just don't know what the fuck they want to do with their life. Also sometimes, it's easier to hide yourself from the world if you're not involved in anything that requires leaving the house. Go figure.

"Well, I'm sure you'll figure it out eventually." She's always smiling at me; it's starting to become one of my favorite things. "In the mean time, however, I think that means you'll be available at my beck and call, right?"

_Oh yes it does._

"Exactly. I'll be ready and willing, anytime you need me." I wink.

"Oh for the love of all that's holy," Edward groans.

"What?" I ask innocently.

"I get it, you two are very sexually compatible, but do I really have to be present for the mating calls?" he complains. That was a pretty good one, though, and we all laugh.

Jasper is standing behind my brother with his arms wrapped around his waist, chin resting on his shoulder. "As much fun as I'm having watching you torture your dear brother, I think Bella and I should get going. We still haven't completely unpacked, and I could really use a shower and a shave."

Edward leans his head back, sniffs Jasper's neck and says, "Yep, you need a shower."

"See? And he likes me, so you know it's true," Jasper says jokingly.

"He's right. About our apartment, I mean. As for stinky over there." She waves her hand past her nose, as if she's fanning it away from her. "I'll take Edward's word for it. But we have been living out of boxes for like two weeks, and that is coming to a stop this weekend."

I hold my hands up in mock defense. "I get it, you're sick of us already. Go on then, let's get you dressed and back to your boxes," I tease.

"I'm ready whenever you are, Bella," Jasper says.

"Okay, just give me five minutes." She grabs my hand and leads me back to my bedroom.

Once we're back in my room, I feel a little tense. I don't really know what to say. She's alluded to the fact that she wants to see me again, and flat out said she felt a connection. Should I do the whole "can I get your number" thing, or wait for her to offer it up? Maybe we can swap email addresses and get to know each other better that way?

_What the hell, Alice? You don't think having sex, twice, puts you past the point of email exchange?_

I lean against the door while she's gathering her things off the floor. I'm not sure where I should look. Is it ok to watch her undress? She takes my t-shirt off and tosses it to me. I twist it in my hands and look at the floor while she's dressing.

"I'm surprised you didn't ogle me while I was dressing. You feeling okay?" she asks.

"Everyone's a fucking comedian today, aren't they?" I joke.

She's dressed now and stalking towards me. Placing her heads on either side of my head, she traps me between her body and the door. She runs her nose along my jaw and kisses me just below my ear. I feel the sparks begin to surface, the butterflies begin to float, and she whispers into my ear, "Alice, I'm not joking with you when I say this. I like you, a lot. I want to see you again. Soon."

My breaths are shaky. My head is spinning. I open my mouth to say something equally sexy, and this is what comes out, "Can I have your phone number?"

She laughs, ridiculously hard, and when the laughter has died down, she kisses me deeply, passionately. I'm lost in the sensation of her mouth moving over mine. Lips pulling, tongues dancing, teeth biting, the only sounds are our whimpers and sighs.

When the kiss is over I say, "I will not be held responsible for the placement of my hands on your ass, because it's entirely your fault for mesmerizing me."

With our foreheads leaning against one another she finally speaks, and says, "You are so weird. I like it." She pecks my lips lightly one last time. "And of course you can have my number, just give me your phone, I'll program it in."

"You have to release me first."

She makes a pouty face and gingerly steps backwards, allowing me room to sneak by her, so I can grab it.

"Here you go," I say, and hand her my phone. "And you give me yours." She reaches into her pants pocket, and pulls out her Blackberry.

While she's messing with my phone, I am desperately trying to figure out how to put my number in hers. _How the hell do you use this thing?_

"Having a bit of trouble?" she asks with a grin.

"No...Yes," I say and give her the phone back.

"It's okay, just tell me the number and I'll do it." I give her my number and she types it in. "Alright, now we've exchanged numbers, so don't go and give me the three-day waiting period bullshit. Call me tonight, so I can hear your voice before I fall asleep."

_Gah!_

"Yes, ma'am." I say and salute her.

"Smart-ass."

"You like my smart ass, though."

"This is true. And the only reasons why I'll let you get away with half the shit you say."

"I'm going to miss you." I can't help myself. "Is it weird that I said that?"

"Not at all, I'm gonna miss you, too," she says, and opens her arms up to me. "Come here."

Without any hesitation, I'm in her arms and I'm holding her tight. "You're such a hugger," I tease her.

"I know. It's a problem I have." We both laugh, and I know she needs to go.

"Let me walk you out." I grab her hand and lead her down the hallway.

When we make it to the foyer, the sight before me melts my heart. Jasper and Edward are embracing, but not just your run of the mill hug, either. They're doing the full body hug and sway back and forth thing. Bella and I look at each other and mouth the word "aw". Feeling badly for interrupting, but knowing we shouldn't stand here and stare at them, I clear my throat.

Still holding each other, Edward mumbles into Jasper's shoulder, "I know you're there, and I don't care. We just need one more minute."

This is, by far, the cutest fucking thing ever.

"Um, well, okay, but I think they need to go now, Edward," I say quietly.

"I know, I know," he says, and releases Jasper, backing away.

I feel like I should thank them for coming over, but that feels weird and stupid.

Jasper fills the awkward silence for me. "Alice, it was very nice to meet you, I hope you know I was just giving you hell earlier. I only do that to people I like," he says and winks. And then he hugs me. _What is with this family and the hugging?_

"No worries, Jasper, I can take a joke," I say, and Edward cough-laughs. I turn to glare at him. "Shut it."

Edward says his goodbye to Bella, who, of course, hugs him. Now they've got their things and are standing in the hall waiting for the elevator. Edward puts his arm around me as we stand in the doorway while they wait. "Bye, guys," I say sadly as the elevator dings and the doors open.

Bella and I make eye contact and she gives me this look. This look says so many things that I can't even begin to break down. But I like it, so I return it. I hope she sees what I'm trying to tell her. They wave in unison. _The four of us are a pathetic bunch, that's for sure._ We wave back. The doors close. Edward pulls me back into the loft and shuts the door softly.

"Wanna talk about it?" he asks gently.

"Yeah," I say, and begin to cry.

**A/N:**

**First of all, thanks for coming back! **

**Many thanks to my wife, vixnixx, for putting up with my incessant talk about this story, for reading it while I stand over your shoulder, and for making me feel like a rockstar. Big thanks and hugs to MessyBar, KaylaTheCullen, DeeDreamer, & boniver115 - you guys rock! Apparently it takes a lot of people to help me not sound like an idiot. ;-) Thank you so much! :-D**

**Reviews are better than a sweet and sensual kiss from Lesbi-Bella. ;-) So push that button!**


	3. Chapter 3 Circle Of Light

**S. Meyer owns it. Not me. I just gayed them up and made them have sex – for real.**

when you look in the mirror

do you see visions of your past

i ain't got time for halfway

i ain't got time for half-assed

when i look in the mirror

i see my days to come

and my face is just a trace

of where i'm coming from

just outside the circle of light

is where you've been living

your whole life

you've got to jump into the center

and launch your attack

and then you've got to crawl back

in the corners

where it's really black

**Circle of Light, Ani DiFranco**

Bella and Jasper are out of sight but not out of mind. As we walk away Edward has his arm securely around my waist, and Iʼm thankful for it. He's always supported me; he sees the fear in my eyes, and he knows that now is one of those times when I need him.

Together, we make our way into the living room and I sit at one end of the couch. Kneeling in front of me, he holds my face in his hands and, with his thumbs, wipes away the tears that have pooled under my eyes.

"Your fingers are so ridiculously long; they're like windshield wipers for my face," I joke, trying to lighten the air around us.

"Shut up about my thumbs, Alice. It's not my fault I was born normal and you were born a midget." I can't help but laugh, and he smiles at me. "Now, why the tears?"

I sniffle and try to hold them back. God, I hate crying. "I'm just completely overwhelmed."

He takes a deep breath, gets up off the floor and sits next to me. "I can imagine. You've haven't had anyone spend the night in years. That's a lot to take in."

"It's not just that."

"What else, then?" He searches my eyes for a cause.

"When I agreed to go out last night, I know I said that I was going to try to get lucky, but I wasn't being serious. At least, I didn't think I was." When he first approached me with the idea to go out, I shot him down. Like a fucking sniper. I couldn't understand why he suddenly had taken in interest in taking me out in public. I don't do that. Ever. He bribed me with cash, food, beer, weed-everything a girl could possibly dream of. I was able to stick to my guns until he made _the face_. That fucker. Seriously, who could ever deny his pouty face? It's my kryptonite, and he knows that. Frankly, I'm surprised he hadn't tried it sooner.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pushed you to go out," he says sincerely.

"No, it's not your fault. I needed to." I look down at my feet and shake my head, as if all the thoughts and emotions jumbled inside would magically right themselves. I was so full of shit on Friday, acting like I could just get gussied up, go out to a bar, meet someone and have it not be a big deal. Who was I kidding? _Yourself_. "I guess the idea of getting to know someone, intimately or romantically, whatever, spurs this anxiety. Because I know that it means I'll have to spill my guts at some point."

"And you think Bella is someone you'd want to continue seeing?"

"Duh."

"Okay, I guess that means yes," he says and laughs under his breath.

"I really like her and I don't want her to know that part of me, the monster in me."

"You're not a monster."

"You have to say that because you love me." His refusal to admit that I'm a murderer pisses me off to no end.

"No, I don't. It's what I believe."

"Well, you're wrong."

"Alice," he uses his parental voice. "Come on..."

I cut him off. "I know what happened, Edward. I was there. You weren't," I remind him. "She's going to figure it out. There was recognition in her eyes at breakfast. I know you noticed it. She's probably at home right now, Googling our last name," I point at his laptop on the coffee table, "and then she'll read the news stories. She'll read about how I killed them, Edward." I say it again, louder, so he gets it. "I killed them." I wipe away my tears with my bare arm.

"Ali, please," he whispers.

"No!" I erupt. "Don't tell me it's not my fault. Don't you dare. I will fucking lose my shit if you do."

"Okay, okay. Please, calm down." Tentatively, he scoots a little closer and rubs my back. I lean into him and he puts his arm around me. I don't know what I'd do without him. He's my only family, and here I am screaming at him like a psycho-freak.

"I'm sorry. I feel like I have this ball and chain around my neck. It's hopeless. I'll never be able to be normal. I'm sorry," I repeat. I've stopped trying to hold the tears at bay, because they'll come regardless. He hands me some tissues and I squeeze them in my hand.

"Don't apologize. This is new for you. You're taking a chance and putting yourself out there again. That'll take some getting used to. Honestly, I really don't think Bella's the type to Google stalk you anyway. You're probably safe not saying anything for a little while longer, until you've at least sorted it out for yourself."

"Maybe." I shrug. I really don't know if he's right.

"And you're not hopeless. You're definitely not normal, but that has nothing to do with your past," he says and the corner of his mouth lifts. I push his shoulder lamely. I know he's trying to get me to cheer up, but I'm not done brooding yet.

"Do you think you'll see her again right away? Or are you going to wait it out and not call her for a few days?" He asks.

"No, I told her I'd call her tonight. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I kind of miss her already." I cringe at the words.

"Should I get the number for U-HAUL?"

"Shut up," I say and glare at him. "Come on, I'm being serious."

He holds his hands up in mock defense. "Okay, okay. I'll be serious," he says and nudges my leg.

"Honestly, I'm completely afraid of how strong my feelings are for her. It's too soon to feel this way. Right?" I don't wait for his response. "And to make matters worse, I felt like a total creeper earlier because she caught me watching her sleep."

"You were watching her sleep?" His eyebrows have risen almost to his hairline. _Yeah, he thinks I'm a creeper._

"I couldn't fall asleep last night. I just kept tossing and turning. I came in here, trying to watch TV, but all I kept thinking about was her, being in my bed. So, I went back to the bedroom and sat there, just watching her sleep, and obsessing over everything. She busted me." I look up at him warily.

He blows out a gust of air and looks at me compassionately. "I'm not entirely sure what kind of advice to give you. So far, no one I've dated has stuck around long enough to even worry about telling them anything."

I feel the despair rise up in my chest at the thought of speaking the words aloud. "Well, I don't want to tell her, Edward." A fresh batch of tears escapes; getting close to someone new is what I've always been afraid of. Even the remote possibility of letting Bella into my life incites panic and fear.

"Sshh, Alice. Please don't cry." Quickly, he wraps his arms around me, like a child, and I lay my head against his chest. We zone out for a long while.

In the silence of our living room, he's thinking and contemplating while I'm crying randomly and feeling desperate. There are two pairs of bare feet propped up on the coffee table. He nudges my toes with his own.

"Obviously at some point she saw the story on the news. Or she read about it in the paper. That's why she recognized our last name," he says confidently, as if he's figured it all out.

"I'm sure you're right." I sigh. "This shit sucks, Edward. I just want to get to know her, and have her get to know me, without all of this...divulging of information."

"Ali, you do realize that divulging information is part of what goes on when you build a relationship, don't you? Normally, when you date someone, you tell them about your experiences, about growing up, or about becoming an adult. It's how you learn to connect with each other. Hiding everything won't work. She'll feel like you're keeping her at arm's length. Or worse, that you're not really even interested; which would be tragic, considering you're completely head over heels for her."

"Thanks, Dr. Edward. This is really making me feel loads better," I say sarcastically.

"I'm not trying to make you feel better. I like you like this. I haven't seen your eyes light up the way they did when you were with Bella, since before..."

"I know." I cut him off.

"What I'm trying to tell you is that maybe it's time to change the way you've been handling things. Maybe it's time to put yourself out there. Maybe Bella is the one you can do that with."

"That's a lot of maybes big brother. You seem really confident that Bella is my Neo, and you barely know her," I accuse.

"I just have a feeling about her. I could tell by the way she was looking at you, she brings out the old you. It was nice this morning. It felt normal again."

I despise myself for making him yearn for normalcy. I'm completely to blame for the lack of it.

If he's right, I can't even imagine what that would mean. Possibly having a chance at a normal life, having someone love me who isn't genetically related, is an amazing feeling. Just thinking about _her_, about how she looked at me after we kissed for the first time, blasts the desperation in my chest to smithereens. Her effect on me is unmistakable. The feeling is addictive. I could get used to it, that's for certain.

"As much as I want to ignore my past and never tell another soul about what happened, I want to know her more. I want to see her again. I can't _not_ see her again," I say, very seriously.

I can hear his smile. "I know you can't, little sister."

"Well, this has been sufficiently emo for a Saturday morning," I say sarcastically, trying to deflect this topic of conversation. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I fucking hate crying.

He gives me a tight squeeze and then pushes me off of him. "How about some coffee?" He gets up and I let myself freefall onto the couch in his absence. l lie there like a blob, my face smashed into the leather cushion.

"Yes, please," is my muffled reply. "And please make it _my_ way. I know you think it's too sweet, but that's how I like it." I'm on the verge of whining, but he always fucks up my coffee.

"That's what she said."

"Oh my god," I say as I sit up and clutch my chest mockingly. "Did you really just say that? Edward, are you okay? Do I need to take your temperature?"

"Oh, please. It's not like I _never _joke. I guess I'm just feeling playful or silly. I don't know what it is," he explains while gesturing wildly with his hands. I roll my eyes.

Eventually, I join him in the kitchen. I hop up onto the counter and he hands me my mug. "I know exactly what it is, mister. You got laid."

"Uh, well, I guess," he stammers. "Yes, that is part of it. Doesn't this totally disgust you? Talking to me about my sex life?"

I take a sip of my coffee. _Mmm, it's delicious. Good job, maid boy_. "Of course it does. However, if it makes you quote _The Office_, hell, I'm all for disgusting sister-brother bonding time."

"Alright, but you asked for it," he says and wiggles his eyebrows.

"Okay, enough of that," I say as I point to his forehead. "That might be where I draw the line."

"Fine. What do you want to know?"

"Tell me everything about…Jasper." I say his name in a really terrible southern accent.

"The accent is totally hot, isn't it?" Involuntarily, I make a face. "Oh, don't look at me like that." He admonishes.

"So it's safe to say you like him?" I ask.

"I suppose, if you like the tall, southern, handsome, beautiful, sexy, god-like kind of guy. When our eyes met last night from across the room, I just felt...like..."

"You just knew?" I finish for him.

"Yeah, I just knew." He furrows his brow and looks down at his mug. "I know it's all way too soon, just like you said. But, Alice, you know that I don't really date, and I don't make a habit of having one night stands; there was no way I could have walked away from him last night."

I nod my head in understanding. I know exactly what he means.

"Do you guys have a lot in common? I mean, I don't know how much talking you did, but did you at least find out what he does for a living?"

He scoffs. "As if. Do _you _even know what _Bella_ does? Because I do."

I'm going to slap that smirk right off of his pretty little face in a second.

"No, I don't and you better just fucking tell me right now before I physically harm you."

"Jesus, okay. You always resort to violence."

I glare and wait for him to continue.

"She's a personal trainer."

"She's a what?"

"You heard me. She's a personal trainer. She does freelance, not in a gym. I asked. She's contracted by rich people, goes to their house, and trains them. Personally." He laughs at his own stupid joke.

"Uh, wow. That's not at all what I thought you were going to say."

She's really smart and she has a great body, but it's not overtly muscular. It's the last thing I would have thought, if I had tried to guess.

This new piece of information makes her hotter. Who knew that was possible?_ Form-fitting work out gear, sweating, lunging, bouncing…_

He snaps his fingers in front of my face and I'm pulled away from my fantasizing. "Hello! What did you think she did for a living? Or were you hoping she was a dominatrix?" _What's with all the fucking eyebrow wiggling? Such a dork_.

"Well, even if I did hope for that, those dreams are now crushed, so there's no use crying over it."

"You're such a pervert," he says, like I didn't already know that.

Ignoring his comment, I continue to pry. "Okay, so tell me more about Mr. Sex God."

"Jazz."

"He likes Jazz?"

"No, that's what people call him. Like, J-a-s."

"Oh, not as in music?"

"No. But he is a musician."

"Of course he is. Let me guess. He's in a band, he's going on tour soon, and wants to sweep you off your feet, taking you with him!"

"You're so funny!" He says with a fake smile. "Shut up."

"Sorry," I say between giggles. "Continue."

"Anyway, no, he's not in a band. He a solo musician, or at least he was back in Washington. He sings Blues mostly, but a little bit of everything else. He has a beautiful voice."

"How do you know?" I ask skeptically.

"He might have sung to me a little." The boy actually looks sheepish. I think I might love Jasper for causing my brother to blush.

"Okay, that's just fucking cheesy. You totally fell for it though, didn't you?" I laugh really hard at Edward's expense. It's what I do.

"Yes, I fell for it. I'm not ashamed of it, either. There's no way in hell I was going to let go of that man without testing him out first," he says and motions to my hands. "Just use your coffee cup if you're going to barf."

"Shut up. I'm fine, but um," I hesitate before asking, because I don't _really_ want to know this, but I _do_ want to see how it parallels my experience with Bella. "So? How was it?" I cringe.

"You really want to know?"

"Well, not in fine detail or anything, but, yes, I do."

"Best. Sex. Ever."

"I knew it!" I yell and punch his arm in my excitement.

"Ouch! Why are you hitting me if you're happy?" He looks at me incredulously while rubbing his arm.

"Sorry, I just knew that it was the same for you somehow. It makes me happy that you're happy." We smile at each other. We're such cheesy bastards.

"You can be so sweet when you want to be, you know that?"

"Aw, Edward, you're so good at compliments," I say sarcastically.

"Yeah, yeah. Enough about Jasper. Give me the details on little Miss Bella. It was pretty obvious to me that you two were getting along well this morning. I won't even mention the disturbing things we heard last night," he says and looks like he's eaten something sour.

I totally deserve that after all my mocking. Even so, I must fight back. It would be against my nature not to.

"Oh yeah, well we heard your loud asses too," I say snottily, and then begin to reenact it for him. "Oh, Jasper! Yes, give it to me baby! Uh huh, yeah, just like that!"

"Whatever."

"Mmmhmm, that's what I thought."

"Here's a little tip for _you, _by the way," he says. "If you're going to engage in raucous fucking, try something other than angsty folk rock. It doesn't cover up anything, no matter how loud you turn it up. We heard pretty much everything."

I'm mortified. Just a little.

"Yeah, sorry about that. I guess I'll have to come up with something louder next time. If there even is a next time."

"Based on what I saw this morning, it didn't seem to me like she'd be opposed to that."

"Strangely enough, I think you're right. I thought for sure that would be one hell of an awkward situation this morning. I really felt comfortable around her though. Around him, even."

"Jas has a way of making you feel like you can be yourself around him; that you could confide in him." He looks off into the distance dreamily. It's disgusting how far gone he is already, but it makes me realize something.

I look at him suspiciously. "Did you tell him?"

"No, not exactly."

"What does "not exactly" mean, Edward? You either told him, or you didn't."

"Fine. I didn't."

I narrow my eyes, searching his face for answers. "What _did _you say to him?"

"I simply told him that our parents had passed away. I didn't go into detail and he didn't push," he assures. "The only reason I mentioned it was because he was telling me about his and Bella's parents."

"And what did he say? Bella and I didn't get that far." I give him a small smile.

_We were busy._

Their dad's name is Charlie, he's the chief of police in Forks. Their mom's name is Renee, and she's a nurse. Now comes the juicy part. Jasper is the product of an affair his mom had with a doctor at the hospital. When he found out she was knocked up, he took off. Bella's dad adopted him right after he was born."

"No way. That's so scandalous!"

"I know, right? I was totally prying and sweet talking him into telling me more details."

I just shake my head and stare at him. "You look crazy right now. You really get off on getting inside people's heads don't you?"

"You say that like it's a bad thing," he scoffs.

This will work in my favor; Bella knows what it's like to live in small town and have people know details about your personal life. "Their family scandal makes me feel a little better, knowing that their lives aren't so perfect. I know being gay in a small town has definite drawbacks, but this whole affair thing evens the playing field just a little."

"Talk about crazy. Do you hear yourself right now?" He asks.

"What?"

"Evens the playing field? Come on, it's not going to bode well for you if you continue think that way. I'm sure Bella isn't at home, thinking about all the ways you might be screwed up, in order to make herself look less so."

"That's not what I'm doing at all!" I say and push his shoulder. God, he knows how to piss me off.

"Yes, it is."

"No, it's not."

"Yes. It. Is."

"Ugh! Dealing with all this crap isn't worth it. I was perfectly happy alone. Maybe I should just stay that way," I say haughtily, acting very much like a five year old.

_What the fuck? Do I have PMS or just psychotic mood swings?_

"Really? You were perfectly happy spending ninety percent of your day here, alone? You don't mind waking up alone, eating breakfast alone, watching TV alone, or taking a walk around the block alone? Oh and don't forget, eating dinner alone. Going to bed every single night alone. That life makes you perfectly happy?"

I know he's right, but I'm not ready to admit it, at least not out loud. I can't look at him either. I hate it when he makes that face. The "I love you but I'm not going to let you ruin your life by keeping everyone at bay so they can't judge you" face. We do this every six months or so. Though, this time he's being pushier than normal, and bossy. He's so damn bossy.

Normally I would just avoid this subject altogether. Last night's events have obviously changed that. I guess I just have to suck it up and deal. _Emo Saturday version 2.0 now commences. _

"Edward," I say quietly, "even if I tried, I don't know how to even begin letting her become a part of my life. What if she doesn't even want that? I'm assuming she's interested. Maybe I'm reading everything all wrong. I really am clueless; I don't know what to think."

He puts his arm back around me, holds me tight, and says. "Little one, I know you don't have any idea what you're doing, but you have to at least give it a shot. I'll help you in any way that I can. You know that." He kisses my hair, and I lean into him.

"When I was little, I hated it so much when Dad called me that. I would give anything to hear him say it again."

He doesn't say anything. He just lets me talk.

He knows how deep the guilt runs; he's seen me at my worst. There's no point in trying to argue with me.

"You know what's funny? Right after they died, I tried to work through the grief of losing them and the guilt of it being my fault by imagining what I'd be doing a few years in the future. I guess, it was to prove to myself that I could move past it; that I could recover or atone. And you know what I saw? I saw myself living life, going to college, having friends, and having a girlfriend. I missed them of course, but I was at peace."

"What's funny about that?" he asks quietly.

"That I none of those things has happened. Not even one."

"You've been protecting yourself. I understand why." He pushes me back by my shoulders, looks at me warily, and says, "But in protecting yourself, you've also closed yourself off. We've had this discussion before; I just think it's a little different this time because now you have a motivator in Bella."

This kills me. I hate it when he says smart things. I sigh deeply. "You're right. She definitely gives me something to think about and look forward to."

"I know she does. I think that's why you're even considering telling her about what happened. You've never gone there before, except with Tanya." I cringe at the mention of her name. "Sorry," he says.

"That's another fucking thing I have to deal with. I'm going to have to tell Bella about her, aren't I?" _Fuuuuck_.

"I don't see how it would be possible not to," he says and shrugs.

"Great."

He runs his hands through his hair. "Listen, you know I don't have a shit load of experience in this department, I barely date as it is, but maybe I can help you."

"Help me? How?" This should be good.

"It's called role playing, I learned about it in one of my psych courses. Just trust me. I'll be Bella and you try to have a conversation with me about something personal. It'll help you gauge her reactions and give you some practice. It'll be fun." He smiles widely. He thinks this is the best idea ever.

"I don't know," I say skeptically. "You're not going to put on a dress are you?"

The look he gives makes me laugh; he's not at all amused. "What? It would make this role playing thing more realistic." I'm still laughing.

"Bella wasn't even wearing a dress! Don't be ridiculous." He rolls his eyes. "Come sit down with me. We need to be face to face."

"Alright, Dr. Phil, let's try it. If anything, I'll get a good laugh out of imagining you in a dress," I tease, hopping down and following him back to the couch, taking a seat next to him.

Ignoring my comment, he turns to me and takes my hands. His head tilts to the right, he bats his eyelashes and says (in a really, really terrible "girl" voice), "So, Alice, now that we've consummated our relationship, I think it's time that I get to know the you in here." He points to my heart.

"Are you trying to make me puke, or pee my pants?" I ask seriously.

"Don't break character! This is serious!" He insists.

"I can't do this if you're going to say stupid ass shit like 'consummated.' Who talks like that?"

"Alright, fine." He clears his throat and begins again. "Now that we've been intimate," he stresses the last word to annoy me, "I think you should tell me something personal about yourself."

I have to restrain myself from rolling my eyes. Bella wouldn't say it like that. She'd say something charming and sweet that would make me laugh, and I'd forget any anxiety I might have.

With very little enthusiasm, I answer, "Well, Bella, since you asked so nicely, I suppose I could give you a snippet of information."

Edward claps his hands like a little girl and says, "Oh goodie!"

"Edward..." I warn.

"It's Bella. And I would certainly hope that, since I let you inside my vagina, you would remember my name."

I close my eyes and shake my head. That fucking voice he's using is going to cause me to have one of those night terrors-I'll be sweaty and thrashing in my bed, while a drag queen Bella chases me through the woods screaming, "consummate me!"

"What kind of personal thing would you like to know?" I play along.

"Tell me about your last sexual partner."

"What? This is just...stupid."

"You don't want me to know?" He makes a sad/scary face.

"Oh come on! You can't make faces!"

"Do you see this, Alice? It's a tear running down my cheek. Please don't push me away." He uses his forefinger to run an imaginary trail down his cheek.

Oh for fuck's sake, this is just out of control. I can't believe I'm engaging him in this fuckery.

"I'm not pushing you away," I say reluctantly. _This better fucking help_. "My last, um, sexual partner, was this girl from school. Tanya."

"Oh? Tanya? Were you in long term relationship with this…Tanya?" He says her name with disdain.

"Bella wouldn't say it like that."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be jealous. We've only just met. Please accept my apologies. I just feel very...protective of you." He's forgotten to use the girl voice and I feel creeped out.

I whisper, "Uh, Edward, you're using your man voice, and as your sister, I don't think you should be saying things like that to me."

"Oh, right." He continues in the girl-monster voice, "Like I said, I just feel connected to you; I just want to _know_ you."

"Uh, we were sort of long term, I guess. I don't really know what it was. We met my senior year of high school, and lost touch after awhile. I caught up with her last year and we had a short fling. It was nothing I would call serious."

"See how easy that was?" Edward asks, returning to himself.

"You've lost me. What was so easy?"

"You didn't realize that you just had word vomit? You revealed something really personal, even alluding to a time period that was incredibly difficult for you, and you didn't even flinch!" He tackles me on the couch and hugs me really hard. Too hard.

"Edward," I struggle to get the words out because he's crushing my lungs, "Get off of me."

"Sorry," he says as he sits up and straightens his shirt. "I think you can do this. You're just afraid, but there's no real reason why you can't try. So stop being a pussy,and just fucking call her."

I bitch-brow him. "Watch it, mister." I think about it quickly, deciding that I'm going to just risk it and see what happens. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yes. I'm going to try to have a relationship with Bella, if she'll have me."

"Hallelujah!"

"Dork."

"Whatever, I just made a complete breakthrough, and you're so ungrateful."

"You did not, by any means, make a complete breakthrough." One psychology class and he's fucking Freud.

"We'll see," he grumbles under his breath. "I have to study now. You need to figure out your shit before you call Bella tonight."

"Yeah, yeah. Are you leaving and going to the library, or are you going to stay here?"

"I was thinking of going to the library. I don't want you bothering me with your swooning and paper-heart making."

"Don't forget doodling her name all over my notebooks, or picking petals off of flowers and reciting 'she loves me, she loves me not'."

"I'm leaving now, smart ass."

"Bring me back a treat."

"A treat? What, like a popsicle?"

"No dummy, like booze or something. I'm going to need it."

"What was I thinking? Of course." He grabs me again and squishes me as hard as he can until I feel like my ribs might crack. "I love you, sister," he says as he kisses the top of my head.

Why does he have to be so god damn sweet? "I love you too, brother. Now go away."

He lets me go and I get up to grab a bottle of water from the fridge, yelling that I'll see him later as I walk down the hall back to my bedroom.

Setting the water on my nightstand and flopping onto my unmade bed, I pull the sheet up to my nose and inhale what's left of Bella's scent. It's glorious. I love the way she smells-it makes my heart race. I don't often feel this way, and I like it. I like it a lot. I want her back here, in my bed. I want to lie beside her, watch her animated facial expressions, listen to her soft lilting voice, and feel her warm skin under my fingertips. With these thoughts, I let myself fall into a sweet daydream. Closing my eyes, I see us here, lying face to face, watching each other with rapt attention. Her presence relaxes me. I feel like I can breathe easy; I'm sated and at the same time, I hunger for her. In my fantasy, I don't have to worry that I want too much too soon, or that I'll send her running for any reason whatsoever. In this place, my grin is wide, my heart is strong and my want for her is overwhelming. I welcome it. I realize that what I want the most is to know her, inside and out. I ache to know what makes her laugh, what pisses her off, what motivates her, and what makes her cry. I can't wait to learn these things.

Being alone, like I have been for the past few years, has been fairly easy. Not to say that it hasn't been painful and isolated, but it wasn't difficult to close myself off from the rest of the world. Maybe that's because I haven't ever known what it was like to crave another person's presence. This yearning in the pit of my stomach to feel the weight of her body on mine has been incessant since she walked out the door. I can barely grasp how crazy it all makes me feel. My head is fraught with every emotion I can think of. Not to mention the conversation I had with Edward has definitely conjured up a lot of old memories and long forgotten feelings. Admittedly, if I had spent these last three years waiting on someone like Bella to show up in my life, it would have been much harder. I had counted on the fact that someone like her didn't even exist, as well as the fact that I didn't deserve a person like that. I don't deserve her, even now.

Someone once said to me, "It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when you think it's everything you want," and oh how those words ring true to me now! I would wait around forever for the chance to be with her. I know it, deep in my gut. It's only been a day, but it doesn't matter to me-time cannot dictate your feelings. If it's in your blood, if you feel it in your bones, then it's real. It's worth the risk and the heartache. _Right?_

I grab the pillow that she slept on and hug it to my body. Finding the perfect spot to lay my head, I pull the blankets up over my shoulders. I drift off to thoughts of a beautiful brown-eyed girl.

My eyes flutter open and it's dark. _Shit, how long did I sleep? _Turning over to my bedside table, I fumble around until I find an object that feels like my phone. I press the keypad to light it up and see that it's already after nine o'clock. _What the hell? Jesus, I'm a lazy bastard. _Turning over to lie flat on my back, I reach my hands up above my head and, stretching like a cat, I point my toes downward and feel the pull on the muscles in my calves. My fingers reach around to grip the back of my headboard and instantly I'm reminded of the events that took place the previous night. _Mmmmm, those are nice thoughts. _Replaying the scene in my head stirs the desire deep within my belly, and I press my thighs together to relieve some of the ache. _That's not going to cut it for very long._ I can't let myself think about that right now. It's definitely food time, and my stomach growls right on cue.

Forcing myself to leave the confines of my cozy bed and the potential for some self love, I throw off the blankets and hop out. I need a shower. I'm so gross right now. Disrobing as I walk to the bathroom, I take a long look at myself in the mirror. _Hmm, not bad I guess. Eyes are a little tired, and I smell a little funky_. Turning to the side, I check out my profile. This is what she saw, and she didn't complain, even if she is a personal trainer. I guess that's saying something. I rub my belly and jut it out to see how far it goes. _That's a sad excuse for a belly;, maybe after I put some food in there I'll try again. _

_God I'm weird._

I feel like a whole new woman after showering and changing into clean clothes - not my own, of course. I need to do laundry, badly. Thankfully, Edward hasn't returned from his book orgy, and I was able to sneak in his room and borrow his favorite U of C t-shirt and a pair boxer shorts. He's going to kill me, but whatever. I'll wash them, eventually.

I pour myself a bowl of cereal and sit at the counter. I check my phone for messages, even though I know they would only be from Edward. It's already gnawing at my subconscious that I need to call Bella, and soon. It's now after ten o'clock and I think it would be an appropriate time to call her. She did say "tonight", which to me, implies darkness, and it is dark outside now. I'm assuming she'd rather hear from me sooner rather than later, considering she said to me, "Don't go and give me the three-day waiting period bullshit." The memory makes me laugh. Damn, she's feisty. I need to stop rambling to myself and just fucking call her.

This is exactly what being thirteen years old and calling a boy for the first time felt like. Yeah, I called boys on the phone. Sue me. My heart is in my throat as I scroll down through my contacts. There are only five: Edward, who I've named "Ass Muncher" so he's first on the list, then Bella, and after that my cousin Emmett and his wife Rosalie. Last on the list is "Taxi". It's helpful when you get lost.

I highlight Bella's name and, with great anxiety, press send.

**A/N:**

**Hi! Thanks for coming back! I've been so completely giddy over the story/author alerts and favorites. Not to mention the reviews! Wow. I love you guys so much for taking the time to read my little ditty. I wish (oh how I wish) I could update every week, but I just don't think I can. I will try really hard for every 2 weeks (probably late Friday nights) as an update schedule. **

**Endless thanks and big giant Emmett-style bear hugs to vixnixx, MessyBar, and boniver115. You're my bitches. **mwah****

**P.S.  
I must not forget my mentor, MsRason. I bow down to you.**

**P.S.S.**

**Don't forget to check out the RLY Blog! ****.com**


	4. Chapter 4 Hypnotized

**I have two things to say, then I'll shut up and let you read. **

**One - S. Meyer owns it. I turned them into homosexuals, you get the picture.**

**Two - I fucking love you guys. That is all. Enjoy.**

_so that's how you found me_

_rain falling around me_

_lookin down at a worm_

_with a long way to go_

_and the traffic was hissing by_

_and i was homesick_

_and i was high_

_i was surrounded by a language_

_in which i could say only hello_

_and thank you very much_

_but you spoke so i could understand_

_and i drew a treasure map on your hand_

_**Hypnotized, Ani DiFranco**_

One ring. Two rings. Three rings. _Shit. I'm not leaving a message. I suck at leaving messages. _Four rings. "Hello?" a sweet voice answers.

"Hello?" I repeat, and roll my eyes at myself. "Um, Bella?

"Alice, hi." She sounds happy to hear from me.

"Is this a good time? I didn't know if you'd be out or…"

"No, this is a great time. I've been home for a few hours, just vegging out, watching TV."

"Oh, okay. Well, um, how was your day?" I'm really struggling…already. _Get your shit together._

"How was my day?" She chuckles. "It was, uh, pretty ordinary, I guess. I worked most of the day, but other than that, nothing else seems worthy of pointing out."

"Oh, uh right, yeah, uh Edward told me that you're a personal trainer. That's so funny." _Ah, fuck. _

"Funny?"

"No, not funny 'ha ha', but funny, like, I wouldn't have ever thought that would be your job." _Oh yeah, that's better. Dumbass._

"Okay," she says slowly, "I think I can see what you're trying to say here, and as entertaining as I think it might be to listen to you flounder for a few more minutes, I'll let you off the hook." Luckily, I can hear the smile in her voice.

I take a deep breath. "Alright, thank you. I'll start over, how about that?"

"Sounds like a good plan." She is such a smartass, and it's one of my favorite things about her.

I try to regain my footing. "I bet you're an amazing personal trainer."

She laughs whole-heartedly. "Much better. I like how you think."

"Why, thank you. Just a disclaimer, before we go any further - I don't do exercise."

She laughs again. "Oh, I see, you're one of those lucky bitches who gets to eat whatever she wants, never works out, and never gains a pound?"

"Yes, I would be one of those lucky bitches. Don't be a hater," I say.

"That's an impossible request."

"I guess you'll just have to learn to love me, despite my impeccable metabolism."

_Holy shit. I just told her she has to love me._

"Hmm…I'll give it my best effort. I don't do anything half-assed, you know." She's smirking, I know she is. God, that's sexy.

"I bet you don't," I say, and chuckle under my breath. I switch my phone to the other ear and hold it with my shoulder. "And you don't have to, you know, love me. What I said before, I was just joking."

I get up from the bar stool and walk to the sink, dumping my cereal bowl in the basin.

"It's okay. I know what you meant," Bella says gently and continues, "Um, Alice, would you mind terribly if go ahead and just be blunt about what I'm thinking right now?"

_Uh. Gulp._

"I'm a little scared now, but no, I wouldn't mind. Go right ahead," I say confidently, even though I'm anything but. I grip the edge of the sink and bow my head, waiting for the worst.

"There's nothing to be scared of, I promise. I can't help but think that you're a little nervous or something. I'm not sure why. You seemed so much more at ease with me when I last saw you. Are you calling to tell me you're…not interested anymore?"

Is she kidding? I push off from the counter and start pacing the room.

"My God, no! No no no. I'm definitely not calling to tell you that. You told me to call you. Remember?"

"I know, but I just thought maybe…"

"No, maybe nothing. I like you - a lot. I want to see you again. Soon, really soon." I can't help but laugh at my own ridiculousness.

She lets out a long breath. "Okay, good. I was worried there for a minute. I like you a lot too, Alice. I also want to see you again too, really soon," she says and laughs.

"Are you making fun of me?"

"Yes."

"That's what I thought."

She doesn't let me off the hook, though, and continues her previous line of questioning. "Why _are_ you so nervous, then? That is, since you're not calling to get rid of me."

"Um, I guess this is all kind of new for me, calling people."

"What do you mean? You don't ever call anyone just to chat?"

"No, not really."

"Oh. You don't have a best friend or anything like that?"

"Nope. Not unless you count Edward. He's my best girlfriend."

She laughs. "I'm sure he'd appreciate you calling him your girlfriend."

"I've called him worse; he's used to it."

"Somehow, I believe you."

"Don't get me wrong, I love him. I suppose it's easier to confide in him than try to make friends with new people." I cringe at my explanation. I sound like an anti-social freak.

"I suppose it is. But doesn't that get a little lonely?"

"Sometimes."

"We can talk about something else, if you want."

"No, it's okay. I'm trying to be more open. This is going to sound way too cheesy, but I feel like I want to tell you whatever you want to know. Just so you know, that's not normal for me."

"Is that so?" She obviously smells a prime opportunity to exploit me - another trait I adore.

"Yes, that is so," I mimic her phrasing.

"Hush. It's a fancy way to say 'oh really.'"

"I know. That's why I'm making fun of you."

"Ha ha ha," she says sarcastically. "Fine, if you're willing to tell me anything, then I propose a game of twenty questions."

"Seriously?

"Yes. Seriously," she says sarcastically. "I think you're full of it, so I'm calling your bluff."

"I'm very competitive," I warn.

"So am I," she retorts.

"Alright, shoot." I'm extremely nervous, but I can't let it show. She could ask me anything, and I can't let her win by not answering. That would just be…wrong.

"First question: did you have a security blanket or a stuffed animal when you were a child?"

Or maybe I _can_ let her win.

"Pass."

She laughs loudly. "You can't pass! There's no passing in twenty questions! Unless you're caving on the first question," she says slyly.

"No way," I say, pausing to think about the repercussions of my admission. _Crap_. "Fine! Yes, I did."

"Elaborate please."

I roll my eyes, because I knew my answer wouldn't suffice. Quickly and quietly, I mumble, "It was a doll named 'Jelly Belly' that smelled like grape jelly."

I think I hear her stumble and drop the phone, and there's hysterical laughter in the background. "Hello?" I ask, pretending to be annoyed.

"I'm sorry." She sounds as if she's out of breath, and I hear the receiver grazing against something. "Oh, that was good. I did not expect that at all."

"Yeah, yeah. Next question," I grumble, feigning impatience.

She clears her throat, obviously composing herself. "No, now it's your turn. Ask me anything, anything at all."

I take a deep breath. This could be good. "Um, tell me this: what were you thinking when you first saw me, you know, in the bar?"

"Well, you're just diving right in, aren't you? Hmm, that is a very good question. I don't know if I should answer it, though. It might give you the upper hand here."

I respond immediately, "Oh, now you _have_ to tell me."

She laughs. "Alright, alright. Honestly, my first thought was that I'm a flipping idiot, and I should be more careful. I need to watch where I'm going and stop running into people."

I love that she can make fun of herself. "Right, right. Because you almost knocked the wind out of me. I remember."

"How could you possibly forget? I thought for sure you were going to yell at me; the look on your face was not one of understanding," she points out.

"You noticed that, huh? Yeah, I was a little pissed at first. That was only because it's usually some muscle-head who can't even see me standing there due to his large obtrusive neck."

I love trying to making her laugh. I'm loving just about everything, aren't I?

"You _are_ pretty tiny," she agrees. "I can see that happening to you in a bar full of dudes."

"Dudes?"

"What? Yes, I say dudes. Move on," she demands, giggling.

_What a dork. _

"Alright, now tell me the second thing you thought. Unless _you're_ giving up already," I say, hoping to goad her into answering the question honestly.

"Fine, fine. You got me," she says, and then quietly continues. "I don't remember thinking anything. I just knew that there was absolutely no way in hell I was letting you out of my sight without first finding out what it felt like to kiss you."

I didn't realize I was holding my breath, and at the end her confession, I let it out in a rush. My heart is in my throat and my entire body is on fire at the mention of her kissing me. In a whisper, bravely, I ask, "What did that kiss feel like?" At this moment, my whole world depends on her answer. It's shallow and pathetic, but it's true.

"Tsk tsk tsk, it's my turn now," she answers huskily.

"You're killing me, Bella. Absolutely killing me."

"I know," she says with a smirk in her voice.

"Please stop torturing me and ask your damn question," I say with a desperate laugh.

"What did the kiss feel like for you?" She sounds shy and unsure, I just don't understand why.

"It felt like I'd been longing for that kiss my whole life, and I'd finally gotten it. It felt like I couldn't get close enough to you, even if I stepped inside your body. I couldn't ever be close enough."

After my long hesitation, Bella continues. "Alice…"

"I'm sorry." Quickly, I try to recover. "Was that too much?"

She takes a deep breath. "Definitely not. What you said was beautiful. I don't know what to say."

Great. Well, let's just get it over with then.

"It's okay," I say. "I understand. I didn't think it was right to feel like this so quickly. You probably think I'm a crazy stalker now. I'm really sorry…"

"Shut up, Alice," she interrupts my tangent.

"What?"

"I said, shut up. Close your mouth and listen to me."

"Okay, shutting up."

"Listen, flirting with you is a lot of fun, and messing with your head is even more fun, but I can tell that you're really nervous about this…um, situation. I understand that. So I'm going to cut to the chase. I like you. A fucking lot. Like, I can't stop thinking about you. I can still feel your kiss on my lips and your hands on my body. To be completely honest, I want to feel all those things again, many times over. So, in a nutshell, that's how I feel about you. I don't think you're a crazy stalker. Stalk me, if you want. I won't protest."

Picking my mouth up off the floor and trying to steady my heartbeat must have taken up most of my brain function, because I cannot form any words.

"Hello?" she asks timidly.

"Shit, yes. I'm here. I'm sorry. I'm in shock, I think."

"You're in shock because I was honest with you?"

"No, I can recognize that you're an honest person. It's the fact that you feel the same way I do. That's what's shocking me."

"Why?"

"Because, I don't deserve you."

"Oh? And why not?"

"I just don't."

"You're not going to tell me why?"

"Not tonight," I say firmly.

"Okay, not tonight," she concedes. "Another time?"

"Yes, another time."

"What are you doing right now?" she asks.

"Um, talking to you on the phone?"

"Duh. I know that." She's definitely rolling her eyes at me. "What I mean is, what were you doing before I called?"

"Uh, I'm hanging out in my dark kitchen, pacing the length of it like a caged animal."

"Alright, that's odd. Um, would it be too forward of me to ask you to come over?"

_Uh, hell no, that's not forward, and yes please!_

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yes."

We are ridiculous.

"Do you want my address...or have you already started the stalking?"

"Sorry to disappoint, but no, I haven't had time for stalking. I've been busy lately," I say suggestively.

"Uh, huh. I bet. Well, come on over. I can keep you busy here, too."

Her tone and the implication of her words have my insides twitching with desire. I really hope she lets me fuck her.

_I should have been born a man._

"You don't need to ask me twice. You want to text me your address?"

"Will do, as soon as we hang up. Are you…coming over right now?" she asks shyly.

"Is that what you want?"

_Please say yes._

"That's what I want."

_That's the same as yes. Score!_

"Then I'll be right over."

"Okay, then I guess this is goodbye for now, but can we finish our game when you get here?"

"Yes, of course. I can't let you win." My smile is ridiculously wide; I must look like a lunatic.

"Good. I'll see you soon. Bye," she says quietly.

"Bye, Bella."

I hang up. Oh. My. God. I shake my head and look at the floor, expecting it to open up and swallow me whole. That would make more sense than the utter happiness and elation that I'm feeling. I snap myself out of the post-phone call haze. A few seconds later, my phone beeps. It's Bella's text.

**420 W Ontario, Unit 7. Use the call box. **

**And hurry up. -B**

I smile at her bossiness and respond in kind.

**Got it. Keep your pants on, I'll be there as fast as I can. **

**On second thought, lose the pants. -A**

I'm not so worried about scaring her away anymore, not after her confession. My phone beeps again.

**Naughty girl. If you stop texting me, you WOULD be here faster. **

**And then you can see for yourself about the pants. -B**

_Ungh. Yes. I mean, no. No pants._ _I will pray for no pants the entire way there._

One last text, and then I'll stop.

**Taking a cab. ;-) -A**

Seconds later, another response.

**Make sure u ask for a fast one. -B**

Okay. This is definitely the last one.

**Done. See you in a few minutes. -A**

I wait, tapping my fingers incessantly on the counter top. No more messages.

I race down the hallway into my room, stripping out of my pajamas. I glance at the clock, see that it's almost midnight, and wonder where the hell Edward is. The library closed two hours ago. I'll call him from the cab. _Oh! The cab, right._ I grab my phone, and get the cab company on the line in seconds. It's always a pain in the ass getting them to come out here, especially this late at night.

The cab is ordered, and I've got twenty minutes to get ready.

I throw on gray cargo pants, a white t-shirt, and a black hoodie. After brushing my teeth, washing my face, and running a hand through my hair, I'm ready to go with eleven minutes to spare. Okay, maybe I'm a little too fast. _Or too eager._ I decide to try calling Edward while I wait.

He picks up on the first ring. "Hello?" he yells into the phone. Wherever he is, it's fucking loud. I can hear the bang and clatter of drums, heavy bass and a saxophone overshadowing the chatter of several different people. _Is he in a bar?_

"Where the hell are you?" I yell back.

"Uh, I'm out."

"You're out? What the hell does that mean?" We continue to yell back and forth.

"I'm out, ya know, with a friend."

"Okay, why are you being weird? Where the fuck are you, Edward?"

"I'm at Kingston Mines. With Jasper, err, well, I mean, I'm watching him. He's performing tonight."

"You liar! You said you were going to study. Why did you lie to me? I would have come with you!" What a dick.

"No, listen. I did study. Then I came here. He'll be here for a few hours. Hours, Alice. Are you catching my drift here?"

Right. He'll be gone. Bella will be home alone.

"How did you know I was planning to go over there?" I ask suspiciously.

"Jasper. Bella called him," he explains.

"Okay, well, this worked out quite conveniently." I shake my head to try to make sense of the turn of events.

"Alice, don't question why, just go over there and see her. I'll keep Jasper busy for awhile. Alright?"

"Why are you so good to me?"

He laughs. "Because you're my midget. Now go. Have fun with Bella."

"Alright. I love you, freak."

"Love you too. Don't wait up," he says in a sing song voice.

"Yeah, you either," I say, and laugh.

We say our final goodbyes, and I hang up.

Approximately twenty minutes later, I'm being dropped off in front of Bella's building. My hands are sweaty and my mouth is dry. I need to get a grip. This isn't a blind date. We've seen each other naked, for god's sake. I try to shake off my nervousness and walk up to the gate surrounding a large red brick townhouse. It's swanky. I can see why Jasper thought we lived in a warehouse fit for mobsters. I dial the number for Bella's unit on the call box, the buzzer sounds and the gate clicks open. I find my way to her door; the hallway is quiet, and I can hear the muffled sounds of a television from one of the other units. It's dimly lit, which bothers me. Someone needs to put in brighter bulbs; she shouldn't be walking around in dark hallways in the middle of the night. What if someone were to attack her? I make a mental note to bring this to her attention.

Then, I realize how insane I sound and decide against it.

I take a deep breath and knock. As my fist hits the door the second time, it swings open and she's there. She looks beautiful. Instantly my nervousness subsides and is replaced with butterflies, the good kind. I don't know how long we stand at the door staring at each other, but she's biting her lip and looking at me from under her lashes, a coy smile playing on her face.

"You just gonna stand there and ogle me all night? Or are you going to come inside?" she asks.

Shaking my head at her smartass comment, I cross the threshold, passing by her. On the sly, at least I hope it is, I inhale her scent. Jesus, I love her smell. I stand there awkwardly, scratching the back of my neck while she closes and locks the door behind her.

"Hi there," she says sweetly, walking towards me and grabbing my hand.

"Hi. You look really nice. And you smell good." I groan internally. Do I have no filter at all around her? Or does her proximity just turn my brain to mush? Probably both.

She smiles widely. "Well, thank you for all the compliments. They're not really necessary, though," she says, and moves closer to me, squeezing my hands with her own. I squeeze them back in return, reassuring her - for what I don't know. We stare at each other, neither knowing what the other expects, not wanting to overstep our boundaries. I put a wayward strand of hair behind her ear, and she leans into my touch. I can't help but grin like an idiot. I break eye contact first, looking over her shoulder to survey the rest of the place, at least what I can see from where I'm standing. She laughs quietly at my nosiness. There are warm colors everywhere - burnt oranges, light browns and greens, and lots and lots of candles. In this small space, there's a little brown table with a picture of Bella and Jasper wearing caps and gowns at what looks to be their high school graduation. The rest of the house is quiet, but not eerily so. It smells like Bella in here. There are shoes strewn about the foyer, purses on hooks, hats, and scarves hanging from the door knob of a closet. I did not expect her to be so messy. I have a sudden urge to pick all these things up and put them in their rightful places, but I can put a lid on my obsessiveness. It's easy to be distracted when she's wrapping her arms around my neck and kissing under my jaw.

I can't help but whimper when she kisses the spot right below my ear. I whisper, "Is it insane for me to say I missed you?"

"Not at all. I missed you too," she whispers back. I let go of her hands and use them to bring her face closer to mine, and I kiss her, long, hard and desperately. She moans into my mouth, and my body ignites at the sound. We both fumble with the zipper of my hoodie, trying to get the fucking thing unzipped. Maybe two pairs of hands aren't necessary. I laugh into our kiss and the moment is, at least I hope, temporarily broken.

"Let me try," I say, and easily slide the zipper down. I shrug it off, and she takes it from me, hanging it on the coat rack. I can't help myself. "You're messy," I tease. _Seriously, though._

I get a full force bitch brow out of her. "Oh, really? Well, welcome to _my_ house, where I'm allowed to be as messy as _I_ want to be. Smartass. You know they have pills for those kind of mental issues," she says as she points to my forehead.

There's no way to hide my smile. I grab her hand as she tries to walk away, and I pull her back to me, wrapping my arms securely around her waist so that there's no way for her to get away. I dive right in, running my nose along the path of her collarbone. "Sorry, I'll keep my mouth shut now," I mumble into her chest.

"Good, because I have better plans for your mouth, which are more productive than talking shit," she says, and leaves an open mouthed kiss on my neck. _Oh, holy hell._

"Bella, if you keep doing that, we're never going to make it out of this foyer," I say breathily, my eyes closed.

"Right," she says, and looks up at me. "Come on. Let's move into the living room." She nods her head in the direction of the living area, and I follow, still holding her hand. She leads me to the couch, asks me to sit down, and offers me a drink. I ask for a glass of water and she leaves to get it.

The couch is salmon-colored with a white flower pattern and comfortable as hell. I take it all in - the muted lighting, the knick knacks and picture frames on almost every surface. There are several different kinds of flowers in mismatched vases placed randomly around the room. It's warm and inviting. All I can think is that this place is lived in, and she and Jasper have only been here a short time. The atmosphere is so comforting, a lot like she is. I could stay here forever. The thought that Bella probably took over the decorating duties, leaving Jasper to live in a "girlie" house, makes me laugh to myself.

"Something funny?"

I startle and look up at her. "Oh, no. Uh, not really. I was just thinking that Jasper probably had no say in the color scheme or the decor choices."

Her smile fades and her voice quiets, "Um, well, no, he didn't actually. It was all me. So, yeah." She screws her mouth up, and I jump from my seat, immediately trying to rectify the situation.

"No! No! I didn't mean that I didn't like it. I swear." I try to convince her. "I love it. Everything about it reminds me of a home, a nice comfortable home, with lots of…comfort…and things…" I trail off and shake my head at my idiocy. I open my mouth, trying to untangle the mess I've made, and I see that she's covered her mouth with her hand. "Bella, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean…"

"Gotcha!" she yells with a wide eyes and an ecstatic smile. _That little shit._

"Gotcha?" I ask snidely. I raise an eyebrow as I stalk towards her. She moves one step back for every step I take toward her. "So you think that's funny, to make me believe that I've hurt your feelings and made you cry? Huh?" I ask, not expecting an answer.

"Um, actually, yes." She straightens her back and lifts her head up proudly. "It was quite funny to see you flounder. You're cute when you don't know what to say." Her facial expression is so clear. She was only trying to rile me up, and I'm going to let her. Her teasing, even at my expense, turns me on so much, and boy, do I love teasing her back.

"I'm glad I amuse you." I've backed her up against the wall that leads into a hallway, where I assume the bedrooms must be. "I must tell you, I'm a little disappointed. You only think I'm cute?" I say with a pout.

She tilts her head to the side, reaching out and tracing my jaw with her index finger. "No way. You _are_ cute, but you are also very, very sexy. Your skin is beautiful, your eyes are vivid and mesmerizing, and the feel of your body next to mine lights me on fire. So no, I don't think you're only _cute_."

Our breaths are becoming ragged, and her eyes are smoldering. I take the each of her wrists into my hands and hold her arms up above her head. I secure them both with my left hand, so that my right can…roam. She's writhing beneath me and half-heartedly tries to break free of my grip. I haven't kissed her. I haven't touched any part of her body except for her bound wrists. I press my body into hers just to feel the heat.

She whispers into my ear, "Please. Please fuck me."

Her warm breath and her dirty words send bolts of electricity down my spine and directly between my legs. I feel as if I'll explode from a single touch. I let her know that I've heard her and that I have absolutely no problem with her request by kissing her soft, plump lips. Our tongues mingle and caress, and my free hand finds its way between her legs; I can feel the wetness and the heat seeping through her pants. She moans at the contact, and I break the kiss. Whispering against her forehead, I say, "Since you said please…"

She nods her head in agreement and leans forward, trying to make contact with my lips. I don't deny her and press myself further into her, my fingers drawing imaginary circles around her clit. She's whimpering and jutting her hips into my own, looking for more friction. I could tease her all night, but I don't want to wait that long to feel her either. "Do you want me to fuck you against this wall? Or do you want to show me where your bedroom is?"

"Right here. Fuck me right here. Please," she begs.

I let go of her wrists and immediately her hands are in my hair, tugging at the strands. Her mouth is on my neck, leaving a trail of wet kisses that make me shiver. I press my fingers against her, harder this time.

"Uhhh," she moans, and her hands make quick work of the snap on her pants. She quickly pushes them off her hips, leaving them pooled around her bare feet. We kiss and nip and lick and suck. My hands are all over her. I slide one hand beneath her panties and grab her bare ass, pulling her towards me, as close as I can get her.

"All of it, take it all off," I say against her mouth. Easily, she complies, bending slightly, but never breaking contact, to push her panties down her legs and kick everything off completely. I stand back, taking in the sight before me. _Beautiful_. This fucking sexy woman, standing only in a tight gray t-shirt, her hair disheveled, chest heaving, with a bare pussy and legs spread wide, is the prettiest thing I've ever seen.

"I want to feel you," she says. She takes my shirt off and throws it to the floor. I caress her nipples through her shirt, and she moans loudly, throwing her head back and hitting it gently against the wall. She wraps her arms around me, and the feeling of her hands on my bare back is divine. I can't hold off any longer, my hand quickly makes its way back between her legs, and I simply feel her. She's wet and hot.

"Oh, god, that feels so good. I love feeling your hands on me," she says.

I slide my hand further along and find her center, teasing her with the tip of one finger. "What about this? Do you love how this feels?"

"Ungh, yes!" she cries out.

I slide one finger in, just a little further. "And this? Do you still love it?"

"Uh huh. Alice, please…"

I slowly pump one finger in and out of her, gradually adding another until there are three of my fingers inside her. Her hands are flat against the wall, trying to steady her.

"Is this what you want, baby?"

"Yes, I want it. Oh, oh, please, harder. Fuck me harder," she begs again.

I obey and pound into her repeatedly. She yells out when I curl my fingers upward and massage her g-spot each time I move back and forth inside her. Her breaths are loud and raspy. Her body is rigid and her muscles are tightening around my fingers. She's so close, and now I'll send her over the edge. A few more quick thrusts, and I drop to my knees, pulling her leg over my shoulder, and bury my face in her pussy.

"Oh shit!" she cries, and slaps her hand against the wall.

I flick the engorged flesh of her clit with my tongue over and over. She pushes her hips in my direction and puts her hands in my hair, guiding my tongue back and forth over the sensitive skin.

"I'm gonna come. So hard," she murmurs the words between breaths. I feel her leg tighten around my back and her hands pull even harder on my hair. Her whole body tenses, and then she screams, "Mother fuck!" Her orgasm peaks and shakes her entire form. She leans back against the wall and goes limp above me. Removing her leg from around my shoulder, I stand up. I wrap my arm around her waist to help support her. She has the most serene smile on her face; it takes everything I have not to laugh at how silly and blissed out she looks.

"Come on," I tell her. "Let's go lie down. You look like you're going to pass out," I say, and laugh quietly.

"No, no, I'm not ready to pass out yet. I'm just really, really happy." She sounds drunk.

"Okay, I understand sweetheart, but you're walking around on jelly-legs here, and I want to get you to bed, so you can lie down. Alright?"

"You're coming with me, right?" she asks, leaning on me as we walk down the hall to her room.

"Unless you kick me out."

"Never," she says, and wraps an arm around my waist.

Once I've got her lying in bed, under the softest blankets I've ever encountered, I shed the rest of my clothing and crawl in beside her. She watches my every move, and when I'm finally next to her, she wraps her arms around me and holds me tight. We're both completely naked now and pressed up against each other, face-to-face. The room is quiet, dark, and still. The only sounds are the rustling of sheets as we move in time with one another, her hands exploring me, my hands exploring her. I pull her closer to me, and it's still not enough. Our breasts are firm against one another; our lips and tongues refuse to be separated. I run my hand along her torso, down to her ass, and pull her hips toward mine. I cup the back of her knee and hitch it over my thigh. She gasps at the movement. My heart is fluttering in my chest like a hummingbird, and it's not lost on me that I feel this way each time I'm with her like this.

Her hand slips between our bodies until she's reached the apex of my thighs. I finally break the kiss to catch my breath and see that she's silently asking me to open myself up for her. I lick my swollen, chaffed lips and nod slightly. She moves her knee between my legs to create a barrier, and before another moment passes, her fingers are inside me. My back arches, and I cannot contain the groan that bubbles up in my chest.

"Oh god," I whisper with my eyes closed, reveling in the feeling of her warm fingers inside me.

"Baby, I love how you feel. I love watching you, knowing I'm doing this to you," she says.

The idea that she's watching me, writhing next to her, moaning in pleasure, turns me on even more.

"I'm so close. Please don't stop."

"You know I won't. I just want it to be _my_ fingers and _my_ lips that make you moan," she says.

_Oh, Jesus fuck._

I realize in that moment that I need to touch her, that I want the same for her. As she pumps her fingers inside me at a slow and steady pace, I snake my arm between us and mimic her position. She nuzzles my neck and leaves a trail of wet kisses down to my collarbone. As I slide my hand towards her center, she whimpers and pushes herself towards me. Without a word, I slip two fingers inside her. She moans loudly, deep from her belly. She's soaked, hot, slick, and ready. It won't be long until she's coming again around my fingers.

Our bodies are joined in the only way that we can be. We writhe together, pant, moan and beg for more. Together. My heart clenches when I realize I'm not fucking her. This is love. We are making love. The idea is staggering. I've had my head bowed and buried in the crook of her neck, but now I need to kiss her - to feel her lips on mine. I want to taste her on my tongue as we come together. I bring my mouth to hers, and she devours me. We cannot get enough of one another.

Bella's fingers take on a more rapid pace as I feel her walls tighten around my own fingers. She's on the verge, and I'm following her. I speed up my ministrations and we're both cursing and moaning, pushing our bodies so far that we've reached the top of the bed and can't move any farther. I flick her clit with my thumb and she cries out. She bends her head down to my shoulder, and kisses me, but her orgasm begins to crest and she bites down. The mixture of pleasure and pain causes my own climax, and we reach the pinnacle simultaneously, crying out in ecstasy.

With a heaving chest, I remove my fingers from inside of her and she does the same. I don't care that I have her cum all over my hand; I just want to hold her, so, I do. I squeeze her body as close to mine as possible, and she takes a deep breath.

"God, Alice. That was…just…amazing," she says as she lays her head on my chest.

"I agree," I respond. "Amazing." I want to tell her that I've never made love before, but something keeps me from saying so. Instead, I run my fingers through her hair and enjoy the blissful moment.

"Can we still finish our game?" _I can't believe she remembered that._

"I suppose, but are you sure you're up for answering questions? You kind of sound like a zombie."

She playfully smacks my chest and says, "I do not. I'm just sleepy. You should not tell girls that they sound like scary science fiction creatures that eat brains unless you plan on never getting laid again."

"Wow. Alright. Maybe you're also delirious."

"Maybe. It's hard to say right now, and stop stalling. Whose turn was it? Mine or yours?"

"Um, I don't remember, honestly. How about I ask you a question?"

"Okay," she says, and yawns. "Let's hear it."

I yawn as well. "Don't do that. Now I'm yawning."

She snuggles further into me and laughs. "Sorry. It's contagious."

"Let's go for one question each. You're going to pass out on me soon." I take advantage of her proximity and rub my hand along her bare back. "What's your favorite movie?"

"Oh, that's so easy. Definitely _Paris, Je T'aime."_

"Shut up!"

"What? Why?" she says, bewildered.

"You do not love _Paris, Je T'aime_."

"Yes, I do!" she says defiantly, and sits up, propping herself on her elbows. "It's one of my all time favorite movies. If you classify it as a movie and not a compilation of short films." She's very serious right now. How adorable.

"I'm completely blown away. You love craft beers, you're sexy as hell, you give me amazing orgasms, _and_ you love my favorite movie. You're not real."

She laughs and kisses my lips. "I assure you, I'm very real. You'll find over time that I'm extremely awesome. It's a little overwhelming at first, but you'll get used to it."

"It'll be tough, but I think I can manage," I say, pulling her back down to lie on my chest. "Your turn."

"I can't think…"

"At all?"

"Pretty much."

"Not even one little thing?"

"Um, I guess I do have one question. You want to stay, right?"

"I'm sorry, can you repeat that? And not into my boobs."

"Ha ha. Very funny. I _said, _you're going to stay the night, right? You're not going to fuck me, then leave me?" I can sense that she's covering up her vulnerability with humor, but I really don't want her to think I only fucked her.

I pull her chin up with my finger, so that I can look into her eyes, even though I can't see shit in here. "Listen to me. I'm not leaving. I didn't fuck you. What we just did was more than that, and you know it. Of course I'll stay. Okay?"

She says, simply, "Okay."

I place a soft kiss on the top of her head. "Sleep now?" I ask.

"God, yes," she says with exasperation

I laugh at her dramatics. "Alright, then. Sweet dreams."

"Sweet dreams."

It takes only a few moments before her breathing evens out and she's drifted off. I, on the other hand, am not so lucky. My mind races with the possibilities of falling in love for the first time. I knew I was never in love with Tanya, even though I wanted it to be that way. She wasn't the one. But Bella, she could definitely be the one.

I lie there for over an hour at least, until I can no longer take the dark silence of the room and the swimming thoughts in my brain. Gently, I push Bella off of me and onto her back. I search around the room, grabbing my boxers and t-shirt. I slowly open up her bedroom door and creep down the hallway, trying my best not to wake Jasper, who might be home now. I find my way into the kitchen and step into the completely pitch black unfamiliar room. _Great, I'm definitely going to break something._ I tiptoe across the hardwood floors, because that seems stealthier, and over to the sliver of light coming from the refrigerator. _I'll just peek in, grab a drink, and head back to the bedroom. _I open the refrigerator door, and as if I'd tripped a silent alarm, the kitchen lights flicker on. I gasp and turn around to find Jasper leaning in the entryway with a smug smile on his face.

"Well, hello there, Miss Alice," he says, and nods his head.

"Oh my God! You fucking scared the shit out of me!" I yell back at him.

He chuckles and puts his hands up in defense. "I'm sorry, darlin'. I didn't mean to scare you. Just figured it'd be easier for you to find what you were looking for with the lights on."

"Well, yes. You're probably right, but I almost had a heart attack," I say as I clutch my chest, feeling my racing heart beneath.

"Did you find it? What you were searching for?"

"Oh. No, I was, uh, just looking for something to drink. Water or whatever."

"Let me get it for you," he says as he crosses the room. I suddenly realize I'm not wearing pants. I'm not at all embarrassed, so I just ignore it. I'm sure he's seen a girl's legs before.

He grabs a bottle of water from the refrigerator and motions for me to sit down at a little bistro-style table, pulling out a chair. "Please, sit."

I smile and sit down. He turns his chair around and straddles it.

"This is a really beautiful kitchen," I say lamely. _Great, Alice. I'm sure he wants to discuss countertops and cabinetry._

"Thanks, though I can't take any credit. That was all Bella. She's really good at all that stuff," he says with a genuine smile.

"Yeah, she said that she decorated most of the place. I love it, honestly. It's so homey."

"Well, I think that was the idea, so she'll be happy to hear that."

"Yep," I say, and nod my head. I've got nothing. It's late, I just had sex with his sister, and I'm at a loss for conversation topics.

"So, Alice, can I ask you a personal question?"

My heart pounds in my chest and the anxiety bubbles in my stomach. "Yes, okay," I say nervously. I swallow, and it's difficult.

"Are you and Edward the same Cullens whose parents died in that school shooting in Lake Geneva a few years ago?"

_Fuck._

**A/N: **

**Uh oh! Jasper's been Googling, hasn't he? We'll seeeeee. Duh Duh Duh!**

**Why do I feel like I'm accepting an Oscar at the end of each chapter? Good thing I have a speech prepared. Let me just pull it out of my suit pocket here...**

**Ahem... ENORMO-HUGE-GIGANTIC HUGS (and thanks) to:**

**vixnixx, messybar, kaylathecullen, boniver115 and jointgifts**

**I lurve you long time.**

**XOXO forever**

**See you guys next time! Maybe I'll bring cookies if you press that button down there. ;-)**

**P.S.**

**Go to agirlreckoning(dot)blogspot(dot)com for fun times (and smexy pics)!**


	5. Chapter 5 Subconscious

**S. Meyer owns it. I just gayed them up.**

**Just a little warning: It gets heavy, but not too heavy, at least I don't think so. **

**See you down below. (TWSS) ;-)**

_on one hand i'm walking_

_the way that i do_

_lookin like i'm lost in thought_

_but i'm looking for you_

_it's so subconscious_

_the way that i feel_

_too bad my subconscious life_

_is the more real_

_and i ain't in the best shape_ _that i've ever been in_

_but i know where i'm going_ _and it ain't where i've been_

_i know where i'm going_ _and it ain't where i've been_

-**Subconscious, Ani DiFranco**

**~Alice~**

_Fuck._

"Alice, are you okay, darlin'?" He looks at me like I have two heads.

I'm either going to pass out or puke. What the hell am I supposed to do? Should I lie? No, I can't lie. He knows. But how much does he know? Can I just change the subject? No, he'll see right through that. _Shit_.

"Hey, are you on another planet over there?" he asks, and chuckles nervously.

"I'm…I'm sorry. You caught me off guard. I mean, you scared me when you came in." My smile is forced, and my stomach just did a flip flop. "Could I get a glass of water, please?" I'm totally stalling, and my mouth is as dry as a desert.

Jasper's brown eyes search mine and he nods. "Sure thing, short stuff."

He needs to stop being so god damned sweet.

I have no idea what I'm going to say to him. My silence is as good as an admission, and telling him the truth could be throwing away any chance I might have with Bella. Looks like I've got a lot of great options here. I knew this would happen. I fucking knew it. I was blinded by lust, or love, or whatever the fuck. This is why I never do this kind of thing.

_Alice, stop being such a pussy._ _You know that you can't walk away from her, as if it's just a fling._

The mere suggestion of leaving this all behind me incites a hollow pain in my chest. I have to own up to what I did, I have to be honest and try to salvage the little progress I've made. I try to imagine what it would feel like if she told me to get out of her house and never call her again, and it's mildly crippling.

"Alright, now. I think maybe we should call your brother."

Immediately the scenario playing in my head dissolves, and I realize that he's been sitting next to me, watching me. There's a full glass of water sitting directly in front of me. _Oh. That was fast._

"What? Why do you want to call my brother?" _Please do not call my brother._

"Because you're scaring the shit out of me. I've asked you four times if you're okay. And you haven't answered me yet."

"I'm sorry, Jasper." I look down at my hands clasped together on the table, and see that they're trembling slightly. This is not how I wanted this night to go. "The answer is - no, I'm not okay."

In a bold movement, he leans closer to me and puts his hands over mine. "Listen, I'm sorry I asked about your family. Okay? You don't have to tell me anything." His voice is soft and gentle. It puts me at ease. I take a deep breath.

"I think you know by now that it _was_ my parents who died. I'm not exactly doing a stellar job of leading you to believe otherwise."

A small laugh escapes and the corner of his mouth turns up slightly, "No, hun. You sure aren't."

I swallow and look into his eyes. "How did you find out?"

"Google," he says simply.

"Fucking Google."

"To be honest, we also heard about it when it happened. My dad being a police chief and all, he went a little crazy on Bella and me afterward. Telling us about how we live in a different world than he did, and how to be safe in school by not antagonizing other kids. Normal policeman mumbo jumbo," he says, and winks.

"I can't imagine you ever doing something like that, Jasper. That's not even possible."

He sighs deeply and continues. "No, I wouldn't ever do anything like that. Neither would Bella. Charlie didn't really understand the high school dynamic, know what I mean? No one ever blatantly messed with either of us, mostly because we were a cop's kids. However, we weren't winning popularity contests either."

"Charlie?"

"My step-dad, er, my dad. Bella's dad."

"Oh, right. Edward kinda told me about that."

"I figured. Brother-sister thing. Can't keep any secrets," he says with a grin.

If I was wondering if I could ask him to keep this conversation to himself, I guess I know my answer.

"Right," I say, and shake my head at my naivety. _Cop's kids. Duh, Alice._

"I won't keep anything from Bella, especially if it's something that might hurt her. That doesn't mean you can't talk to me, Alice. You can tell me whatever it is that's bothering you right now."

"Cutting to the chase must be a genetic trait in your family."

"You aren't lying, little lady," he says with sly smirk. "So?"

How else can I possibly delay this? Why do I feel like I don't really want to anymore? I sense within myself a nagging feeling to just get it out. Maybe if his reaction isn't to immediately hate me for what I've done, I might be able to tell Bella.

_What if he thinks you're a horrible person, though? Then what? Doesn't matter. It's what I deserve anyway._

I look into his eyes, and it's easy to see his compassion. Considering he already knows part of the story, and he's still being nice to me, maybe this won't go as badly as I had imagined.

I fiddle with the bottom edge of the water glass, staring at the pattern of never ending circles of wood on the table. I push the words from my lips. "Edward and I moved here to get away from what happened. I couldn't go to school anymore, anyway. Everyone - neighbors, friends, even strangers would stop and stare at us, wherever we went. They always had that look on their faces. Edward, they felt sorry for. He lost his parents, and it was his only sister's fault. He was totally alone. Me, they looked at with judgment, and with speculation. It was unbearable. The few friends I had left eventually shunned me. Maybe it was too hard for them to see me, because it was a reminder of what had happened. I can't help but think it was because they blamed me." I look up at him to see what might be going on in his head.

He looks sad - for me. I have to make sure he understands. No one should feel sad for me.

"Why do you blame yourself for this? You couldn't have known that boy was coming to your school, that he was going to start shootin' the place up. Was it you that pissed him off so much? I have a hard time understanding the connection."

I laugh humorlessly. "Jasper, you don't know the half of it. I was an absolute nightmare of a teenager. I smoked, I drank, I did drugs. I slept around. My grades were terrible. Edward was their golden boy; I was their black sheep. In my senior year, I met a girl - Tanya. When I saw her that first day, walking into my Biology class, it took my breath away. I'd always been attracted to women, but I'd never acted on it. I was always afraid of what people would think, and I was afraid of admitting to myself that maybe I was gay. She changed all that."

The memories of seeing Tanya walking in with her head held high, looking very much like a woman and not at all like an eighteen-year old girl, flood my mind. God, she was so beautiful - long, curly strawberry-blonde curls, perfect curves, and legs that went on for miles; she was utterly female.

Without his prompting, I continue. "Immediately I started thinking of ways to talk to her, how could I insinuate myself into her life, how could I get her to notice me. I didn't have to try very hard because she approached me that first day. I was in the parking lot with a few friends, having a cigarette after school let out. She waltzed up to me, and took the cigarette right out of my hand. I was shocked, of course. She smiled and winked at me and then leaned against the car right next to me."

"_So, who wants to fill me in on the gossip? And where can I get some weed around here? Please don't tell me this town is dry," she says as she leans into my side, taking a long drag off my cigarette. The feeling of Tanya brushing up against me caused my head to spin. _

"_Um, no. It's not dry. I can hook you up," I say nervously without looking at her. She turns to her side so that she's facing me. _

"_And what might your name be?"_

"_I'm Alice. Alice Cullen." I chance a look at her and see her grinning wickedly, scanning me from top to bottom. I'd never been checked out by a girl, at least not that I know of._

"_Well, okay then, Alice Cullen. Give me a ride home and we can talk about it," she says, and runs a single finger down the length of my arm. Alarm bells start ringing in my head, and I don't dare look around at my friends. I know they're wondering what the fuck is up with this girl, and why I'm letting her flirt with me. The Alice Cullen they know fucks boys. Their minds are currently being blown. _

"_Alright, hop in." I nod towards the door of my car, and she doesn't hesitate. She gives a cute little wave to the people still standing around gaping at us, walks around to the passenger side and gets in._

"_Um, see you later guys," I say quietly, and widen my eyes letting them know I think this is crazy too. I hear them snickering to each other, some giving me the stink eye, and I ignore it. There's no way in hell I'm going to ruin this chance by trying to save face in front of them. I'll dodge their questions later. _

_I hop in my car and start it up. I jump when the radio comes on, blaring. It's still loud from my attempt this morning to wake myself up by singing along to "Wind It Up" by Gwen Stefani. I fumble with the controls, trying to turn it off or at least down to a level that not only dogs can hear. "Sorry about that," I say, and laugh nervously. I can't seem to gather the courage to look over at her. However, I know she's looking at me, I can feel her stare burning a hole right through me. I put both hands on the wheel and drive like my grandma because I'm extremely nervous, and I don't know what else to do with my hands._

_I drive us out of the parking lot and onto the main road. Lake Geneva is a pretty small town, big on the tourists in fall and summer. Since it's March, it's very much like a ghost town. We hit the first stoplight, and I glance in her direction. She hasn't said a word since we've gotten in the car, and I'm wondering why that is. She was so forward and outspoken in the parking lot. When I catch her eye it's because she's turned her body sideways in the car, leaning her back against the door. She's watching me. Immediately I become defensive. Does she think I'm a freak or something? _

"_What?" I say._

"_Nothing," she replies causally, as if it's perfectly normal to stare at someone you've just met. _

"_Why are you staring at me then?" I say as I glance between her and the road._

"_Just trying to figure you out, Alice Cullen," she says with a smirk._

"_Figure me out, huh? I'm pretty simple. I don't think there's much you're going to find out."_

"_For some reason, I doubt that," she says confidently, then pauses. "Why did you agree to give me a ride?"_

"_Um." I swallow my nervousness and decide to tell her the truth. "I was attracted to you. I wanted to talk to you," I say quietly._

"_I know. I could see it all over your face. Have you ever been with a girl before, Alice?"_

_I literally gulp. "I've kissed a girl before. Is that what you mean?"_

_She laughs at me. "No, that's not what I mean, and you know it. Where are we going, by the way?"_

"_Oh, I thought you wanted some weed. I thought we could get some, maybe go hang out in the park, before I take you home." Honestly, I had no idea where I was driving. I completely lied to her face. Is this what happens when you want to have sex with someone? You turn into a lying, reckless, irresponsible twit?_

"_I like the way you think. This park, will it be busy?"_

"_Uh, no. Probably not. It's old and shitty. People don't really go there for anything other than doing drugs and…" I stop, realizing what I was going to say next. _

"_And what else, Alice?"_

"_Fucking."_

"_Well, step on that pedal then," she says, and turns around in her seat, buckling her seat belt. _

I realize I've been rambling for over an hour, and I haven't even really told Jasper anything of importance. I look up at him warily, and apologize. "I haven't told anyone this stuff before. Except for Edward, but I kinda left out the details, if you know what I mean."

"Understood. I wouldn't want to share 'details' with Bella. I know she'd be completely grossed out anyway." He chuckles and winks at me. Could he be any cuter?

I laugh lightly, and agree with him. "Yeah, I can see that you and Bella are close, but you have to draw the line somewhere, right?"

"Indeed."

I nod, unsure if he wants to know more. There's an awkward silence, and I pray that he fills it.

"So, you fell in pretty deep with Tanya?"

"That would be an understatement. She was my first sexual experience with a girl. I fell in love with her. Or at least what I thought was love. I was obsessed with her. I hung on her every word. I couldn't find a single fault. Of course, _now_ I know that was impossible, and I was blinded by lust. I was in denial for sure, but she could do no wrong in my eyes."

"It happens to all of us, at some point or another. We can't always see that people are bad for us…" he says and trails off, waiting for me to continue.

"Yeah, she was very bad for me, Jasper. I started getting into trouble at school for being late; I was always waiting for her. I transformed into her little bitch, on more than one level. The trouble I got into at school wasn't anything major at first, just detention and a slap on the wrist. Then, I was caught letting her cheat from my homework. I was suspended for that. Of course, that got the attention of my parents, who otherwise ignored my little infractions. They were really pissed off. I'd never gotten into that much trouble before."

Vivid pictures of one night in particular, flash through my mind.

_Tanya and I were both put on suspension, but I couldn't be away from her. I would sneak out at night and walk to her house. If I drove, my parents would hear my car. It was over a mile away, and she would never come to me. I had no choice, and I needed to be near her._

_I pull the spare key out from under the fake rock in her front yard, then sneak around to the patio in the back, and let myself in. Her parent's room is on the second floor, and they can't hear shit down here once their door is closed. We tested it out to make sure. I slip my shoes off and leave them in the mud room. Quickly and stealthily, I make my way down the carpeted hallway to Tanya's door. Slowly I turn the knob and open the door, inch by inch, so as not to make a single sound. Her room is dark except for a sliver of light coming through the edge of the curtains. I push the door shut behind me and try to adjust my eyes. I see her lying on her back, eyes closed, with headphones still on. She must have fallen asleep listening to music. _

_I take off my shirt and jeans and am now completely bare for her. I walk over and climb onto the bed, straddling her thighs. She starts to stir underneath me and slowly opens her eyes. A smirk makes its way across her face, and she pulls the head phones off. _

"_Hi," she says simply._

"_Hi." _

_Immediately, her hands find my breasts and start to knead and tug them, gently at first. I lean down and capture her mouth with my own. She shoves her tongue between my lips, and I moan. She reaches her hand around and slaps my ass slightly in warning. I have to be quiet._

"_Sorry," I whisper against her mouth. _

_In a flash her clothes are off – we are skin against hot skin. We grind and writhe against each other. She pushes my shoulders away from her and does a spinning motion with her forefinger, indicating that I should turn around. This is new. _

_I crawl in a semi-circle around her body until I'm on all fours and hovering over her sex. She's rubbing her hands up and down the backs of my thighs, and I can feel the wetness seeping down my leg. She pulls my backside down, and buries it in my pussy, licking and sucking furiously. I grind my teeth together in order to keep any sound from escaping. Returning the favor, I use one hand to spread her legs further apart and take a long, slow lick down the length of her. She hums against my clit, and it causes me to groan._

_Within seconds, there was another slap across my ass, harder this time. I manage to keep my yelp from escaping and continue to tease her clit with my tongue. She's always rough with me until I give her what she wants. After a few minutes I feel her start to buck and shake underneath me. She's close. I feel my own impending orgasm, but I ignore it and continue, inserting two fingers inside her, slamming my fist against her. Her breaths become ragged and she stops what she's doing to me and lets out a low moan, coming hard onto my hand. Once she's come down, I expect that she'll make me come, but she doesn't. She pushes lightly on the back of my legs, telling me to move, and I comply._

"_Come here," she says, and opens her arms up to me._

_I crawl back up to her and lay my head on her chest. She pushes the sweaty hair away from my forehead and thanks me, sweetly - too sweetly._

_ "That was amazing, baby. Thank you. Listen, I have to get up early tomorrow, so I think you should go."_

_ "Really? I thought I would stay for a little while, it's a long walk..." I stop when I see the bored look on her face and give up before her annoyance becomes apparent. She gets really pissed off when I whine._

I can't share this with Jasper because, well, that would be gross, and it's not something I'm exactly proud of.

"Whenever I think about the way I acted, how I let her use me, it pisses me off so much. I was such an idiot." I shake my head at my own stupidity.

"Darlin', you're really beating yourself up about normal teenage stuff here. I don't think you did anything any other teenager hasn't done before."

"You're right, the cheating and skipping classes – it was petty. Kids do that shit all the time. I'll be the first to admit that I got in to trouble to get the attention of my parents, and maybe to seem cool to other kids. What I did with Tanya, that's not normal stuff, Jasper. I was way too naive to have been involved with someone like her."

The memories of high school, when I was at my worst, come flooding back, without regard for the massive walls I've created. They crumble, as if made of sand.

**~Bella~**

When I open my eyes in the pitch black of my bedroom, and reach over to find Alice, I'm surprised to feel nothing but empty space. Her getting out of bed must have jostled me awake. Unsure of where she might be, I decide to check the bathroom down the hall; maybe she didn't realize I had one in my bedroom. I don't even have to open the door; I can see that the light was off. That's when I hear voices coming from the kitchen. Realizing I'm only wearing a t-shirt I go back to my room and throw on a robe. As I walk down the hallway I'm able to hear their conversation clearly. She's talking to Jasper, who is probably just getting home from his night out with Edward. I stop at the edge of the hallway, looking into the kitchen, and listen.

"So, are you and Edward the same Cullens whose parents died in that school shooting in Lake Geneva a few years ago?" Jasper asks her.

_What? Why is he asking her this? _

Suddenly, it dawns on me why their last name sounded so familiar. That's right - the school shooting. _Oh my God_. It was them; it was their parents who were murdered. _Oh no, Alice._ My heart constricts inside my chest at the thought of her suffering, and for Edward. What a nightmare.

For the few minutes I've been standing here in the shadows, listening to them talk, Alice hasn't really said much. She's confirmed his suspicion that it was her parents, but otherwise she's been sitting there staring at the table in silence. I want so badly to go to her and hold her, but then Jasper offers to call Edward. I think maybe that's a good idea. He's kind of pushed her into a corner; he's so nosy. Maybe she doesn't want to share this with us yet. I should stay where I am. I should wait.

She finally snaps out of it and answers him. I feel creepy and stalkerish listening in on their conversation, but there is no way I can walk away now. Anyway, I don't want her to have to tell this story over again. That would be so painful for her. At least that's how I'm justifying it to myself.

Her remark about how blunt and to the point Jasper and I are makes me laugh to myself. It's so true. We get that from Renee, I guess.

Listening to her recount the reasons why she and Edward had to leave their home makes me incredibly sad, and I wrap my arms around myself and lean against the wall. I want to make all these bad things go away. I want to tell her that I'll take care of her, that I can love her, no matter what her past reveals. Alice makes me feel so alive, and so carefree. I want to be there for her in any way that I can. For the past few days, I've thought of nothing but her. I don't know exactly how she feels about me yet, but I hope she feels the connection we have. It's there, and it's electric. I'm already addicted to her.

I notice, too, that her tone is marked with regret, and it makes me wonder why she blames herself for their deaths. That doesn't seem logical. At the same time, Jasper asks this question.

Her answer isn't exactly what I expected. I find it hard to believe that Alice would be a trouble maker, but I supposed we've all had our moments, especially as kids. It sounds like she was so enamored by this Tanya person, too. I feel unnecessarily jealous of this mystery woman, but I can't help myself. I want Alice all to myself. I hope that she's not still seeing her. _I guess you should ask these questions before sleeping with people, Bella._ I roll my eyes at myself. I've already become so clingy.

She begins to recount their first meeting and the months that followed.

"Tanya was mean. I didn't see it at first. I thought she was confident. I thought she didn't take shit from anyone. I looked up to her; I wanted to be like her. She took one look at a person, sized them up, and decided right then and there if they were worthy or worthless. Since she'd picked me as her partner, for lack of a better word, I assumed it was because she loved me and desired me. In reality, she kept me around because I was good at her dirty work. I didn't figure that out until later, of course. When it was _too_ late."

She stops talking abruptly and bows her head. I make a move to go to her, and Jasper catches the movement, looking in my direction. Minutely, he shakes his head, telling me to stay put for now. She wipes away a tear, and Jasper rubs her back. _That's my job._ I don't know what's worse: her rejecting me if I try to comfort her or not trying at all. So, I stay put. I wait.

With her voice barely above a whisper, she continues. "There was a boy, James. He was a mess socially. He said weird things, he didn't wear cool clothes – he was a nerd. Everyone tolerated him, for the most part. He kept to himself, except sometimes he would gather up his courage and talk to me. I knew he had a crush on me, but I ignored it. He was harmless, really. I'd never be nasty to anyone, intentionally, for no good reason. I tried to keep him at bay, but he was persistent. When Tanya figured this out, she became relentless in her teasing." Alice pauses and shakes her head back and forth, as if willing the memories to cease to exist.

"She did such terrible things. She spread rumors about his family, telling other people how poor and trashy they were. She ridiculed him for liking me the way he did. If he was walking down the hallway she would grab hold of me and kiss me. You could see the hurt in his eyes. Sometimes it was as simple as talking one of the older guys into tripping him in the hallways, or locking him in the bathroom stall. She made his high school experience hell. I can't sit here and pretend that I didn't take part in any of this. I was Tanya's bitch. I did whatever she told me to do. She never asked me to do anything to him, specifically, but not doing anything to stop it, was just as terrible." She stops and takes a drink of water. Jasper watches her and gives her a small smile.

"You were kids, Alice. It's written all over your face that you feel regretful. That's what matters, honey."

"I'm not done," she says harshly.

My eyes widen, and I feel panic flit through my veins, wondering what she's going to say next. I decide that Edward should be here, whatever it is that she has to say, it's not going to be good. I can feel it. What will happen if she breaks down? What if I'm not able to comfort her? Quickly and quietly I make my way back to my bedroom, grab my phone and send him a simple text message.

**Alice is OK right now, but please come over ASAP. -Bella**

Without garnering the attention of either Jasper or Alice, I reclaim my post against the wall in the darkened hallway. My legs are getting tired from standing, so I find a comfortable sitting position; thankfully no one is watching while I move rather ungracefully to the floor. Upon my return, Alice is in the middle of explaining something about a letter she received from James.

"The letter said: 'I don't know why I love you, but I do. I wish I could change the way I feel, but I can't. Your pretty green eyes captured my heart and your beautiful smile captured my soul. I dream of you often, and I think of you always. I know you hate me, and I know you love that vile excuse of a woman. Just know that I can no longer be held responsible for my actions.'"

As she recites it from memory, Jasper's normally serene expression cannot mask the shock he's feeling. "Did you tell anyone about this letter?"

"Of course not. I didn't think he was serious. I didn't want anyone to know that he loved me. That would have been humiliating." She says the last word so quietly; I could barely understand what she said.

I can't imagine what it must feel like to harbor all that guilt. As a grown woman, she knows what happened in the past was so wrong, and so painful for that boy. I don't doubt that I'd be holding onto those feelings as well, if it were me. My heart aches for her.

I'm not prepared for what she says next.

"The following day, he came to school with a shot gun. He was looking for Tanya. He was looking for me. He wanted to kill us both. If he couldn't have me - no one would."

I gasp at the mention of her being killed; they both turn around, looking in my direction. My hand covers my mouth quickly, as if that would keep her from seeing me.

"Bella?" she asks, confused. Her tear-stained face and sad eyes are my undoing.

"I'm sorry, Alice. I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I just couldn't…I didn't want…I'm sorry."

I pull myself up off the floor and tentatively walk towards her; she gets up from her chair and quickly throws herself into my arms. I hold her tight against my chest. Quiet sobs overtake her, and I hold her tighter. I shush her and sweep the hair out of her eyes.

"Baby, it's okay. Shh. It's okay. I've got you."

As if she's only just now realizing what's happening, her crying ceases, and she abruptly pulls away from me.

"Alice, what are you…"

She cuts me off. "No. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I can't believe I'm here, doing this. I have to go now." Her voice is stronger, and she won't look me in the eye.

"Alice, wait!" I plead.

"No, I have to go. This isn't right. I shouldn't have come."

"You're wrong. You belong here with me. Don't go, please."

Jasper stands at the foot of the table, helpless. I feel the same way, but I can't let her leave. Not like this.

She's making her way to the foyer, looking for her coat. I walk briskly in her wake, sneaking around her just as she's grabbing her coat from the rack. I block the door.

"You're not leaving. You're not even wearing pants!"

She looks down at her bare legs. This seems to have made an impact.

"Shit."

"Please don't leave." She still won't look at my face.

"Bella, please. I've already caused enough drama for one night. It's better if I go," she says to the floor.

Tentatively, I step away from the door and move my hand towards her arm. When I've made contact, and she doesn't jerk her arm away, I pull her closer to me. I wrap my arms around her waist and whisper into her ear.

"Please don't go. I'm begging you. I need you. I can't fall asleep unless I can feel you next to me."

I feel her rigid form begin to melt into mine, and she nuzzles her face into my shoulder. She says something, but it's muffled by the fabric of my t-shirt. I ask her to repeat it.

Finally, she looks at me. Her eyes are bloodshot and her face is pale.

"I said 'you had me at no pants.'"

I laugh awkwardly. "Well, I honestly thought you were going to run out of here and blind the poor innocent citizens of Chicago with your albino legs."

She makes a pouty face and whispers, "Shut up. I don't wear shorts. Ever."

"If you promise to stay, and promise that you'll tell me everything when you're ready, I promise to not ridicule your whiteness."

I see the beginnings of a small smile forming, and I finally feel like I can breathe.

"Come on, let's go lie down."

"What about Jasper?"

"What about him?"

"Shouldn't I apologize?"

"For what?"

"For putting on a freak show."

"He lives with me. He's seen psychotic female behavior before."

"Hey!"

"I'm kidding. Really, he doesn't know what to do with crying girls. So I'll fill him in on the details later, okay?"

"Okay," she complies easily.

We hold hands, and I lead her back to my bedroom. Jasper has apparently seen his escape route and taken it. I remember that I texted Edward, and grab my phone once we're inside my room.

"I'm sorry, but I texted Edward," I say with an apologetic smile. She plops herself onto the edge of the bed and nods her head, still looking down at the floor. Her body language is filled with defeat.

"Do you want me to tell him to stay home?"

"Yes," is her simple reply.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Can you say something, other than 'yes'?"

Slowly she raises her head, and looks at me. I don't know how much more of this face I can take before I lose it myself.

"I don't want anyone else here but you," she says sincerely.

And my heart melts. And I die a little.

"Okay, baby. It'll just be me and you."

"Thank you," she says, and then moves to lie on her side, facing away from me.

I take a moment to check my messages, and Edward hasn't responded. Maybe he's been asleep. I send him another text telling him to stay home, at Alice's request, and that we'll talk more in the morning. I throw my phone on the nightstand and crawl into bed next to her, bringing the warm blankets over top of us. I pull her against me and squeeze with all my might.

I bury my face in her hair and breathe in deeply. "I know I hate when people ask this question, but what are you thinking right now?" I need to know.

"That I wish we could fall asleep or make love - do anything but talk."

"We don't have to talk. We can do anything you want," I say, and I mean it. I would never pressure her to do this if she wasn't willing.

I sweep my hand across her stomach, reaching underneath her shirt and lay my palm flat against her warm skin. She follows suit and intertwines her fingers with mine.

"You need to know, and I need to tell you. Things could change between us and if it's for the worse, then I want to get it over with. I can't stand the thought of falling any deeper for you and then losing you."

I can't stop the tears from running down my cheeks.

"Alice, you aren't going to lose me. Unless you kicked a puppy or a baby, I don't think what you're going to tell me is going to cause that to happen. Remember, I was eavesdropping on you and Jasper this whole time, and I'm still here, aren't I?"

"Yes. You're still here. That doesn't mean I'm not scared that I'm risking too much by revealing my past to you. I knew better than to have pursued you in the first place. Now that I have, I have to pay the price."

Her tone is resigned, and her words cut me deeply. How can such a beautiful person feel like such a burden, carrying so much guilt and regret? How can she say she should never have pursued me? I pursued her. I wanted her more than I've ever wanted anything in my whole life.

"Tell me then, so that I can prove to you that I'm not going anywhere."

No response. No movement other than her slightly rushed breathing.

"Tell me, Alice."

Her hand lets go of mine, and she twists her body around so that she's facing me. She presses herself into me, and I hold her to my body tightly. Her embrace is strong and desperate. She's holding on.

She buries her face into my chest, and I stroke the back of her head lovingly.

"I told Tanya about James' letter. She laughed in my face. She said that I secretly liked the attention, maybe I even liked boys. She was pissed off because I said maybe we should tell someone. She said 'I know who we should tell' and grabbed the letter from me, running off to the teacher's lounge. I ran after her, yelling for her to give it back. She was in the copy room, and the machine was spitting out page after page of his letter. She gathered them and held them close to her, so I couldn't grab them. I begged her not to. I started to panic because I knew exactly what she was going to do. She was laughing madly as she danced around the hallways sticking a copy of his confession into every single locker slot along the hallway. Some she threw into the air like confetti. I rushed through the hallway trying to pick up as many as I could, but it was no use. There were literally hundreds of them."

I don't know if I should say anything or not, but I decide she'll tell me if she wants me to be quiet. "Tanya was a bitch."

Her hand comes up to my face and she looks at me from under lashes. "I knew you would say that."

"I couldn't help it. I'm sorry. Keep going."

She resumes her position, face buried in my chest, and I find it slightly comical that this is what comforts her. Whatever it takes, I guess.

"When the bell rang, and as people started leaving the classrooms, they saw the papers scattered everywhere. They started picking them up, and after a few minutes, they were all laughing. It was surreal. I felt like the hallway was spinning and twisting its shape as the laughter echoed off the walls. I knew he would find out what happened any minute, and when he did, that it would be what finally pushed him over the edge. I wasn't wrong. I saw him through a group of students who were standing in the middle of the hallway throwing their heads back with laughter. He dropped down into a crouch, grabbing a copy off the floor. He scanned it quickly, while my heart was hammering in my chest. As if he knew exactly where I would be, and as if he could sense my presence, his eyes darted directly to mine. I didn't know what to do, so I mouthed 'I'm sorry, James,' and I turned and ran away.

That evening I told my parents what happened. They were so disappointed in me. I don't think I'd ever seen my mother look so sad. She wanted to reach out to James and his family, but I begged her not to. I didn't want to involve myself any further in his life. I thought it would be better if I stayed away for a while. My father lectured me for hours on the kind of emotional damage that Tanya and I had probably caused him." She stops and takes a deep breath.

I lift her chin up to and kiss her lips softly. "You're okay, I'm here, and I…I won't leave you."

She kisses me back just as softly and lays her head on the pillow below us.

"That night Tanya called me a hundred times. I didn't answer, not even once. In the middle of the night she knocked on my bedroom window, and I wouldn't open it. I told her to go away. She threatened to ring the doorbell and wake up my parents, so I gave in. We got into a huge fight. She said I wasn't loyal, that I didn't love her if I was willing to throw away everything we had over some stupid geeky boy. I finally came clean about everything that I'd been feeling. I told her that I felt used and unloved. I even told her that I was tired of being her sex slave and never getting anything in return. Being a teenager, that was a really embarrassing thing to say to someone, but I needed her to know that I knew what she was doing. It didn't end well. She told me to go to hell and she said no one would ever want me the way she did. She said I'd be alone forever. I believed her too, but I was so upset over what she'd done that I was willing to risk that just to be away from her. I told her as much and that seemed to hurt her, not by much, but it got her out of my house.

"The next morning when I got up for school, I told myself I was going to make this situation right. I would apologize profusely to James, and I would try to make amends. I never got the chance because as soon as I sat down for my first period class I was called in to the principal's office. Immediately, I knew why. When I walked in to the administration office I saw both my parents seated outside Mr. Banner's door. The utter disappointment and shame on their faces floored me. I'd really fucked up this time. What I wanted to know at that moment was where the hell Tanya was. I hadn't seen her in the parking lot before school, and she wasn't here in the office. Surely she would be in trouble, too. Her parents must have been called as well. I remember sitting down next to my mom, and I whispered to her that I was sorry. She nodded her head but didn't speak to me. My father leaned over and said to me: 'Alice, Tanya left. She took off last night. Her father called me this morning, looking for her. She's left you to carry the blame for this.' I felt my stomach drop to my knees. I looked down at my shaking hands and cursed the day I'd met her. I knew I was partially to blame for my actions, but I also knew that she was the impetus. We sat for quietly for a few minutes, neither of my parents speaking to me or to each other."

She stops speaking and takes several deep breaths.

"Alice, are you okay? Honey, are you okay?" I was really starting to worry now. Her voice was shaky and her body was trembling as she spoke the last few words.

Alice looked up at me, and the look in her eyes was distant and dark, as if she was living the past all over again.

"We heard people screaming and yelling and there was a commotion in the outer office. I looked at my parents for answers. They stood up to see what was happening."

"_Dad, what's going on?" I asked, a full blown panic taking over._

"_Esme, grab Alice! Get down!" he suddenly shouted._

_My mother wasted no time, she pulled me by my arm, and we fell to the floor, crawling on our hands and knees toward a low lying table. She pushed it aside and we moved behind it. It didn't hide us well, but it would have to do. Then, I heard my father shouting at someone._

"_Son, listen to me. Don't do this. Please," he begged._

"_Where is she?" a cold calculated voice asked._

_Oh, God. It was James._

"_She's not here. Please, give me the gun," my father pleaded._

"_You're lying. I know she's here. I can smell her."_

"_James, what are you going to do when you find her? Huh? What will happen then?"_

_He laughed darkly. "Well, I'm going to kill her, of course. And her girlfriend. I'm going to kill both of them."_

_I felt the bile rise in my throat, and my mother whimpered, whispering for my father to please just do something. Just do something._

_Without thinking, he looked over toward us, and I'd never forget what I saw. Not in my whole life had I ever seen fear in my father's eyes. _

_At that moment, time seemed to move in slow motion. _

_A shot rang out, and my father stumbled back across the room, his body slamming against the window, making a sickening squeak as his limp body slid to the floor._

_My mother screamed._

_James walked further into the room._

_Instinctively, my mother huddled her body over top of mine._

"_There you are, Alice. I've been looking for you," he said desperately._

"_James, please…" I sobbed._

"_Tell your mommy to move."_

"_James, please. I'm sorry. Please," I begged, barely able to form the words._

"_Tell her. Now."_

"_Mom, it's okay. He won't hurt me."_

"_No!" she screamed._

_Her head was buried into my back, her fear refusing to let her look at the man standing over her._

_He pummeled her back with the base of the gun._

_She cried out in pain._

"_Stop it! Stop it!" I screamed at him. Fruitlessly, I tried to cling to her, but he grabbed her arm and dragged her away from me._

_I couldn't do anything but cry. The view from my eyes looked like a rain streaked window pane. My world was a blur of images. _

_Another shot._

_I couldn't look. I screwed my eyes shut painfully. I screamed at the top of my lungs and covered my ears. I couldn't bear to hear another sound. _

_I don't know how long I sat there, rocking back and forth, hands covering my ears, eyes closed. I cried endless tears, wishing to wake from this nightmare. _

_The next thing I knew I was being wrapped up in a blanket and carried out of the school by a man with strong arms. I was so afraid to open my eyes. In a streak of panic I thought maybe it was James who had me, so I opened them, the bright sun sending bursts of pain to the back of my head. I had to blink several times to make out the face above me and when I did, I fell apart again. _

_It was Edward. _

_I clung to his neck, and he held me closer to him, his grip around my legs and back was vice-like. _

_All I could say was that I was sorry. I was so sorry. _

I could barely see through my own tears as I held her there, her entire body wracked with guilt, sobbing uncontrollably. I rubbed her back, shushed her and rocked her.

Her breaths were broken and staggered, my shirt damp from her tears. How could this have happened? My sweet, loving Alice. I cried even harder when I imagined her sitting there all alone, both of her parents gruesomely shot to death right in front of her. Then, I imagined what it must have been like for her brother to hear the news over the phone, and have to come and rescue her. Why did they have to suffer so much? There was no one there to answer my questions; there was no justification. That frustrated me more than anything. Giving up on trying to figuring anything out right now, I closed my eyes.

We lay there for an immeasurable amount of time before her crying began to fade. I kissed the top of her head and ran my hands up and down her arms, and along her side.

She whimpered in my arms. I had to hold back more of my tears. I needed to be strong for her.

"Oh, Alice. I'm so sorry," I say, rocking her still. I know there's nothing I can say or do right now that will make it any better.

"It was all my fault," she says in a raspy voice.

"No, no, no. Shh. Don't. Not right now. You're going to let me hold you and tell you that everything is going to be okay. You got that?"

"Okay," she whispers.

"Okay," I repeat sternly.

I hold onto her, and I don't let go.

**MEGA A/N:**

**That wasn't too bad was it? If it was – I promise I'll make it up to you next time. ;-)**

**Okay, where to begin? First and foremost, I have to thank my crew:**

**Lady_Ma_Ma, MessyBar, KaylatheCullen, ColorTheEra, and Wendy5542. You guys rock my world.**

**Secondly – my little story was reviewed for the Lemon Report at the Perv Pack Smut Shack by the insanely witty and sexy duo einfach_mich & Chele681! YES IT WAS! I might have squeed and peed my pants a little. Give them a visit! (please) pervpackssmutshack(dot)com**

**Thirdly – I'm currently participating in NanoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) and so I'm a wee bit on the overwhelmed side. I've started writing Chapter 6 but it's nowhere near finished. That being said, I will **try** to update in 2 weeks. If it doesn't happen, I will apologize profusely and then give you a smex-filled chapter in return (wait, don't I always do that?) **

**Or...while you wait for ****my**** slow ass, you can check out some of my favorite fics – these are all amazing and wonderfully written and I have major love the beautiful ladies who write them. (Links are in my favorites)**

**Tangled Up In Blue, Finding Bella, The Weight of Words, Osa Bella, Our Lives Unbound**

**Tips For Better Living, Mens Rea: A Guilty Mind, We All Fall Down, and With Teeth (on Twilighted)**

**There are so many more, but I think I should stop now.**

**Lastly – but not leastly – I really do love you guys for reading, it makes my day when I get a review or a story/author alert, I swear. Thank you sooo sooo much. **

**See you soon.**

**XOXO**


	6. Chapter 6 Loom

**S. Meyer owns it. I own a marionette of Justin Timberlake (two, actually).**

**Thank you so much for your patience and for coming back. **

**I present to you: Chapter Sex. I mean, Six.**

_i will be nice_

_i won't do anything you can't tell your wife_

_i will think before i act_

_i will think twice_

_just let me see your eyes_

_each time we've spoken, we've put in a token and ridden the tilt-a-whirl_

_i was giggling and dizzy_

_flirting like a 12 year old girl_

_the carnival of you and me is coming to town_

_watch how we spin and spin and then fall down_

_**Loom, Ani DiFranco**_

A dull ache behind my eyes pulls me from a deeply languid sleep. I feel weighted and numb. Even closed, my eyes burn. They're raw and tired from crying, and I begin to remember why. Instantly, I feel embarrassed at my earlier emotional breakdown. I feel pathetic. I feel small and regret spilling my guts.

Not because I think it was the wrong thing to do, but because now she'll see how damaged I am. Any allure I might have had, will begin to diminish. Bella will finally see that dealing with me is not worth all the effort. It's going to be all downhill from here.

I shiver and pull the blankets over me until I'm completely cocooned inside them. It's warm and comforting but a little harder to breathe. I don't feel her body near mine, but I don't have it in me to reach around to check for the warmth of her skin. If she's not there, I'll start to panic as my imagination runs wild with outrageous scenarios, all of which include being left here alone. For now, I'll pretend that she's turned on her side away from me because it was time to switch positions. Maybe her hip hurt or her arm fell asleep from spooning me too long. Yeah, that's what it must be.

Even though I feel fatigued to the point of death, there's no way I could possibly go back to sleep. My heart is already racing with dread at the prospect of facing her, of facing Jasper, of facing myself. I take deep breaths, talking myself down off the ledge of rejection – one inhale and one exhale at a time.

"I know what you're doing and you need to stop it. Right now," Bella says sternly.

I gasp at the sound of Bella's voice and slowly pull the covers down my face, revealing only my eyes. She's standing over me, clad in only her pajama shirt and underwear, with her hands on her hips.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." My voice is deep and groggy. I sound like shit.

"Bullshit, Alice. I can see the wheels turning in your head. I know what you're thinking. I don't need to be a mind reader to figure that out."

"I plead the fifth?"

"Negative, sweet cheeks. Scoot over."

I do what she says because I think she might hurt me if I don't. Like I'd pass up an opportunity to be that close to her – especially when she's wearing that damn gray t-shirt. I lift up the blanket in invitation and she takes the corner out of my hand and whips it completely away from me.

"Hey! What are you doing? I'm cold!" I shriek.

"Stop whining. I'll warm you up with a Bella blanket," she says cheekily as she crawls onto the bed, and without hesitation, straddles my hips.

I laugh and roll my eyes at her. "You're such a dork." My hands find the tops of her thighs without any permission from my brain. I strain to keep my hips from pushing upward into her.

"Maybe so, but I don't see you declining my offer," she says with a wink.

"Never," I say quietly, momentarily distracted from my brooding by her warm body on top of mine.

I know what she's doing.

My favorite smirk appears as she pulls her wild hair over her shoulder, bends down and kisses the corner of my mouth.

"Don't," she whispers against my lips.

"Don't what?" I ask dumbly.

"Don't freak out."

She kisses my chin.

"Don't try to leave."

She kisses the underside of my jaw.

"Don't worry."

She kisses my neck, her tongue peeking out and causing me to shiver.

I've given up trying to keep my body under control. I couldn't now, even if I tried. Her sexiness is my kryptonite.

"Don't think about last night."

She nips at my ear and I whimper.

"What happened last night?" I play along.

"Good girl," she whispers into my ear.

I slide my hands up her bare thighs around to her ass and hold her in place. I like her bent over me like this. I nuzzle her neck and her hair falls over my face, shielding me from the light streaming through the curtained window. I place small delicate kisses down the length of her neck and she moves her head to the side to allow me more room. She presses her breasts into me and I move my hands up her back so I can hold her tighter to me. I can feel the heat of her sex against my pelvis, and I strain to keep my hand from sliding between us. I'm enjoying the feel of our warm bodies gliding against each other. She begins to lift herself up and I release her from my grasp. While looking directly into my eyes she sits up straight and peels her shirt off, tossing it to the side. Her creamy skin glows in the dim light. I press my hands against her stomach, letting my thumbs run underneath the waistband of her simple black cotton underwear. I hear her sharp intake of breath and smile at the reaction. Bella smiles back at me and then leans her head back, letting her hair cascade down her back. The motion makes her breasts push forward and I take it as an invitation. My hands slide gently, and ever so slowly, up her torso and over her erect nipples. She moans quietly. I cup both of her breasts in my hands and run my fingertips back and forth over her nipples, causing her to grind against me, looking for friction.

I take her hips in my hands, and spread my own legs, pushing her directly over where I want her the most. The hottest, wettest parts of our bodies yearn for contact but only get a glimpse of what's to come. It's maddening, and yet it's exhilarating. I move my hands back to her breasts and knead them, pulling slightly at the nipple at each pass.

"Mmmm, yes," she whispers into the quiet space around us. Only the rustling of sheets and our ragged breaths accompany her voice.

I continue to tease her. I watch Bella's slim form move above me with a hunger I haven't felt before. I feel the need to consume her, to put myself inside her; not to fuck her but to become one person, to meld myself with her.

My body grows hotter and more frenzied with each slide of her pussy near my clit. I want to throw her onto the bed and hold her to it, her arms and legs spread wide for me. Before I'm able to do so, she places her hands over top of mine and looks down at me. Her grin is mischievous and sly.

"What is _that_ look for?" I question.

"I have something for you."

My eyes go wide with curiosity. "Oh really? Like a present?"

"Yes, very much like a present. For the both of us, actually."

I raise my eyebrows at her elaboration. "The both of us, huh? Well, let's see it."

I'm dying to find out what she's up to.

"I'll have to get out of bed to get it. Will you be okay by yourself for a minute?"

"It'll be tough, but I'll manage."

Then I panic a little. "You're not leaving the room are you?"

"No, just over to the closet," Bella says reassuringly, leaning down and kissing the tip of my nose. I try to capture her lips but she moves away too quickly.

"Nuh-uh. In a minute…let me get your gift."

Begrudgingly, I let her leave the warm confines of the bed. The cold air sweeps over my legs and I throw the blankets back on. I lie on my side, my arm propping me up. I hold my head in my hand and watch her move through the room. She looks back at me with a shit-eating grin and I shake my head at her silliness. I think she's putting a little extra shake in her walk because her hips sway more than usual and her ass is looking mighty fine with the black cotton stretched tightly over it. She knows exactly how to push my buttons. I want her so badly I can taste it. She's rummaging through her closet and lifts up onto her tiptoes to a top shelf and I watch as the muscles in her thighs and calves contract and stretch. Her skin is flawless and toned, and I want to lick every inch of it. I can't understand where this voraciousness has come from, I only know that I have to satisfy it, and soon.

"Got it!" she calls from inside the closet. "Close your eyes," she instructs before she turns around.

"They're closed."

It's killing me to do so, but I want her back on top of me. We're wasting precious minutes here.

"I'll know if you're lying," she warns.

"I swear! They're closed. I can't see anything. Promise."

"Alright, here I come!" I hear the closet door shut and then fast footsteps. She jumps back onto the bed and I fly up in the air a little at the impact.

"Jesus! What the hell…" I yell, but then she's on top of me and her hands are covering my eyes.

"Shhh…stop talking and just listen."

"Okay, okay. I'm listening. You're so bossy," I grumble.

"Yes, I know. Now, I bought this for you, err…for us recently. I mean, it was the day after we met, which might sound creepy now that I think about it. I was walking down Halsted on my way to a client's house, and I passed this shop. I saw all the fun things they had through the window and thought, what the hell. I was going to save it for, I don't know, a special occasion I guess. But I think now is a better time. I hope you don't think this is weird or forward..." she continues to ramble until I cut her off.

"Bella. Stop. I'm sure I'll love it, whatever it is. Stop worrying so much," I say and fumble around trying to find her face so that I can reassure her. I cup her cheek with my palm and she leans into my touch. I feel her relax against me.

"You're right. I'm over thinking it," she agrees. "The thing is, I don't think I can wait much longer knowing it's right there, waiting to be enjoyed," she explains, her voice getting quieter with each word, until it's barely a whisper.

"I have to tell you, I'm insane with curiosity right now. Can you please take your hand off my eyes so I can see what it is?" I beg.

"Okay, but, before I do, promise me you'll be honest. I mean, if you don't like it. It's okay if you don't." She sounds nervous but excited.

Eagerly, I say, "I promise."

I lie there with bated breath, my arms above my head in surrender.

"Alright, open your eyes," she says as she simultaneously removes her hand. I blink a few times to adjust my eyes. What I see in her hand sets my heart racing and my thighs clenching together. The look on her face is priceless – she's really fucking proud of herself. She holds the dark blue silicone dildo in the palm of her hand as if she's making an offering to the gods.

I push myself up onto my elbows. I swallow heavily, and with great anticipation in my voice, ask her, "What are you planning to do with that?"

Her eyes mimic the fire in my own.

"I'm going to fuck you with it," she states plainly.

_Holy Fucking Jesus._

I bite my lip and my eyes roll back in my head. My breaths come out fast and short.

"Right now?"

"Mmmhmm. Right now," she says and licks her lips.

I fall back against the pillows and groan wantonly at the images that raid my mind. I reach my hands up to her face and pull her down to me, attacking her mouth with my own. She drops our gift onto the bed beside me and steadies herself, placing her hands on either side of my head. I slip my tongue past her lips and she meets it with her own. Her mouth is hot and wet, and her taste has become familiar. We let our kisses express our hunger for each other. She bites lightly at my lip and I moan into her mouth. She fists my hair into her hand and I buck my hips into her. We're as close as our two bodies can be, but it's still not enough. I can feel her warm skin under my fingertips grow fevered at my touch. I reach down her body and grab her ass, pressing her body into mine.

She smiles against my mouth and asks, "So does this mean you like it?"

"I love it," I respond quickly. "Now. Please," I plead.

She kisses me long and hard and moves off of me. She begins to pull my shirt off, and I rise up a little to help her pull it over my head, then she goes straight for my boxers. I let her take control over me. She can bend me to her will, she can overpower me, I don't care. I _want_ her to own me.

She says absolutely nothing while she undresses me. As I lay before her naked and wanting, she looks deep into my eyes, questioning. I know what she's trying to say without words. She's trying to tell me that I can trust her and I do, I trust her whole-heartedly. Bella will take care of me. She'll protect me and she'll make me feel things I'd never even imagined I could feel. I nod my head, letting her know that I'm okay and want to continue. In the most graceful way she can muster, she moves down the bed, kneels in front of me, and slowly parts my thighs. I watch as she picks up the dildo and wraps her fingers around it. I fist my pillow in my hands above my head and let my legs fall open. I can barely stand the feel of the cool air against the sensitive skin of my pussy. I want to be touched, so badly.

"Are you ready for me?" she asks sweetly, looking very much like the cat that ate the canary.

Before I can respond, she runs a single finger down the length of my slit and I moan with pleasure at the contact.

"Oh, yes. Yes, you are." Her tone is delighted and sexy.

"Please, Bella…"

"Please, what?" she teases.

"Please fuck me now, I can't…" I trail off, thrashing my head from side to side, not knowing what to say, just knowing I'm dying to feel something, anything.

"Oh, baby, I know…I know you want it. I'll give it to you."

I let out a breath of relief, knowing the pleasure of being filled deep and hard will soon be mine to savor.

"Alice, you have to tell me if I hurt you, or if it's too much, okay?"

"I will. It's been…a long time…for this…so go slow, please."

"Don't worry baby, I'm going go very, very slowly. I want you to remember it."

I whimper at her words and the sex that drips from them.

The cold tip of the rubber phallus presses against my clit. I gasp at the contact. She slides it slowly down the length of my pussy, passing over where I want it and back up again. I push my thighs against the mattress in a futile attempt to spread my legs wider.

"Oh, God. That feels so good," I practically growl.

"I'm so happy that you like your present. I thought you might enjoy this. When I saw it, I thought of you and how sexy you would look while I fucked you with it."

I practically come at her words.

"Fuuuuck. Please, more…"

"Anything you want."

Suddenly the tip is at my entrance and I search uselessly behind me for something to hold on to. I slide my fingers in between the posts of her headboard and screw my eyes shut, waiting for the pressure to increase.

"Alice, baby. Relax," Bella coos as she runs her free hand across my stomach and over my breasts. I take a deep breath and relax at her touch.

"I'm okay. It's just that it's going to hurt a little at first. I don't like pain."

"Do you want me to stop?"

"No! No! Don't stop. I'm fine. You're right, I just need to relax. I'm just being a wuss. Keep going, please."

"You're sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. I'm very, very sure." I lift my head up off the pillow so she can see my face, and I give her a very serious look.

"Is that supposed to convince me?"

I fall back against the pillow and command her. "Less talking. More fucking."

She laughs quietly and mumbles something about bossiness. Without another word, she begins to slide it slowly inside me. I feel the slightest sting but it's gone in an instant. All I can focus on is the intense pleasure of the smooth surface gliding against my walls. She keeps going, inch by inch, and it's driving me insane but I feel relaxed knowing she won't go too fast too soon. I feel it fill me, and once it's all the way inside me, she pushes gently against the base and the sparks fly. I cry out.

"Mmm, I love the sounds you make. Don't be shy, Alice. Tell me how it feels."

"It feels amazing. It feels…uhhnnn!" I cry out again as she pulls the dildo almost all the way out and pushes it back in.

"Uh, huh. What were you saying?" she asks playfully.

"Oh God, please, please…" I beg. I don't even know what I'm begging for, I just want more. Her free hand strokes my inner thigh as she continues to slowly pump it in and out of me. I moan and writhe against her hand as the intensity builds inside me. Flames lick through my entire body, burning away each and every nerve until I'm a fumbling, flailing ball of want. I'm groaning so loudly that I don't even believe it's my voice anymore.

Her pace increases. The push and pull is harder, there's a force behind her movements now and if I thought I was going to die from the ecstasy before – now I'll be incinerated by the time she's through with me.

"Yes, harder…yes…"

"I knew you'd love this, Alice. I knew you'd love it when I fucked you hard," she says with a bite to her voice. I fucking love it when she gets riled up like this.

"I want you to touch yourself," I request breathlessly.

She moans and I feel her hand leave my thigh. I lift my head to see her. She slides her free hand down her stomach and her middle finger slips between her lips. Her head falls back and she cries out at the relief she must feel. She pumps her finger in time with each thrust into me. Only minutes pass as we ride the wave of sensation together, but it feels like hours. I don't ever want it to end.

I hear her breathe heavy from the exertion. She's doing her best to please me. I want to give her something too.

"Baby, I'm gonna come soon," I warn. "Get your ass up here, now."

"Just my ass, huh?"

"That's right. Do it."

"Mmm…I like it when you tell me what to do. When you're naked."

"I bet you do."

I will never get enough of the way she talks to me when we're fucking.

Still holding onto the base of the toy, she stealthily swings her legs over top of me and backs up until her pussy is directly over my mouth. I'm thoroughly impressed.

I could get used to this.

"So fucking sexy," I tell her.

I assume she enjoyed my compliment, because she pushes the dildo further inside. I'm filled to the hilt.

"Oh shit!" I yell.

_God damn._

I grab hold of her hips and press her pussy against my mouth and suck on her erect clit like it's the last sweet thing I'll ever taste.

"Oh fuck, Alice! Fuck!" she cries, her face buried against my thigh.

I flick her clit with my tongue and she screams out, her orgasm coming fast and hard. She convulses against me. I hold her still and wait for her to come down from the high.

"Oh my God. I came so fast. I wanted to wait, but I couldn't help it."

"Don't worry, I'm not done with you," I tell her and massage her ass.

Bella looks over her shoulder at me and bites her lip. Her eyes are almost black with desire.

"Yes, please." She says, her voice filled with need.

I push a finger inside her and she's incredibly wet. The knowledge that I made her this way pushes my impending orgasm to the brink. She pushes against my mouth and I suck and swirl my tongue over the sticky, hot skin. All the while, my middle finger penetrates her as fast I can manage.

"Yes, oh yes. That's it. Right there," she purrs.

I fuck her harder with my finger, and she starts to pound into me with wild abandon. I feel the tight ball of fire deep in my belly begin to explode and I groan against her sex. My voice hums along with the tidal wave of my orgasm. It seems to last forever.

Minutes later, my muscles relax and she slowly pulls the toy out of me. She falls against me, from what I only assume is exhaustion, but I'm not done with her yet.

"No, no, no. Sit up."

Bella's sweaty cheek rubs against my stomach as she gets back up and lays her head against me. I push her onto my mouth and devour her pussy.

"Alice, baby, I'm so close," she whispers.

I lick, suck, bite and tease until she's screaming with pleasure and bucking against my jaw. Only then do I let her fall limp on top of me.

"I can't even…that was…wow," she rambles.

"Exactly what I was thinking," I say in agreement, my chest still heaving.

She crawls off of me and moves to lie down next to me. I can't help myself. I have to say it. I try to stop myself but…

"It's nice to see your face again."

"Alice!" She swats at my arm and I try to move away, but I'm too late.

"Ouch! Why'd you hit me?"

"I can't believe you said that. That was so un-romantic."

"I'm sorry, but it's true. I haven't seen you for like…twenty minutes."

She shakes her head and glances at me sideways. She's pretending to be mad but I see the smile she's holding back.

"Come on, you know it was funny. Just admit it." I bat my eyelashes dramatically and pout.

"Stop it," she says and starts to laugh. She snuggles into my side and drapes her arm over me. I pull the blankets over of us and feel the endorphins being to fade away. They're quickly replaced with the need to close my eyes and drift off.

"Are you tired?" I ask groggily.

"Yes," she says with a yawn.

"I thought so. You wanna sleep more?" I yawn as well.

"Mmmhmm."

I pull her closer to me and kiss her hair. She nuzzles her head into the nook of my shoulder.

"Thank you, Bella," I whisper.

"For what?"

"For making me feel like this."

"For making you feel like what?"

"You know, for distracting me and not letting me brood, for thinking about me the way that you do."

"I don't think I understand what you're trying to say."

"Are you going to make me say it?"

"Yes."

"You know…for making me feel…loved."

"You're welcome."

I feel her smile as she places a soft kiss against my shoulder. The panic I feel at what I've just said fades away.

Loved. I am loved.

**A/N:**

**Again, thanks so much for sticking around. I really love writing this, and I hope you love reading it. I have a ton of people helping me out so I'm dubbing them all "Team RLY" because I'm so afraid I'll miss someone. It takes a village, people. The junk I churn out does not look like this (see above) in the first draft. Heh. I wish.**

**So THANK YOU TEAM RLY – You Complete Me.**

**While you're waiting for more of the Bella & Alice love fest, be sure to check out the fic recs on my blog: redletteryear at blogspot dot com (there are also sexy pictures) hee hee**

**Big hugs and smooches to you all! (with some tongue from B&A if you're into that sorta thing)**

**XOXO**


	7. Chapter 7 Knuckle Down

**~S. Meyer owns it. I just gayed them up. Enjoy. ~**

**Knuckle Down**

_that's just my cowgirl alter-ego _

_riding on her bar room bull_

_dripping with the sweat of irony _

_as the cowboys whoop and drool_

_shooting glances at the mirror _

_to see if her scar is showing_

_she is truly going nowhere tonight_

_lecherous old lady wanna-be_

_much too young and shy_

_flailing her whole life _

_just thinking she can teach herself to fly_

_vehement romantic_

_frantic for forever right now_

_but forever's going nowhere tonight_

_sick of goading her self-loathing_

_she thinks, i think i'd better leave_

_'course whiskey makes me smarter _

_and i'm happy as can be_

_but please excuse me darlin_

_it's not you_

_it's me_

_and there's a dusty old dust storm on mars, they say_

_so tonight you can't see it too clear_

_still i stood in line to look through their telescope_

_looked like a distant ship light_

_as seen from a foggy pier_

_and i know that i was warned_

_still it was not what i hoped_

_yes i know that i was warned_

_still it was not what i hoped_

_i think i'm done gunnin to get closer_

_to some imagined bliss_

_i gotta knuckle down_

_and just be ok with this_

_i'm gonna knuckle down_

_just be ok with this_

**~Alice~**

This is torture, pure and simple. I can't focus; I can't really get any decent sleep. All I can think of is her. It's not healthy. I know this, and I'm choosing to ignore that part. The one thing I _can_ do is continuously question why she had to go to a convention for almost two weeks. She's going to eat, sleep, and live exercise, nutrition, and some insane new workout thing called Zumba. I mean, really. The girl is obviously dedicated to her career. I'm dedicated too. Committed to counting down the days until she gets back.

As I'm hunched over, on my hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor for the fifth time this week, I let myself remember the last time we spoke; how disappointed I was when she'd told me she had to go. I guess I didn't realize how attached I'd become in just a few days. I started to realize that we'd moved incredibly fast and I'd thrown a lot of emotional baggage in her direction. Maybe I'd put too much of myself out there too quickly. I'd had no intention of revisiting that drama, at least, not so soon.

She probably needed the break from our non-stop contact. It would be good for her, and for me, to get some distance. At least, that's what I kept telling myself.

Still, I couldn't help but feel embarrassed and unsure since we hadn't really talked after I'd spilled my guts and I was nervous without some sort of indicator of how all of this made her feel.

**5 Days, 12 Hours and 35 Minutes Earlier**

Bella whispers into my ear as her soft fingers sweep the stray hair off my forehead.

"Hey, sleepyhead. Time to get up."

How can she expect me to wake when she keeps doing that? I grumble something, still feeling slightly incoherent. She nudges my shoulder.

"Alice. Come on, you have to get up. I have to go soon."

Now, I'm awake. I crack open one eye and groan at the brightness of the room before throwing my arm over my eyes to shield them from the sunlight. "What time is it? How long have I been asleep? Why do you have to go?"

My mouth tastes like shit. I try not to breathe through it. _So gross._

"It's after two o'clock in the afternoon. I let you sleep as long as I could; it's been about four hours. My cab is going to be here in ten minutes. I'm flying to Los Angeles for a fitness convention. There. I think I've covered everything," she says, a soft smile curling the corners of her mouth.

I sit up quickly, not caring that the sun is searing my eyeballs. "Wait. What? You're going to L.A.? As in California? For how long?"

I rub my face with both of my hands in attempt to push away the sleep from my brain. "And you're dressed and showered. You smell good," I ramble on.

She chuckles. "Yes, L.A. as in California, and I'll be gone for ten days. And thank you for saying I smell good. I wish I could say the same for you." She scrunches her nose up and gives me a playful smile.

"Very funny. I don't stink," I say with a pout as I throw myself back against the pillows. The real reason for my pouting is that she's leaving, but I don't want to be honest about that. I don't want to seem clingy. Even if I am.

"What are you going to do there, at this conference?"

She informs me that it's not a conference, it's a convention. Apparently there's a difference. Bella also goes into quite the detailed description of what it is she'll be doing with an enthusiasm I've only seen in small children. She really loves what she does and I suddenly wish I had something I was that passionate about. I feel bad about whining now, but I can't help myself.

"Won't you be terribly bored, talking about pumping iron and protein bars?"

"That's not funny. I don't "pump iron." smart ass. And I probably won't have much down time so I doubt I'll be bored. I'll try to call you, though. Okay?"

"Fine," I grumble.

"Don't pout," she says as she finishes gathering up her things. "You're welcome to stay here and hang out with Jasper all day. I'm sure he'd be delighted to have some fresh meat around."

"Uh, fresh meat? That sounds...creepy."

"What I meant is that he's a Civil War buff. He's bored with me because I already know all of his stories. You, however, don't know any of them. He could go on for hours. And he has DVDs," she says, with a frightened expression.

"Yeah, I think I'll pass."

"That's what I thought. You can shower here if you want, though," she offers and gets up off the bed. I pull her back down on top of me and she laughs happily.

"Alice, I have to get going! My cab will be here any minute!" Her words don't mimic her movements as she melts into me.

"The cab will wait. Stay and shower with me," I whisper against her neck as I squeeze her tightly against my body. She smells delicious. "Have I mentioned that I really like it when you straddle me? I just wanted to make sure you were aware," I say playfully while making sure I stroke my hands over every part of her that I can manage. I want my fingertips to remember what her body feels like underneath them.

She laughs quietly and pushes herself up onto her hands, hovering over me. "I'm fully aware. Hey, listen," she changes the subject and her tone is less playful and more sincere. "I really don't want you to worry about anything while I'm gone, okay?" She rubs the tip of her nose against mine. "We didn't get a chance to really _talk _about the things you told me, and I want to. So, we'll do it when I get back."

"That's such a long time. I'm gonna miss you," I confess and move to sit up. Bella takes the opportunity to crawl off of me. Smiling and shaking her head she moves through the room, stuffing more things into her suitcase, her shiny brown curls falling around her shoulders. She's wearing dark blue skinny jeans and a long-sleeved white top. It's almost see-through, like tissue paper, with a white tank top underneath. And from what I can tell no bra. I sigh at the thought. The entire outfit clings to her form, the black riding boots the icing on the cake.

_No sexy Bella for ten days? How will I make it? _

"It's not that long, Alice. I'll miss you too, but I'll be back before you know it. I've already asked Jasper to keep you company. So don't get into any trouble." She winks.

"I never get into trouble. See? I'm innocent," I say as I bat my eyelashes and put on a charming smile.

"Yeah, right. I have to go now. Goodbye, Alice," she says sweetly, leaning over and kissing my mouth. My reaction time is slow and muddled. I try to kiss her back but her lips are already gone. She waves as she opens her bedroom door and disappears behind it.

I sigh deeply. _This is going to suck_.

**Present Day**

"You missed a spot," Edward says, leaning over the short wall that separates the kitchen and dining room.

"If you know what's good for you, and for your testes, you'll walk away. Quickly."

"Jeez, you're in a foul mood today."

I sit back on my knees and wipe the sweat from my forehead, being careful not to touch my face with my hideous yellow rubber gloves.

"Listen up, mister. I'm a woman on a mission. I have to occupy myself with something, otherwise I'm gonna go fucking nuts thinking about how many more days until she gets back. I've got a constant count down in my head, for fuck's sake. It isn't normal to think about someone so much. I need professional help. So, you might not want to poke the nutso ticking time bomb, okay?"

"Wow," he replies, his eyes wide. "You're a hot mess, sis."

"Edward, did you not hear anything I just said?"

_He can be so dense sometimes._

"I heard you. You said, 'blah blah blah, I'm in love, blah blah blah, I need mental help, blah blah blah'. Right?"

"You're seriously about five seconds away from a wet rubber glove slapping your face."

He laughs and blocks his head with arms. "Don't hurt me, I'm your brother. You love me, remember?"

"I'm having trouble recalling that. What do you want, anyway?"

"Well, I came to tell you that Jasper wants to go out for drinks tonight, with the both of us. I hope that you're able to dredge up the memories of how much I love you since I'm sacrificing possibly getting laid on the one night I don't have any homework, so that we can babysit your pathetic ass."

"You don't have to do that. I don't need a babysitter. I'm perfectly fine on my own. I've been fine for the past few days, haven't I?"

I'm not sure who I'm trying to convince, him or me.

"Um, if you consider obsessively cleaning each and every surface of our house, constant rearranging of your bedroom furniture... and I wasn't going to bring this up but... Alice, you've had _Brown-Eyed Girl _on repeat on your iPod for the entire week. I'm going to have to kill you if you don't change that fucking song. So yeah, you're doing great."

"Whatever. It's a good song."

Sarcastic asshole. I roll my eyes at him and pout, before going back to my work on the floor.

"Yeah, the first two or three times I agreed with you. If I hear it again, however, I'm throwing your iPod out the window."

I mumble quietly under my breath, "I'll throw you out the window."

"Did you just threaten my life? That's it. Get up. It's intervention time. You're going outside."

"No! I was only kidding!" I yell as I scramble to my feet, throw off my gloves and start running toward my room. Running was a stupid plan. Edward's very fast, and of course tackles me to the ground before I make it to the door. He tickles the shit out of me and I scramble to get away, giggling like a toddler. I'm not making much headway so I go for the easy win. I stick my hand right smack in the middle of his messy-on-purpose hair and go to town, smooshing and squishing it all to hell.

"Stop it, Ali!" he whines. "God, why do you always do that? Do you know how long this takes?" He tries to mold it back to perfection but there's no use.

I laugh so hard that I start to cry. He's so ridiculous about his hair. "Yes, Edward. It takes forty three minutes. Every single morning."

"You're a big jerk, you know that?" He pulls himself to standing and glares at me. "Hmmph, and to think I was going to take you to Glenn's. I guess I'll just let Jasper pick the place." His arms are crossed and he refuses to look at me.

"What? No! I'm sorry!" I rest my head on his thigh and wrap my arms around his legs. "Please, Edward. I'm sorry. I'll help you fix it. Please say you'll take me to Glenn's."

He sighs exaggeratedly. "Fine. You have to get out of the house for at least a little while today. You need fresh air - a change of scenery. You're not going to be able to get a grip on yourself if you stay locked in here. Tonight, you'll come out with us and live a little," he says wiggling his eyebrows. Edward offers his hand to help me up and then wraps me in a fiercely tight hug.

"Oh, Edward, don't." I hold him just as tightly and rub his back. I know what's coming next. He always does this; he's so emotional.

"I can't help it. Even though you've been really annoying the past few days, I'm so happy for you." He's getting choked up and it's completely adorable. I let him go on. "You deserve this, Ali. Bella is great and I know she's right for you. I've been wishing for this for so long," he says sincerely.

I push him away from me and hold him by his biceps. "Have you been working out?" I try to lighten the mood.

"Maybe." His impish smile gives it away before he answers.

"I thought so, Mr. Muscles."

"I'm being serious kid, I've watched you curl up inside yourself while the rest of the world moves forward. I'm ecstatic to see you finally taking part in it… I mean, I can only assume if Bella were here right now you wouldn't be scrubbing floors?"

"You're probably right. I can't seem to get enough of her," I admit sheepishly.

"Yeah, I noticed."

"I really am sorry that you've had to put up with my emo ass for so long. I'm sure it sucked a lot and kept you from getting a real boyfriend. I've been a terrible sister." I hang my head in mock-shame and he pulls me back into a hug. This time we sway back and forth because he's weird and likes to do the hug-dance thing.

"You really are the worst sister ever, but I forgive you," he says and kisses my cheeck.

"Thanks, ass."

"Anytime, sweetie. Now, what are you going to do with your free time today?"

_Dude. He has no idea how close to a nut punch he is right now._

"First of all, don't stand there looking like you're my third grade teacher, Miss Zimmer. She would hover over me with that same condescending look on her face because I sucked at at multiplication. She also had terrible halitosis."

"I know you're not implying that I have bad breath. I'm a gay man, my breath is minty fresh twenty four seven, it's coded into my DNA. And don't get all huffy with me; I'm just making sure you're not feeding me a line of bullshit just to get me off your back."

"I'm not! So back off. I have something I wanted to do today, anyway. I'll venture out in to the land of the living, I promise." I sound like a petulant child. Possibly because I am. And I might have lost my temper. It happens. Especially with him.

"Very good, little sister. That's what I like to hear," he says and kisses my forehead. "I'll be here, if you need me, okay?"

"I'll be fine, Edward," I say impatiently. "Are you going to leave me alone now?"

"Yes, jerk. I will leave you alone now. We'll see you at eight," he reminds me as he turns on his heel and walks away.

Right. Dinner with Jasper. That shouldn't be awkward for me at all. I haven't seen him since my breakdown. He was incredibly sweet and caring, but I'm so embarrassed that I cried in front of him, and that I told him about Tanya. Other than Edward, I've never told anyone about her. I'm not entirely sure what Bella heard that night, if anything, but I'm sort of holding out hope that she missed that part. Do we really need to do the whole past girlfriend confessions? I hope not. I'm normally not a proponent of "don't ask don't tell" but in this situation I might be willing to change my view. I just can't think about that stuff right now, it makes me anxious and nauseated.

I have to get my ass out of this house and get some fresh air. After getting Bella's gift, I feel like I need to return the favor, in a non-sexual manner. I want to have something to give her when she gets back. A sort of welcome home gift, if you will. I also really want to take her out on a real date, the whole dinner and a movie or some bullshit like that. We've kind of started off on a weird foot - I don't want her to think that I only want a physical relationship with her. I mean, I do. Believe me, I do. But I also want all the rest of it. I want to hang out with her and watch television, or make dinner together. I wanna cuddle on the couch and fall asleep. My heart races at all the firsts we've yet to have. God, she really needs to come home.

_And there I go again._ _Time to get moving._

I strip off my sweaty clothes, leaving them in a pile on my bathroom floor and turn on the shower. I step inside and let the hot water seep into the skin of my back and neck. I close my eyes momentarily and let it pour over me, the cascading water running over my face and down my lips, and I watch as it streams steadily back down into the tub. I struggle to clear my head. Everything reminds me of her. Even in my own bed, I have trouble sleeping because I run through the images of our first night together and how overwhelmed I was, but at the same time how intensely I already felt for her. I've tried for the past few days to pull myself together and just be a normal, functioning person - but I always end up obsessing over everything that's happened in the past week. I wonder what she's doing now, where she is. Is she happy? Is she tired? Should I call her? I wonder if this is what it's supposed to feel like. Is this ache in my chest normal? Is it normal to want to be with her physically, as much as I do? I can't answer any of these questions and it's driving me mad. My biggest fear is that I'll do this wrong and that I'll push her away or she'll be overwhelmed by my feelings. I just can't seem to reign them in.

I know her almost complete silence is a huge contributing factor to my obsessive behavior. The whole time she's been gone I've gotten one text from her. Just a simple, "I'm here, I'm safe and I'll talk to you soon." That's it. I texted her back immediately, thanking her for letting me know she was there safe and sound and asked her to call me if she had a chance. Did I get a response? No. Nothing. Not a text back saying she couldn't, or she was busy, and there have definitely been no phone calls. It's impossible for me to think anything other than she needs her space. She's using this trip as an opportunity to get some time away from me. I'm absolutely certain of it. I've overwhelmed her with my shit and she's going to think it all over while she's away. She'll realize it's not worth all the trouble. And she won't be wrong.

The water is starting to go cold, so I shake myself out of my thoughts, and finish my shower. I wrap a towel around myself and head back into the bedroom. Sitting on the edge of my bed, water dripping from my hair, basically decide to give up. There's no use in trying to fight off the voice in my head telling me that this will never work out, that I'm about to get my heart shattered into a million pieces. I already know it's true, but I've not allowed myself to face it. I just push the thoughts to the dark recesses of my consciousness and pretend they're not there. The sinking feeling I have in the pit of my stomach is getting worse by the minute. I feel the sting of tears prick my eyes and I squeeze them shut in an attempt to ward them off. I wrap my arms around myself, trying to provide my own comfort. I should start to prepare myself for the eventual rejection. It won't hurt as much. I'll have braced myself for the blow.

My mood has soured and now I don't want to go anywhere. I want to curl up under my covers and go to sleep, for as long as my body will let me. I move to the head of the bed and pull back the blankets, dropping my towel to the floor. I lay down on my side, and switch off the lamp on my bedside table. I start to close my eyes when I see a tiny red flashing light coming from my phone. It's a missed call or a missed message. My heart beat spikes.

_It's not from her. Don't get your hopes up._

With shaky fingers I slide my phone open and see four missed messages and one missed call - those can only be from her. Edward's here and he would just bang down my door if he wanted something that urgently. I press the keys to get to my text messages and I'm right. All Bella. Every single text has her name on it. I feel the tears start to slide down my cheek and I wipe them away quickly. I feel like an idiot for being so emotional. I click the first one open.

**I'm alive! Guess who dropped their phone in a toilet? *points thumbs at self* This girl! I had to go buy a new phone! LOL I miss you! **

Shit. I look at the time. Two hours ago. Of course, as soon as I forbid myself from looking at my phone every five seconds to see if she's called, by putting it away in my room, she fucking texts me. I want to reply but I want to read the rest first. The next one is thirty minutes later.

**Hello? I'm so sorry for not getting back to you sooner, it's been insane here. And of course I had the phone issue. Things in CA are REALLY expensive. I thought Chicago was bad. :-P Call me! xoxo **

And now I feel like an asshole _and_ a drama queen. Moving on to the third message, which must have come when I was in the shower, just fifteen minutes ago.

**Alice? Are you okay? I tried calling, but there was no answer. I really wanted to hear your voice. Did I mention that I miss you? I do. Please call me. I'm verging on stalker here. ;-) **

Son of a bitch. I'll read the last message and then I'll call her. I hope to god she picks up. The last one - I _just_ fucking missed.

**Okay, you have approximately ten minutes to respond or I'm calling someone! I'm freaking out. Unless you're ignoring me. ARE you ignoring me? :-/ I'm sorry I haven't called. You're mad aren't you? Crap. I'm sorry, please call me. Please. **

I fumble with the phone trying to get to the call option. My brain is moving faster than my fingers. Finally, it's ringing. I sigh in relief.

"Oh, thank God! You're not hurt are you?" Bella hastily answers the phone.

"Calm down, woman. No, I'm not hurt. Just missed your calls because I grounded myself from checking my phone. I was cleaning and then showering. That's all."

"You grounded yourself? Aww, baby. Does that mean you've been waiting for me to call you?" She sounds sad and sweet.

I admit the truth, but try to seem nonchalant. "Well, yeah, I was worried about you. You never responded to my text when you got there and I thought, ya know… maybe you just needed your space, or something." The last few words come out mumbly and quiet.

"Alice Cullen, I do not need space. In fact right now there is entirely too much space between us. Like thousands of miles worth. I'm really sorry about the lack of communication. I was trying to surprise you and call you the same night I got here. I was in the bathroom and things happened and...well you know, I dropped it in the toilet," she explains quietly. She's definitely embarrassed.

"Um, Bella, what were you doing in the bathroom with your phone?"

I'm intrigued.

"Nothing."

"Liar."

"Nothing!"

"Tell me."

"Ugh. Fine. I was going to...ya know...take a picture...a sexy one."

"Of you on the toilet?" I ask, confused and slightly worried.

"No, dummy! Naked, getting out of the shower. All wet," she whispers the last part. I swallow hard.

"Bella," I sigh. "What happened, I mean, how did sexy-naked-picture-time turn into such a disaster?"

"Well, my hands were wet and I picked up the phone and I was trying to get the right angle. It slipped and it flew in the air and bam - right in the toilet bowl. I was so pissed."

I lose it.

"Hey! It's not funny! I had to go buy a new phone, it was a nightmare! People were mean to me in the store, I had to bitch-face everyone in sight. I was only just able to get it today because I've been so busy with this convention, I'm sorry I didn't call you from the hotel. It seemed like such a big deal to call Jasper, who'd then have to call Edward, who'd then have to tell you the phone number. I didn't want to bother everyone. I figured you'd be busy with the boys and it wouldn't be a big deal." I swear she says it all in one breath. She's overwhelmed and unsure. It's the cutest thing ever.

"Hey," I try to soothe her. "It's okay, shit happens. I'm just so happy to finally talk to you."

"Me too," she says. "I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. It's kind of frightening, actually."

"Really? Like how much? Because I might know what you're talking about, but I want you to come clean first. Just in case."

"In case of what?" she asks suspiciously.

"In case mine is worse. I want you tell me first, so I can tailor my answer to make you sound like the crazy one, duh."

"Oh, nice. Thanks for throwing me under the bus. You're a real pal, Alice."

"Come on, Swan. Tell me. How much have you been thinking about me?" I'm enjoying this way too much. I'm also an enormous hypocrite.

A few beats of silence. She grumbles something under her breath. "Let's just say I probably haven't learned a thing and I'll have to retake a Zumba class when I get back to Chicago. It's non-stop, Alice. Like everything reminds me of you, and I feel like I'm going nuts. I didn't think it would be this bad," she says with a sigh. "So, how did I fare?"

"You're way worse."

"Oh."

"I'm only fucking with you." I laugh, "I'd say we're pretty much even."

"Really? You miss me that much?" I can hear the smile in her voice.

"Yeah, of course I do. We're ridiculous, you know that, right?"

"Yeah, I know. It's kind of disgusting. But this is the fun part, we should enjoy it. What's it called? The honeymoon phase? I like it. Well, I don't like the being separated part, or feeling like an emotional moron part - but I do like feeling giddy at the thought of seeing you again. I love getting butterflies in my stomach just thinking about you."

"How do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Tell me these things, as if it's no big deal. You're so confident. Like, you're not afraid to say what you feel. I wish I could do that, but I'm always second-guessing my feelings, and worrying that you're going to get sick of me if I tell you too much."

"Don't you hear yourself? You just did tell me how you feel. I guess I've always been like that, I can't help it. Sometimes I lose the filter that separates my heart from my brain and it just comes spewing out. It's not always a good thing, though. I've had my moments when brutal honesty gets me into trouble. If you can imagine that." She ends on a sarcastic note.

"I can see where that might be a problem. Especially with that smart mouth of yours," I tease her.

"You love my smart mouth. Admit it."

"I can't lie. I _do_ love your mouth. On me."

Her breath hitches slightly and she whispers, "I like that too. I miss your mouth _and your fingers_."

I can't help but snake my hand down the length of my naked body and press my cold fingers against the warmth of my sex. I anticipate where this might go, but I'm too unsure. I don't want the female equivalent of blue balls. So, before I even think about going any further, I wait for her cues.

"Do you want to know where my fingers are? Right now?"

"Yes," she whispers. "Tell me."

"Between my legs. I'm lying in bed, and I didn't bother to put any clothes on after my shower."

"You're completely naked?"

"Yep."

"Mmm, Alice. You're killing me. I can't. I really want to, um, talk about that on the phone, but..."

"It's okay. I understand." I try not to sound hurt. She doesn't seem like herself; she's a little out of sorts.

"It's only because I'm exhausted. But in four days I'll be all yours, baby."

"Did you just wink?"

"How did you..."

"You're a winker."

She laughs and I can hear her tiredness underneath it. "You're so right. God, I'm a dork."

"I can't disagree with you there," I tease. "Please, get some rest. And I wouldn't mind still getting a sexy picture of you, in case you were wondering. Just stay out of the bathroom."

"Yeah, I won't be trying _that_ again any time soon. What a mess. We'll see about the picture. Maybe I'll surprise you," she says, yawning.

"I can't wait. Really, really can't wait. Now, go. Sleep. We'll talk tomorrow."

"Okay, I'll miss you. And stop worrying so much, I'm going to be stuck to you when I get back. Just you wait and see."

"I can't wait for that either. Goodbye, Bella."

"Goodbye."

I end the call and throw the phone onto the bed next to me.

I think I need therapy.

I can't believe how dramatic I was being just because she hadn't called me.

I definitely need therapy.

I roll my eyes at myself and look over at the clock. I have to get out of here if I want to get to the bookstore before I meet the boys. I hastily dress in my favorite pair of faded black jeans, v-neck t-shirt and my tattered red zip-up hoodie. I don't have time to do shit with my hair so I just throw on a black knit cap and run out the door.

As soon as I'm outside the building I feel free, light and easy. I don't understand myself sometimes, or my tendency to lock myself away from the world. The emotions and the realities that I hide from always find me no matter how many walls I build or how many locks I secure. Even knowing, I still continue to do it. I guess I'm stubborn that way - a lot like my dad was.

The sky is a burnt orange with streaks of purple and red as the sun begins its descent into the horizon. There are happy couples walking in front of me, holding hands and laughing at inside jokes, asshole drivers honking their horns in standstill traffic. It sounds like a city, it looks like a living, breathing thing. It feels like home. How have I never noticed all this before? I guess it's hard to see what's in front of you when you walk around with your head down, purposefully making an effort not to make eye contact with anyone.

Tonight is very different than the way I normally spend my evenings. At least, before I met Bella. I don't ever go out walking, or running errands. I've learned pretty much everything can be ordered online and delivered to your door, if you pay extra. You would definitely not find me going out for drinks with friends.

Occasionally, when I _have_ to - when Edward has been driving me fucking nuts about something, then I'll succumb. I'm much happier in my house, in my cocoon. Or I was. Finally taking Edward up on his offer to go out and get drinks that night was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Not only did I see that I can handle it, that I can have a little fun without feeling enormous guilt, I also met Bella.

Since she's come into my life, I feel like I've been able to break out of my protective shell a little. I'm not as apprehensive about venturing out on my own. I actually _want_ to get out and experience the city I've been ignoring for two years. Hell, maybe I'll even make some friends. I've always used my brother as a crutch in social situations, and he did all the talking. I don't look at anyone, and I smile and nod when necessary. Bella would never let me get away with that shit. It's just way too easy to be myself around her. The real me comes forward and takes over when she's around. Maybe, eventually, I can be the way all the time.

I pull open the heavy wooden door and the overhead bell jingles, signaling a new customer. The motion of the opening door pushes the musty air in my face and I revel in the scent of old books. I love this place. It's one of the few places I ever go. They have the most amazing selection of new and used books, and a large reading room upstairs, which is one of its greatest features. It also doesn't hurt that their customer base mainly consists of the socially awkward and hipsters in playsuits who pretend you don't exist. The punk-nerd chick behind the large wooden desk that doubles as a cash register merely looks up and nods. She might be mute, I can't be sure. She's never spoken in the two years I've been coming here. She nods, I nod, I pay, I go home. We have a really great relationship.

I browse the aisles looking for a few titles I've been wanting, but I know I don't really have the time to do that right now. Instead, I head for the poetry section to get Bella's gift. It's not nearly as sexy and fucking awesome as the gift she gave me, but this will be something special. I felt like we made a connection that first night, when she read my tattoo and knew right away who it was. Maybe she owns it already, but even if she does, it's alright. I want this copy to be from me. I scan the rows of shelves until I spot it, a collection of poems, written by one of my many author crushes, Robert Frost. It's in good condition; it's well-loved like a book should be. I have an aversion to brand new books; I don't like the stiffness or the smell of of the freshly printed jackets. This one has a few dog-eared pages, but that's even better. Someone read those pages over and over, or saved their place because a line spoke to them. I fucking love that shit. I also like the cover; it's a bleak, white wintry scene with an enormous fir tree covered in snow. Maybe it'll remind her of Washington. I read that it snows a lot in Forks. Yeah, I googled the weather there. Among other things.

I make quick work of paying, in silence of course, and head back out to the bustling street. The restaurant is on the north side, and too far to walk to, so I catch a cab. On the ride, I keep my eyes open the whole time.

As the cab pulls up along the curb and I fish the bills from my wallet, I feel the familiar anxiety of entering a crowded room full of strangers begin to build. I know it's nuts to feel exposed – that anyone who does turn their head is almost certainly only doing it out of curiosity or habit. Doesn't change the fact that it makes my toes itch. I tell the host that I'm meeting people and I scan the room looking for Edward's hair. I spot it in the corner, presumably attached to his head and stalk over, trying to look only in his direction. Jasper stands up when he sees me. Such a gentleman. This is definitely something to tease about.

"Not gonna stand up to greet your only sister, Eddie?" I pout at him, glad of something to distract me.

Edward rolls his eyes, but Jasper waits for me to pull out my chair and sit down. I think he would have come around to my side and pulled the chair out for me, but the I'm guessing he doesn't want my tongue aimed at him, too.

"Alice, it's just the polite thing to do when a lady enters a room. My Gran would have beaten me with a switch if I hadn't greeted you respectfully," Jasper explains. I can't be annoyed with him because he's adorable and I love his accent.

"Alright, fine. But just don't do anything else...like that," I say and wave my hand around. "Ya know, lady stuff. As if."

"Understood," Jasper agrees with a twitch of a smile playing on his lips. I like how he humors me. Maybe I'll ask Bella if she wants to trade.

He and Edward are sitting as close to each other as humanly possible. They'd be on each other's laps if it wasn't considered inappropriate in public places.

I'm incredibly jealous.

"So boys, what are you drinking?"

Edward tips his Heineken in my direction and Jasper shows me his tumbler of clear, bubbly liquid. I know shit about alcohol. "What is that?"

"Gin and tonic. Wanna try it?" He asks and offers me his glass.

"Sure." I take a sip and it's strong. Really strong. I choke back a cough and swallow down the bitter, lemony liquid. "Wow, that almost killed me."

Jasper chuckles as I hand him back his drink. "It's an acquired taste, darlin'. Maybe you should stick to beer?"

"Um, yeah. I thought maybe I'd try something new, but that was gross." I shiver from the sharp after taste. "I guess I should stick to what I know, and like - Tequila. That'll definitely get me fucked up," I say and look over the drink menu, checking to see if they have the brand I prefer.

I happen to look up at my brother who is currently staring at me, mouth hanging open.

"What?" I ask, not understanding his issue.

"Fucked up?"

"Yep," I say sweetly, popping the p and winking at him. "Is that a problem for you?" I'm feeling feisty. I don't know what's come over me. I want to have some fun; I have great company and I find that I'm not missing Bella as much as I thought I would, considering I have to watch the love birds all night. Of course, I would much rather she was here. I could hold her hand under the table, sneak an inner thigh squeeze, or whisper sexy things in her ear to embarrass her. But she's not, and I'll live. Just barely, but I will.

"It's not. I'm not opposed to the idea at all. In fact, I'm all for it," he says with a huge grin on his face. He holds his bottle up to toast our new plan to get shit-faced. I clink my water glass to their respective drinks and look around for a server.

I catch the eye of a tall younger guy walking toward us and assume he's our waiter. He comes over to our table and I order the local brew they have on tap and a shot. He asks Edward and Jasper if they're ready for another round, which of course, they are. We settle into some casual conversation. They tell me about a few dates they've been on and Edward gushes about Jasper's music, and how much he enjoyed watching him play on stage. My brother's swoon face is in full force and even though I tend to find boy love slightly nauseating, I can't deny how sweet they are together. They're always touching, even if it's a small gesture - a hand on a shoulder or sweeping a piece of unruly hair behind an ear. It's sweet and tender. I'm insanely happy for both of them.

Our drinks arrive and I make another toast. "To making new friends and having lots of sex. Wait, that didn't sound right. Whatever."

"Here! Here!" They both chime in and we clink glasses. I down my first shot and the burn of the the Tequila is welcome and tough all at once. I used to drink this in high school like it was water. I might have even built up a tolerance at one point. Not so much anymore; only a few minutes later I get a slight tingle at the base of my neck, my head is a little heavier and I'm feeling really, really happy. And chatty.

"Okay guys, confession time! Who picked up who? I wanna know. When I was away at the bar, who grabbed who's ass first?" My mouth is already out of control and I'm speaking too loudly. I don't give a shit.

"Ssh, Alice," Edward says but laughs at the same time. He and Jasper must have had several drinks before I arrived and they're both already very buzzed.

"I saw Jas from across the room, I was trying to check him out but there were too many people in the way. I needed to get a look at the goods, ya know?" Edward slurs and Jasper nods his head dramatically in agreement.

"Oh yeah, you gotta know what's going on in the junk trunk," Jasper adds.

I burst out laughing. "Jasper, do you even know what you're saying right now?"

"No, ma'm. I'm sure I don't."

The three of us laugh hysterically – there might have been some hand slapping on the table. We are very, very close to being obnoxiously drunk.

"Okay, ssh guys, you're too loud!" I yell at them. "Alright, so you got a look at his junk trunk and then what?"

Edward wipes the tears from his eyes and downs the rest of his beer. These drinks are going fast and I couldn't care less.

"Then he busted me giving him the once over. He walked right up to me and asked me if I liked what I saw. I was blown away. No one has ever been so blunt before. I figured he liked to be aggressive," at which point he turns to look at Jasper and wiggles his eyebrows suggestively. "So I told him the truth."

"You sure did. He said, 'I very much like what I see. And I want nothing more than to take you home with me.' I have to say, it was a major turn on to meet someone who could be so honest and so confident in themselves," Jasper adds.

Then of course they kiss, and kiss again and I have to clear my throat to get their attention. At least they have the decency to look embarrassed when they come up for air.

"I'm going need more liquor," I state.

A few hours and many, many drinks later.

The three amigos, which we've officially named ourselves, are totally piss drunk. I've fallen out of my chair a few times. Edward's spilled a full beer on the table and I can barely understand anything Jasper's saying because his southern accent has suddenly turned Spanish.

"Listen to me, guys," I shout to them, trying to get their attention because they've fallen into a ridiculous fit of giggles over Edward's many nicknames for me. I'm going to kick his fucking ass when I get him alone.

"Be serious for one minute!" I pout and they finally start to control themselves.

My brain feels like it's floating on air nowhere near my skull.

Edward takes a few deep breaths, composing himself. "Okay, I'm sorry. What is it?"

I've become intensely aware of my surroundings now that our table has quieted, a lot of the other bar patrons are just as loud, if not louder than we are. But suddenly now that I've got the attention of the boys, it seems like everyone is looking at me. I'm a paranoid drunk. Great. I thought that only happened when I got high. I practically lay the upper half of my body on the table, trying to get as close as possible to them so I can whisper. "I just want to know something. Don't make fun of me, okay?" I open my eyes wide, trying to convey my serious state. I think I probably look more like a mad scientist than I do a serious person at the moment.

"Spit. It. Out. Midget." Edward bangs his fist on the table with each word and Jaspers doubles over with laughter. God damn it.

"Fucking shit, Edward. I hate you right now. Okay, okay. This is the thing. I'm really worried that, you know, this thing with Bella and me, that it's too much for her, and that she's going to cleave me."

All this talking has made me a little dizzy and slightly nauseous. I feel awesome.

"Senorita, why do you think she's going to cleave you?" Jasper asks loudly, his accent is terrible now, he sounds like a hybrid of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Elmo.

"Not cleave! I meant LEAVE. Jesus. I am so fucking drunk." I state the obvious.

Edward has his head propped up in the palm of his hand, his eyes are glossy and fluttering closed. He's so done.

"She's not going to cleave you or leave you, sweet cheeks," Jasper tries to convince me. "That girl is head over heels for you. She hasn't acted like this since...well, since...I have to shut my mouth now."

"Oh no you don't. No, no, no. Keep talking, mister. Since when?" He's not getting off that easily.

"Aw, Alice. Come on, honey. Please don't make me talk. She will kill me. Dead."

"I'll protect you. I know her weaknesses, Jasper. I will help you," I plead with him. I don't know how convincing I am with slurred speech and half-opened eyes but I hope it works.

"Darlin', what's got you so worried, anyway?"

"Because, I feel like a stalker. I want to be all over her, all the damn time. I can't control myself."

Out of nowhere, the young Mr. Cullen decides to rejoin the party.

"Ha!" He says his bobbing up and down. Oh God, he is beyond help at this point.

"What the..." I start to question what the hell he's shouting about, but he cuts me off.

"Has your heads been stuck so high, high up in the clouds that you haven't even noticed meeee? I've been up Jasper's ass for dayssss now!"

And the sip of beer I happened to be taking at that exact moment comes spewing out of my mouth and showers everyone within a ten foot radius.

Jasper lets out a howling laugh and when Edward realizes what he's said he lays his head down on the table and moans something I can't understand. I think he might be complaining about the room spinning and how we're both perverts.

"Where do you come up with this shit, Cullen?" I ask him. "You're depraved." I laugh at my own stupid remark. People are starting to stare at us now.

"Come on, Jas. Give me something. Before Edward chokes on his own tongue. Please," I say sweetly, batting my eyelashes.

"You are relentless, young lady," he says with a grin. Yay! I've got him.

"Fine, this is the only thing I'm going to give you, you hear? Everything else, it has to come from her. Deal?"

He sticks out his pinky and I try to grasp it with my own and miss. We try four more times. And then I give up and shake his hand.

"Deal. Now spill it."

"Alright, this is gonna be a toughie. I'm a little wasted."

A _little_ wasted. Hah.

"It's alright. Just try to remember." I sound like a crackhead begging for a hit. And I'm okay with that.

"My sister was madly in love not less than a year ago. She had plans to get married, they were gonna have babies and live their own little happily ever after. But Leah, the girl who broke my sister in two, was living a whole other life on the sly. Finding out, the way she did, almost killed Bella. That's why we're here, Alice. She had to get away, kinda like you and sleepy head over here," he says, a little more sober than when he started to tell the story, as am I.

"She hasn't said anything."

"She pretends like it didn't happen. It's her way, Alice."

"So this Leah cheated on her?"

"And then some. Fucking Leah," he says angrily.

I nod my head distractedly, trying to process what he's just told me. "Yeah, fucking Leah," I agree, ready to beat the shit out of someone I've never even met. Fucking Leah.

**A/N**

**The first order of business: Thank you to my betas MessyBar and Grrlinterrupted. And thank you to my pre-reader ColorTheEra, who lets me be her friend even though I'm like 100 years older than she is. ;-)**

**So, I know it's been awhile but I have a little present for you (err..I *will* have a present for you). Even though technically the holidays are over, I would still like to offer up a little gift to you for taking the time to read RLY. Stop by my profile and vote for the outtake you'd like to get in your box. I can't promise you'll get it before Valentine's Day, but you'll get it.**

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**XOXO**

**theswandive**


	8. Chapter 8 Overlap

**S. Meyer owns It.**

_i search your profile_

_for a translation_

_i study the conversation_

_like a map_

_'cause i know there is strength_

_in the differences between us_

_and i know there is comfort_

_where we overlap_

_come here_

_stand in front of the light_

_stand still_

_so i can see your silhouette_

_i hope_

_you have got all night_

_'cause i'm not done looking,_

_no, i'm not done looking yet_

_each one of us_

_wants a piece of the action_

_you can hear it in what we say_

_you can see it in what we do_

_we negotiate with chaos_

_for some sense of satisfaction_

_if you won't give it to me_

_at least give me a better view_

_come here_

_stand in front of the light_

_stand still_

_so i can see your silhouette_

_i hope_

_you have got all night_

_'cause i'm not done looking_

_no,_

_i'm not done looking yet_

_-Overlap, Ani DiFranco_

~Alice~

I find people-watching just as fascinating as the next person, but at two o'clock in the morning on a Tuesday, it's really fucking boring. The only other person here is a mom and her two kids, who are completely passed out, leaning on either side of her. She looks pretty uncomfortable - I feel bad for her. Mothers have super-human strength when they need it, though.

I remember always wanting my mom to carry me everywhere we went, even when I was way too old for it. I must have been so heavy. I would beg her and she would give in, even though my dad would tell her she was going to end up breaking something - or me. By the time I was four, I was practically half her size; she was a tiny woman. I don't know how she did it, she must have had a back made of steel. She always tried to give me whatever I wanted; it was one of her greatest qualities and one of her biggest flaws. It was okay for me to play on her soft spot when I was a child, but as I grew up and became an asshole teenager I plainly took advantage, and that is something I'll never forgive myself for. Memories of pushing her to give me money, or the car keys, pressuring her to let me stay out later than my curfew allowed come flooding back, making my chest ache with regret.

Once, I begged - with tears and everything - to go to a senior classmate's party. I was fifteen years old,and I shouldn't have been anywhere near it. I pulled out all the stops, telling her that she would let me go if she really loved me, that she shouldn't shelter me, and make me an outcast within my group of friends. Eventually, she backed down and let me go.

Of course, I drank enough to kill a small horse and someone called my dad when I wouldn't stop puking. All the drama I caused sent my parents in to fight mode, arguing about who let me go and whose fault it was that I was such a pain in the ass. It was my fault, it was always my fault. I was a spoiled, ungrateful little shit bag and I knew it. But I didn't care. Edward ignored me for weeks after that, which if I'm being completely honest, was a harsher punishment than being grounded for a month.

I hated it when he did that. He knew it drove me crazy not to have him on my side, and it was usually the only thing that would set me straight. For a while.

I could go on for hours reliving all the shitty things I put my family through as a teenager.

I can punish myself later, there's always time for that. Instead, I push the thoughts to the back of my mind and watch the arrival displays. I've been checking over and over again that Bella's flight is on time, which it is. It has been for the last six hours. I just like to be certain.

She doesn't know that I'm coming to pick her up. It's a surprise. That and the fact that I could not possibly wait another fucking minute to see her. I want to watch her walk down the corridor and I want to hold her tightly against me not one second later than necessary. My leg bounces incessantly, the anticipation of seeing her again is slowly killing me. I have those fucking butterflies in my stomach and I've been trying to reign in my nervousness. It's not like we haven't been communicating non-stop for the past few days. Once we finally were able to get a hold of each other the calls and texts became constant. She would send me cute little messages telling me she missed me and I would send the same back to her, or I would send her the little smiley kissy-face thing. She liked that, and in return I received a cleavage picture, which I liked a lot and thanked her profusely for. We were absolutely disgusting.

My brother was on the verge of tossing _my_ phone into the toilet because I constantly had my face glued to it, frantically typing away, ignoring everything he said. At night, I would hole myself up in my room while we talked until one or two in the morning about nothing in particular. And we had a lot of hot phone sex. Yeah. That was good stuff. Just thinking about her moaning into the receiver and how I could hear the rustling of the sheets as she made herself come had me squirming in my seat.

I check the arrivals again. Five more minutes.

I fiddle with the gift bag in the seat next to me. I was just going to hand her the book but Edward said I should wrap it. Uh, yeah, I don't know how to fucking wrap things. So we compromised and I put it in a gift bag. He had a ton of them in his closet for every occasion. It was weird.

I hear the announcement over the loudspeaker that her flight has arrived and the information about baggage claim. My heart practically beats out of my chest and anticipation spikes to an all-time high. I grab the gift bag and start to walk toward the exit where I've seen other people coming out, assuming that's where she'll be. My palms are sweaty, which is really gross, so I wipe them on my jeans. I pop another breath mint in my mouth because I plan on sticking my tongue in her mouth in the very near future, and I strongly believe in fresh breath.

I see her. She looks amazing. Her hair is down around her shoulders and she's wearing a long sleeve gray and white cotton shirt-dress thing with gray tights. She always looks so feminine without overdoing it. I love that. My heart swells at the sight of her, and I've never been happier in my life to be at the airport in the middle of the night.

When she looks up and sees me standing there, with a grin that's practically splitting my face in half, her eyes brighten and her cheeks flush pink. I know she wasn't expecting me and is therefore surprised, but the reaction makes my body hum with excitement. Her smile is shy and possibly nervous? How could she be nervous to see me? We're only steps away from each other now, and I drop the bag to my feet and pick her up off the ground, hugging her to me as tightly as I can. I inhale her smell and she holds me tightly to her.

"Hi, I missed you," I mumble into her hair as she slides down my body. There's not a single inch of space between us and even if it looks like we're making out in public, I don't care. I can't let go of her.

She rests her forehead on my mine, and exhales deeply, with her arms around my waist. "I missed you, too. What are you doing here?"

"I'm picking you up."

"But you don't own a car, Alice."

"I know. I brought my own private L train. It's very spacious - I think you'll like it."

She giggles at my lame joke and moves her head back, eyeing me up and down. It's really hot when she does that. "You didn't have to do that. It's really sweet of you."

"To be honest, I couldn't wait another second to see you." Slowly and delicately, I press my lips to hers, and even though the kiss is chaste it's filled with flaming desire. I feel her chest rise rapidly against my own, and her hand wraps around my hip,slowly sliding further down my body until she's dangerously close to grabbing my ass.

"Bella, what are you doing?" I whisper against her mouth, questioning her inappropriate hand placement in public.

"I need you."

"I need you, too."

"No, I _need_ you. Right now," she insists. There's a commanding tone to her voice and it makes me want to bite her or growl or something.

_What the hell? _

"Okay, let's get out of here," I say and nod toward the exit. "We can grab a cab and be at my place in thirty minutes."

"No, you don't understand," she says, trying to get her point across. She leans in and whispers in my ear. "Baby, I'm so horny, I can't even stand it. I was dying on the plane ride. Take me into the bathroom. Right. Now."

I know my eyes must be wide as saucers and my mouth is surely hanging open. Holy fucking shit. I'm keeping her forever.

"Bella, are you sure? I mean, I'm all for it, but what if we get caught?"

"I'm sure. No one's here, we won't get caught. Even if we do...who cares?" Her look is challenging and my competitive nature takes over.

"Mmm, come on. There's no way I would ever say no to that."

I grab the bag at my feet and her rolling suitcase in one hand, taking her hand in the other. I practically drag her through the airport until I find a women's restroom at the end of a deserted hallway. Pushing open the swinging door, I abandon her gift and her suitcase and pull her into the first stall. Thankfully, it's clean.

Bella was giggling as we raced to a secluded spot, but now that we were in this enclosed space she attacks me like some kind of sex-crazed animal. She slams me against the door, her mouth is on my neck, her hands are unbuckling my belt, and I can barely keep up with her pace. I find the hem of her dress and bunch it up around her waist, sliding my hands underneath. I moan at the feel of her warm, soft skin under my fingers and the perfect way her breasts fit into my hands. She cries out when I flick her erect nipples with my thumbs.

Her hungry kisses travel from the spot just under my ear, along my jaw, and finally to the place where I want them the most - against my own mouth. I don't hesitate to slide my tongue along her bottom lip and she whimpers at the contact. I kiss her deeply, both of our hands stilling for just a few moments as we reconnect in this most intimate of ways. Something about tasting her, feeling her tongue glide along mine, and her quiet whimpers sends my body into a frenzy of unrestrained desire.

I want her in every way so badly.

After fumbling with my belt and unbuttoning my jeans, she snakes her hands under the waist band of my boxers. Before I can register what's happening, her fingers are there - right there. We groan loudly in unison as she slides them between the folds and feels for herself just how she affects me.

"God damn," she growls. "You're so wet for me. I fucking love that."

"I want your fingers inside me. Please, Bella."

"Mmmm. Baby, is this what you want?" she asks coyly as she drives two fingers inside me.

"Oh, fuck." I no longer care if anyone hears us or catches us. This feels too good to care.

Our lips never disconnect, and as she pumps her fingers inside me, she bucks her clothed pussy against my thigh, desperate for friction. Without giving it another moment's thought, I mimic her movements and plunge my hand inside her tights. Jesus Christ. She's not wearing any underwear. I almost come at the sensation of her bare - very, very bare - pussy against my fingertips. I break the kiss for a moment to catch my breath and ask her a very important question.

"When?" I ask breathlessly.

"A few...days ago...how can you talk right now?"

She thrusts her fingers harder. I moan louder.

I find my way to her center and she's really fucking ready for me. I tease her entrance for a moment, causing her to growl once again under her breath. We must be making so much fucking noise; I can't even imagine what people who are walking by must be thinking. The sounds coming from the both of us are animalistic and desperate. We should never be apart for this long, ever again.

"Alice, fuck me right now. I'm going to explode if you don't."

As I pull her hand out from inside my jeans, shock registers on her face. Now it's my turn. I grab her wrists and push her against the opposite wall, holding her arms above her head with one hand. I pull her tights down far enough so that I have easier access.

"Put your leg up on the toilet seat."

"Alice, please," she begs again.

"I'm going to fuck you, but I want to see you," I explain.

"I knew you'd like that," she says sweetly. "I did it for you. You really like it?"

Fuck. Me. She has to know what that does to me. It's the sincerity in her voice that sends me reeling.

"Oh yeah, I like it," I assure her, as I let go of her arms and drop to my knees, my pants falling past my ass. I don't care that I'm on the floor of a random bathroom. I have to taste her.

"Yes, yes, please," she begs before I even touch her. My one and only goal is to make her come so hard that she forgets her name.

Shouldn't be a problem.

Her hands instantly move to my hair, kneading and pulling. It stings but feels amazing. First I kiss her left, and then her right, hip, and look up at her through my lashes. Her eyes are hooded and glazed over, then she licks her lips and bites down. I hold her stare as I snake my tongue out and lick along the exposed folds, right above her clit.

"Uhhh, yes, that's it."

Her entire body shudders, and I have to press my arm against her middle to hold her up right. I go back for more; she tastes just like I remembered - a mixture of girl, and skin, and sex. I use my free hand to separate the sensitive skin and press my mouth against her clit, licking in circles just above where she wants it. Her head bangs against the wall and her fingers pull even harder at my scalp.

"Fuck, shit, fuuuuck," she chants over and over as I tease her relentlessly.

I lap at her flesh, suck on her clit, licking as much of her pussy as I have access to. I leave no stone unturned. She's moaning and wailing like she's being tortured and it is exactly that - sweet torture. I don't know what's come over me, but I feel possessive and aggressive; I want her to remember what it's like to have my mouth on her, inside her, all over her. It's almost instinctual to want to satisfy her. When she presses my head closer to her pussy I moan, the noise vibrating against her skin. Knowing she can't get enough gets me wet and makes me want to fuck her harder.

So I do.

I don't tease, I don't hesitate. I slam three fingers inside her slick entrance and barrel through her like a fucking freight train. A low, deep groan emanates from her. I pound my fist against her until she's screaming that she's coming. Her climax shatters her composure and she doubles over, holding my head against her stomach. The aftershocks of her orgasm cause her to tremble in my arms. I slowly stand up, holding my arm around her waist. She falls limply against me and I hold her there until her breathing evens out and she finally raises her head and looks at me.

"You just fucked the hell out of me."

"Yeah, sorry. I don't know what happened..." I trail off, wondering if I pushed her too far.

"Do not fucking apologize. I really, really needed that." Her eyelids are drooping and she has a lazy smile.

"Anytime," I say with a wink. "Ready to go home?"

She starts to agree and then stops abruptly. "What about you? I didn't get to finish," she pouts.

"It's okay. Really. I was just looking forward to kissing you, so I got a lot more than I expected."

She pushes at my shoulder playfully. "Don't make fun of me. I thought I was going to die if you didn't fuck me soon."

"I could tell."

Her pout deepens. "Alice," she chides.

"I'm sorry, I'll stop. I just can't help myself sometimes. You know I love teasing you," I admit as I lean in and softly kiss her lips.

"S'okay, I love you anyway." She slurs the words against my mouth.

I freeze. Bella lays her head on my shoulder and now I can't see her face. She's so out of it that she obviously doesn't realize what she's just said. I swallow harshly and decide to ignore it, for now.

"Hey, come...come on. Let's fix you up and get out of here." My voice is shaky and quiet. I can barely disguise the shock.

"Mmm hmmm, okay," she says drowsily. However, she doesn't move. I don't think anything I'm saying is registering at this point. Taking matters into my own hands, I pull her leg off the toilet seat and pull her tights back up around her waist, and then pull her dress back down over her hips. The entire time she's still standing but her head is against the wall and her eyes are closed. Blissed-out Bella is a beautiful sight. I can't help but chuckle at how thoroughly I worked her over.

Mentally, I give myself a little pat on the back. _Good job, self._

With only a little effort and promises of "real food", I'm able to get her outside and hail a cab. Thankfully, because it's almost three o'clock in the morning, there's barely any traffic as we leave the suburbs and head back into the city. During the short ride, Bella cuddles up against my side and I drape my arm over her shoulder, my fingers play with the tips of her hair. For a brief moment, I thought she'd fallen asleep, but then she began to play with the fingers of my free hand. Softly gliding her finger tips across my palm, slightly tickling the overly sensitive skin, I sense the need to touch, to feel one another. I can only speak for myself, but I'm just happy have her next to me, to feel her warm breath fan across my neck, letting it soothe me.

Although I feel mostly contented and blissful, I struggle not to think about what she'd said to me just minutes ago. I try to push it from my mind but I can't. It's annoying me and nagging me; a voice inside my head tells me to let the words wash over me and to bask in them.

I can't help but question if it's possible to love someone this fast. We're obviously infatuated with each other, and have great chemistry - sexually and otherwise - but love? I don't doubt that everything that comes out of her mouth is honest and sincere, so why would I think this would be any different? What if I turned the tables on myself? Do I love her? Does this constant pang in my chest and the undeniable urge to be with her every second mean that I'm in love with her? I don't even have to think twice. I know that I do, and I know that I am.

"You okay?" she asks quietly, breaking me away from my thoughts.

"What? Yeah, I'm fine."

"You keep sighing."

"Oh, it's nothing. Just thinking, that's all."

"Can I be the annoying girl and ask you what about?"

"No, you may not be the annoying girl," I tease and look down at her, still snuggled into my side.

"Fine," she huffs. "Are we almost home?"

"I guess you're not going to ask for permission to be the annoying child though, are you?"

"Nope."

I squeeze her closer to me and kiss the top of her head. "Five more minutes and we'll be at my place, and then I'll feed you." I ignore the curious eyes of the cab driver; maybe this is the first time he's seen two women holding each other in the back of his cab. I can't blame him, I'd be staring too. Our whispered conversation ends and in no time we're pulling up in front of my building.

Standing side by side as we ride the elevator, I ask her for the tenth time if she's sure she wants to stay here and not go home.

"Alice, I've already told you, I _want_ to stay here. I don't have to work tomorrow and I wanna to be with you." Her voice trails off quietly as she moves to stand in front of me, slightly pinning me against the wall of the elevator. She's looking at me from under her lashes, and her perfect pink lips are artfully pouted.

"You're insatiable," I say, completely amused by her rampant libido.

"I know."

"Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining."

"I know."

She kisses me softly and I wrap my arms around her. She pushes her hips into mine and instantly I feel the excitement grow deep within me. Unfortunately, the bell rings and the elevator doors open and the spell is broken.

"Come on, sex kitten. Let's go inside." I grab her suitcase and she follows me, wrapping her arms around my middle and burying her nose in my back.

Having her body pressed against me, her arms wrapped tightly around me, and her hands deliciously close to making their way beneath the waist band of my jeans, makes it really fucking hard to concentrate on opening the front door. "Bella, you're distracting me."

"Am I?"

"Unless you want sleep in the hallway tonight, I would advise taking your hands out of my pants."

"I suppose you have a point, party pooper."

"Aw, don't pout. As soon as we're inside you can keep your hands in my pants for the rest of the night. Deal?"

"Deal," she says excitedly.

_Oh yeah, I love her._

I manage to get the fucking door open and we make our way inside, flipping on lights and putting our jackets in the closet. In my periphery, I see her slight smirk. Obviously, she's trying to hold back her laughter while watching me put everything in its rightful place.

"Don't even say anything. I can't help it."

"I wasn't," she defends, knowing exactly what I'm talking about. "See?" She mimics zipping her lips shut, and I can't help but smile at how she already accepts my quirks.

"Why don't you go sit down? I'll put your suitcase in my room, and then I'll make you something to eat," I offer, giving her a quick peck on the lips.

"You know how to cook?"

"The simplest answer to that question is yes."

"Hmm, interesting answer. I'll take my chances. Maybe I can help?" Her tired eyes brighten up and even though I'd love to indulge her in anything she wants, I'm gonna take care of her. And she's going to let me.

"No, I'm cooking, you're sitting." I raise my eyebrows and point to the couch. "Remotes are in the drawer under the coffee table. We have mega cable. Help yourself."

"Alright, alright." She gives up easily and I leave her to get settled. I drop her suitcase off right inside the door of my bedroom and as I turn to shut the door I hear muffled noises coming from down the hall. I tip toe to the end, and as I reach Edward's door the noises get louder. Just as I suspected, they're fucking. I don't need to hear this. I cover my ears and walk away as fast and as quietly as I can. When I'm finally out of ear shot I take my hands off my ears and stumble into the kitchen.

"Those two are worse than we are!"

Bella turns around and looks up at me from over the back of the couch, her eyes wide with wonder. "What's going on?"

"Our brothers are doing it."

"Ew!"

"Yeah, I know."

"You heard them?"

"Unfortunately."

"I'm sorry you had to go through that," she says with a grimace. "Is, um, Jasper here a lot?"

"No, I wouldn't say a lot. They seem to be pretty good about taking advantage of whoever has the empty apartment."

"So, they were at my place while I was gone?"

"Yeah, why?" I don't understand why she's so interested in the comings and goings of the dynamic gay duo.

"Just wondering," she says with a shrug. I walk over to where she's sitting, her back is against the arm of the couch, her legs stretched out and crossed at the ankle, remote in hand.

"You look like you belong here," I say quietly.

"I feel like I belong here." She looks up at me and my heart melts. I hover over her, and kiss her lightly at first, her hands grab my waist and she pulls me down on top of her. She scoots down the length of the couch so that we're lying flat and she makes room for me between her spread legs.

"I thought you were starving," I say against her lips.

"I am, but I want you more."

Her tongue peeks out and glides along my lips, sweetly asking for permission. Of course, I grant it. I want nothing more than to taste her; I can't ever get enough of that flavor. We kiss deeply, her soft lips passing reverently over mine. Finally, she's here, and I want to welcome her home.

She wraps her arms around me and slides her hands up underneath my shirt, caressing and exploring my back. Her cool, delicate fingers dancing along my warm skin cause me to shiver and writhe against her. She wraps her legs around me, crushing me to her. I let myself fall against her, no longer supporting my own weight. I break the kiss and brush the hair away from her eyes, and then hold her face in my hands.

I look into her sparkling brown eyes, searching for the right words, for any words to express what I'm feeling.

"What is it?" she asks, searching my face.

"Will you do something for me?"

"Anything," she says with a genuine smile.

"Make love to me."

I'm so frightened by my own whispered words that as soon as they leave my lips I bury my face in her neck. She brings her hand up to the back of my head, slowly running her hands through my hair.

"Oh, Alice. Of course. Of course."

My relief is palpable. I've never felt so vulnerable, or as naked as I did in that moment. I should have expected that my beautiful, kind, amazing Bella would say, _of course_.

Her chest is heaving, as is mine, and we've only just been kissing. Our need for one another surpasses rational explanation. All we can do is give in to it.

As she runs her fingers along every part of me that she can reach, I pepper her neck with feather-light kisses and run my nose along her jaw. I inhale the scent that now reminds me of home and fills me with unexplainable joy. My chest is bursting with emotion. This moment feels definitive. I don't know if it's because I missed her so much, or because in missing her, I've realized that I can't be without her. Whatever the explanation, it's there. I'm full - no, I'm overflowing with love for her.

"Sit up," she urges. I push myself up onto my knees and she lifts my shirt up over my head. "These too," she says as she pulls on the button of my pants. I watch her and she watches me. We strip ourselves down to our bare skin.

"Come here," Bella says with deep emotion in her voice, as she holds out her hand. Intertwining her fingers with mine, I take her hand and straddle her. Her hands trail across my stomach, over my breasts, and finally, massaging my shoulders. I never break eye contact. Looking at her only makes this better. I don't want to look away for fear that this spell we're under might be broken.

I can't help but slowly grind against her. I lean down and kiss her, our mouths tangling and colliding. I feel her fingers gripping my hips, urging me to roll them faster and with more pressure. She raises her own in perfect time so that her pubic bone hits my clit with each pass. I feel a tingling sensation begin to grow deep inside me.

It's perfect.

"Come closer," she requests in a whisper.

I crawl a little further up her body until we're as close as we can possibly be, the couch not allowing us much room to be any other way.

"That's good. Lift up just a little," she says as she lightly pats my backside.

As I lift myself off of her she snakes her hand between us and glides two fingers along the length of my sex, passing over my throbbing clit, and I lose my breath for just a moment.

I sink down onto her poised fingers. "Ohhh," I moan and begin to rock against her hand.

"Sshh, baby. You have to be quiet."

"Bella...this feels...amazing..." I trail off, each word punctuated by the rocking of my hips.

"You look so beautiful like this."

I feel like crying.

I close my eyes to calm myself, let my head fall back, and ride her fingers. I grip the top of the couch for leverage and she curls her fingers just slightly, hitting just the right spot. "Bella," I gasp.

"I know, baby. I know. Don't stop."

Her free hand massages my breasts, tugging lightly at my nipples, and then softly passing the pads of her fingers over them.

Every sensation, every touch, pulls me higher and higher to the precipice, where I'm positive that I'll be blown to bits.

The curves of her fingers hit every nerve ending inside me as I continue to rock and grind against them; I feel it now. It's closer. The tingling has progressed to a slow burn and now the flames are licking and biting at the depths of my core. I can't help it, I move faster and faster, chasing the feeling.

"So close," I cry quietly. I begin to bounce slightly and she curls and presses her fingers down - right there.

"Oh baby, yes. Come. It's okay, I want you to come."

"Ohhhh!" I moan loudly as I climax, not able to contain myself any longer. She holds her hand firmly against me, going as deep as possible.

Sparks fly and the muscles inside me cling to her fingers, begging for the feeling to never end. My legs tremble and I shake with the after effect of such an intense orgasm. I sit, perched on top of her for a few minutes, letting my breathing resume to normal.

Worried that her hand must be sore from being stuck in that position I lift up, letting her move it out from under me. At the first opportunity I fall against her, rolling us onto our sides. We don't speak. My throat is dry and closed off. I bury my head in her chest and we hold each other close, legs tangled.

I feel the slow trickle of a tear that's escaped and I can't bear to let her go, so I let it fall. The warm salty droplet splashes onto her forearm. I know she felt it, but she doesn't address it. Instead, she reassures.

"Sshh," she says, rubbing my back. "It's okay. I know. It's okay."

It occurs to me that in life there are moments that you're given to make the most of, and that this is one of those moments. I've been dreading this for days, worried about how I would be able to present myself in the most attractive light, while I explained myself. Laying like this in her arms, I can't waste this opportunity.

I speak into the dark, my cheek pressed against her warm skin. "Every single day of my life, I wish I would have done things differently. I beg for a chance to fix it."

"Alice, you don't have to..." I cut her off and she tangles her fingers with mine.

"No, I want to."

"Okay," she says and kisses the top of my head.

"I didn't mean for it to happen, Bella. I swear. I never considered that he would go that far. I thought it was an innocent fascination, a crush or whatever. If I'd known..."

"There was no way you could have known. He was unstable. You were just a kid."

"I played my part, though. I made the choices. Inadvertently or not, I tortured him. So he tortured me back. I'm responsible. Above all else."

"There's no one on this earth who would look at it that way, Alice. Do you know what _I_ thought when I overheard you telling Jasper what happened?"

"What?"

"I thought, that poor girl, she's caught up in a nightmare of someone else's making. You suffered the consequences of someone else's actions, not your own. Don't you see that?"

"I don't. I see a spoiled brat who wanted everything her way, who pushed her parents into despair and grief over her decisions. I see a selfish girl who took everything too far. So far, that she lost the two people who loved her most in the world. That's what I see."

"Baby..."

"Can't you see how I was responsible? With each bad decision and each selfish move, I sealed their fate." The tears are relentless.

"No, Alice. I can't see it. I will never see you that way. You made poor decisions but you did not kill your parents. I will never, ever believe that. Never." Her voice is confident and stern. She holds me against her tightly.

For the first time in my life, I let the possibility seep in. The possibility that, despite my major flaws, someone who doesn't have to can love me and forgive me. The understanding is a shock to my system. I've spent years of my life under the opposite assumption. A large part of me still believes that her feelings for me are blinding, and after some time, she'll eventually see things the way I do. For now, I'm willing to separate those two parts of myself and revel in the happiness she brings me.

"I feel like I don't deserve you, Bella. Sometimes I think you're a figment of my imagination, because you showed up in my life and accepted me – flaws and all."

"You deserve everything in life, Alice. You deserve to be happy and to be loved. And honestly, I don't think you're all that flawed." In a loving gesture she sweeps the hair out of my eyes.

"You just haven't spent a lot of time with me yet."

"Maybe." She holds me tighter and sighs deeply. My lame attempt at making the conversation lighter fails; she's not going to let me write it off with humor.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

"I don't want to pry."

"Please, pry. I won't have the guts to tell you otherwise – whatever it is."

"You can say no, if you want."

"I know that."

"Tell me about her."

"Who?"

"Tanya."

Now it's my turn to sigh. _Shit_.

"What do you wanna know?"

"Anything you want to tell me, I guess."

I take a deep breath and try to think of where to begin. "I mean, you heard some of what I said to Jasper, right?"

"I did, but you summarized for him, I could tell."

"Jasper's kind of the last person in the world I wanted to tell that stuff to, ya know?"

She laughs lightly, "I know. Can you tell _me_? Were you in love with her?" She's tentative but her curiosity wins.

"I honestly can't tell you if I was in love with her. Maybe it was infatuation? The only thing I was sure of was that I was addicted to her. I needed her, craved her. I followed her around like a puppy. It was disgusting."

"It's not disgusting. Maybe you did love her. You found someone you wanted to connect with, it's understandable. And you were a teenager with raging hormones, in the process of realizing you were gay. That's a hell of a lot of stuff to deal with."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right. A big part of my attraction to her was her attraction to me. She always told me how much she wanted me sexually. It made me feel high. I wanted to bottle up her words and get drunk on them. She was really good at manipulating me. Tanya was really good at manipulating everyone."

"What do you mean?"

"She had this way about her; she could charm the pants off anyone. I can't tell you how nervous I was the day she met my parents. I knew that Tanya was capable of sabotaging my relationship with them. She had so much shit on me and could easily tell them everything. I wouldn't have put it past her to do it, either. Just for fun. However, when I brought her home, I was completely freaking out on the inside, but she reassured me that she'd be on her best behavior. It was her best performance. She said all of the right things; everything about her was proper and mannered. They loved her. It was insane."

"It must have been difficult to trust her."

"It was, but I did anyway."

"And she strung you along, didn't she?"

"She did. I was positive that she was in love with me, and I with her."

"Maybe deep down she did love you, Alice."

"Maybe. I'll never know, and I don't care if she did. She treated me like a possession, and left me all alone when I needed someone the most. I'll never forgive her for that."

"Do you...blame her? For your parents?" Her voice is barely a whisper, possibly afraid of pushing me too far.

"I do. Not completely, but I do. It pisses me off that she didn't have to suffer like Edward and I did. So, I hate her for that. I know it sounds sick, but that's how I feel."

"It's not sick. She avoided the consequences of her actions. Like I said, you suffered them for her."

"We suffered so much, Bella. I will never forgive myself for what I put Edward through."

"Has he forgiven you?"

"He says there was nothing to forgive."

"And do you believe him?"

"I guess. Yes and no."

"Has he ever lied to you before?"

"No, he's ridiculously honest."

"He loves you, he doesn't blame you. I think you know that."

"You might be in the wrong profession, Miss Swan."

"If I had a dollar for every time I heard that..."

"I hope we're both talking about the same profession," I tease.

"Very funny. I guess that means you're done talking?"

"If that's okay with you, I'm kind of sick of hearing my own voice."

"But you have such a sexy voice, I love listening to you talk," she says as she rubs her foot along the back of my leg.

"Whoa there, cowgirl. Now it's your turn."

"My turn?"

"To spill."

"About?"

"Oh, come on. I told you about my shitty relationship, now, it's your turn. Tell me about Leah."

Silence.

"Bella?"

Silence.

I feel her heart beat through her chest.

"Never mind," I whisper. "You don't have to tell me."

"How do you know about Leah?" Her voice is void of emotion.

"Um, Jasper may have mentioned something about her when we were drunk."

"Oh."

"Seriously, it's okay. You don't have to tell me. I was just curious."

"What did he say?"

"Just that you were together and that she cheated on you."

I feel her body go rigid beneath me.

"Hey," I lift my head up and look at her face. She smiles sadly. "I'm sorry I brought it up."

I feel her relax a little and she cups my cheek with her hand. "Don't be. You didn't know. Unfortunately for your brother, I'll have to kill Jasper."

My heart stops racing at the wild scenarios going through my brain and I laugh nervously at her joke.

"I was going to tell you. I really was. I just wanted to wait for the right time."

"I understand. There is absolutely no pressure to tell me anything. Believe me, I wanna know, but I also want you to be ready and feel comfortable doing so. Okay?"

She nods her head and smiles a more genuine smile. "Okay."

"Good," I say against soft lips as I kiss her. She melts into me. I feel like we've made enough progress in the guts-spilling department for one night. "I don't know about you, but I'm done with the heavy."

"Me too," she says, biting her lip. Her hips press into mine and even though she's probably starving and exhausted, I know she wants to come.

"Mmm, looks like the sex kitten is back. Would you like to move this to my bedroom?"

"I'm way too comfortable to move. Can't we just stay here?"

"You do realize we're in my living room naked, don't you?"

"What's wrong with that?"

"There are two boys right down the hall who would have convulsions and die if they were to see us like this."

"Right. Blankets?"

"Good idea," I say and kiss her quickly. Awkwardly, I remove myself from the couch and grab a blanket from the trunk by the bookshelf. I run back to the couch and position myself strategically between her bent legs, tenting the blanket over top of us.

"What are you doing, Alice?" she says suspiciously.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I respond innocently as I dive right in.

"Yes...yes you do...oh god...oh god..."

**A/N:**

**Hee Hee...it was really hard not to keep writing that. Obviously, I have a smut-writing addiction.  
**

**Hi guys! Thanks for reading! **

**Time for my acceptance speech! (****If I could get Rob to dress up in his fancy suit and do it for me, I would. Just sayin.) Anyway, I'm rambling. THANK YOU to my betas MessyBar and angel_eyes1_uk for AN AWESOME JOB. You two are the **real** dynamic duo! As well, thank you to the best pre-reader ever, ColorTheEra. My head is ginormous b/c of you. **

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	9. Chapter 9 Manhole

**S. Meyer owns it.**

_i kissed you on the street that night_

_on the far side of four_

_but i didn't like the taste_

_in my mouth or yours_

_and ignoring the persona you wore for my benefit_

_for once i had the balls to call it_

_just call it_

_but a lesson must be lived_

_in order to be learned_

_and the clarity to see and stop this now_

_that is what i've earned_

_and maybe it was i who betrayed his majesty_

_with no opposite reality_

_like a puddle with no reflection_

_of the sky or the trees_

_but after my dreaded beheading_

_i tied that sucker back on with a string_

_and i guess i'm pretty different now_

_considering_

_i'm holding here a book_

_notable, but not the greatest_

_stolen for me by the latest_

_in a long line of thieves_

_and i'm just about to drop it_

_down that manhole of memories_

_when i realize it doesn't bother me_

_and heartache not so dire_

_cuz i looked up to see integrity_

_finally won over desire_

**Manhole, Ani DiFranco**

**~BPOV~**

Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

The faint noise continues in a loop as I slowly gain consciousness and float away from my dream. I keep my eyes closed in an attempt to recall it. I was walking in heavy, clean snow, with my head hanging down. The freezing wind whips through me and my hair falls against my face. Below me, scuffed old brown boots. One foot moves in front of the other. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. I was moving away from something. It's clear to me that if I turn around to see what's behind me I'll see nothing. A complete void. I can't remember anything else, but I don't really need to.

I open my eyes but my mind is still hazy, and I feel weighed down. It's only when Alice moves her arm across my waist, pulling me closer, that I realize the weight is real.

Her head is on my shoulder, and I get lost watching the slight flutter of her eyelids and the way her long lashes fall gently against her cheek bones. Her face is innocent and kind. You can't see how she holds the weight of the world on her shoulders when she's sleeping. I could lie here for hours, memorizing her skin and the number of seconds between each rise and fall of her chest.

Her bedroom is dark and quiet, but I can hear low voices and movement coming from the front of the loft. The twp of us have ensconced ourselves in this little bubble of our new relationship, and we've barely left each other's side for the past few weeks.

I've never spent so much time with someone other than a member of my family. We even brush our teeth in tandem. Of course, we shower together at every opportunity. My body is sore in the most gratifying of ways. Holding her hand as we walk through the grocery store makes me giddy; I feel like a teenager. I know it's what everyone calls the honeymoon phase, but for me, It doesn't feel like a phase. It feels permanent. I never want her to be far away.

I can't sleep without her anymore, and she claims the same of me. Other than the instances when time spent apart is inescapable, I find myself gravitating toward wherever she might be.

I look away from her, staring through the tiny slivers of window pane that show through each crack in the blinds. It's pouring rain, each tiny drop lightly tapping at the glass as it shoots across and falls away. Even at this early hour there should be some semblance of light, but not today. It's absolutely dreary.

My eyes roam around the four walls that surround us, each one painted a muted monochrome and adorned with framed black and white photos. I've never taken the time to appreciate them. I tend to be otherwise distracted when I'm in here. The photos vary from barren trees - the perspective making me feel like a small child staring up at the sky, to an empty city street - the pavement wet and glistening from rain. There's only one that includes people; a picture of Edward and Alice as children at the beach. She's hugging his waist and he's got his arms around her;. they're squinting from the sunlight and smiling like they've just won the lottery.

Everything in this room is gray, black, or white. She's stripped all the color from her life, and I know why. Bright colors imply happiness and light. She thinks she doesn't deserve it.

She's so wrong.

These are her mother's photos. I haven't asked her about them, and I don't know that I will - at least not while I'm still holding back parts of my own past. She told me that I could tell her when I was ready. She would wait for however long it might take. We'd never have to talk about it at all, if that's what I wanted. If I hadn't already been in love with her before - her selflessness and trust in me only solidified the feeling. We've not actually spoken the words, and that's fine with me, because I feel like I still haven't shown her all of myself.

Each day that I don't open up and let her in, the truth nags at me. What am I waiting for? It's the question I keep asking myself. It's dampened my mood, seeping into my every thought. She notices, Jasper notices. They ask me if I'm okay and I smile brightly and tell them I'm just overworked. I don't know if they fully believe me, but they don't push. Even Edward, who I adore but haven't really gotten to know, put his arm around my shoulder just yesterday and gave me quick squeeze. He said nothing, just looked at me, and smiled.

I'm not myself. I never let things like this bother me.

I did nothing wrong and there's no sin to repent for. She'll be completely understanding and utterly compassionate.

So what's the big deal?

I'm embarrassed. Still, after all this time, I feel stupid and ridiculous. I wonder if that will ever go away. The rest of me cringes at the thought of reliving it all, retelling the story, and re-opening those wounds. I'm extremely skilled at not letting the past enter my conscious thoughts. Lately, though, my skill has faltered. Here I am - depressed, lying in bed with the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I'm holding us back.

I take a deep breath. I'm way fucking stronger than that.

"Alice," I whisper in her ear, trying to wake her without startling her.

She doesn't respond at all, so I try nudging her. She's practically dead weight, half of her body on top of mine. I push her hair away from her face and then pass the back of my hand along her cheek. "Baby," I say a little louder. I try to squirm underneath her, and this seems to stir the sleeping beauty.

"Hmmm?" she mumbles incoherently.

"I'm ready now."

Her hand comes out from underneath the blanket, and she places it on the side of my face. It's warm and I lean into her touch. She kisses my neck softly, leaving a chilly trail wherever her damp lips meet my skin. Her hair is sticking up everywhere and it tickles my cheek. I feel her slide her knee between my legs, grinding herself against my thigh, and the flames ignite. The feel of her skin on mine is something I'll never take for granted. Something I'll never, ever tire of, but she's misunderstood me. It kills me to stop her.

"No, Alice..." I say between heavy breaths.

"What?" She says, her voice deep and groggy.

"I didn't mean...ready for _that_. I meant..." I trail off, not knowing how to say it.

"Oh." She raises her head and looks up at me. Her eyes are soft and understanding. "You don't want to have sex? I'm sorry. I thought..."

I take her face in my hands. "No, no. Don't apologize. Normally, I would say yes, but that's not what I was talking about."

"I'm confused," she admits with a lazy smile.

"I know. 'Ready' may have been a poor word choice on my part. I, um...what I meant was that I'm ready to _talk_. To tell you about Leah."

Her eyes widen almost imperceptibly, and she pulls herself up into a sitting position against the head of the bed. Alice crosses her legs, and drags her hands up and down her face. She's wearing her brother's boxer shorts and my Forks High School gym t-shirt. The girl has a serious clothes-borrowing problem, otherwise known as stealing. On her wrist is the hair tie I left here a few days ago. She's been wearing it non-stop.

I sit up, too, mimicking her position. I reach my hand out and trace the black band around her wrist. "Where's _my_ friendship bracelet?" I tease.

She drops her head down, smiling,and embarrassed. "My hair is too short. I don't own these kind of doohickeys."

"I think it's sweet that you wear it. It gives me butterflies when I see you playing with it." When she looks back up at me, I lean in and kiss her lips. My heart races.

"Are you sure you're ready for me to know this?" Alice says against my lips. She pulls me closer to her, forcing me to crawl into her lap. "Bella, don't do it on my account. Believe me - I'm really curious, but I also like pretending you were virginal before you met me."

I lean my head against her chest and play with the hem of her shirt, smiling as she holds me close. "Yeah...I'm sorry I can't say that's true." Alice's body shakes gently as she laughs. "I just don't know where to begin. I've never told anyone the specifics...besides Jasper."

"That's simple. Start at the beginning. When did you meet her?"

She couldn't be more perfect. Alice always tries to make everything easy for me.

"The summer after I graduated high school. Instead of going to Texas to visit his dad, Jasper stuck around. He was hanging out with this guy Jacob, who he liked to jam with," I say, using air quotes. I wouldn't exactly call what they made music. "They would hang out in our garage, Jacob banging away on drums and Jasper playing his guitar. Mostly they would get wasted and tell lame jokes.

I spent most of my time with them, learning things I was too young to know about, but it was probably the most fun I'd ever had. They treated me like one of the guys. I had my first beer and my first joint that summer," I reminisce, a smile playing upon my lips. "And even though Jasper and Jacob were complete opposites in every way, it was never an issue. Being in such a small town, that kind of acceptance was a rarity. I would know, considering I had zero friends."

"What? How is that possible?" Alice asks unbelieving, obviously thinking I was the same girl then as I am now.

"I was a social nightmare in high school. I never hid anything about myself, or played the part like all of the other girls. I wore my heart on my sleeve and a rainbow flag on my back pack. I knew I was gay when I was pretty young, about twelve or so. One day I talked to my mom, told her what I thought, and she bought me books."

"Books? Like, to explain your gayness?"

Alice's coming-out was probably different than mine. I think pretty much everyone's was different than mine.

"Yeah, she went to Seattle and bought them at a feminist bookstore. They were hysterical. I think one was called, _There's Something I Need To Tell You_. I felt like I was about to confess a murder or something. Regardless of how weird they were, it helped. My family was very accepting."

"Wow. That's the strangest book title ever. And your mom is a saint," Alice blurts and I see her cringe a little at the word choice.

"It's okay. I know you know. Jasper can't keep a secret to save his life. I'm not ashamed of her for cheating on my dad. I won't ever understand her actions, but I've learned to forgive her. Which I think is pretty much how my dad handled it. I guess I'm a lot like him in that way."

"I'm sorry, Bella. I'm not judging her. She sounds like a great mom."

"She is. She made a mistake. We all do, right?"

"Right," she says with a nod. "Wait a second. Jasper only went to Texas in the summer?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Why the fuck does he have an accent?"

I roll my eyes. "Don't even get me started. He thinks it's sexy. Apparently, so does Edward. He has a slight accent in reality - he tends to exaggerate. It's so embarrassing. I've tried to make him stop."

She shakes her head and chuckles. "I bet Edward loves it. Those two freaks are made for each other."

"You got that right."

"I'm so glad you're normal," she says jokingly. I stick my tongue out at her like the adult that I am. "Sorry to interrupt. Proceed," she adds with a wave of her hand.

"So, anyway, I was the lonely, weird little tag-along, and the boys put up with me. Eventually we got bored of the garage and of each other. Jacob thought that having a bonfire down on the beach would be a great idea. He'd bring his buddies from the reservation, Jasper and I would bring ourselves - instant party."

"Sounds fun. I've never been to a bonfire," Alice chimes in.

I turn my head and look up at her. "Are you serious?"

"Um, yes?"

"Oh, Alice, we'll have to remedy that - and soon. Have you ever been to the ocean?"

"Nope."

"That is so wrong."

"I agree. You need to take me sometime."

"Definitely." I'd love to take to her Forks, to the beach, and to meet my family. It would be like the real kind of relationship that I've always wanted.

"So...the party? You're killing me here with your chaotic story telling."

"Okay, okay. Keep your pants on," I chide. "So, um, the bonfire's been going for a few hours, and there are only a few of us left. I'm sitting next to Jasper, warming my toes by the fire, sipping on crappy beer, and watching the waves crash against the sand. I'm pretty lost in my own little world thinking about how beautiful the water is at night, and I see her. I swear she appeared out of nowhere.

"The way she carried herself moved me - so lithe and with such purpose. She was breathtaking – muscular, but not overly so. Her presence was dominating but feminine, and it was pretty alluring. Something came over me. I had to force myself stay put, and not walk up to her like I had some kind of dorky crush.

I watched her stroll along the shore line with Jacob. They were having an animated discussion or a disagreement. I don't really remember. All I could think about was finding out who she was, where she came from, and what I was going to do to get to know her. There wasn't anything that was going to stop me from talking to her, even if I ended up looking like a fool. I was instantly attracted to her."

Chancing a look up at Alice, I see a little bit of anguish in her eyes. It must be very difficult to listen to this. I want to give her the opportunity to back out now, because it's only going to get worse.

"Are you okay?" I ask her tentatively.

"Me? Yeah. I'm fine. I mean, it sucks to hear you talk about someone else like that, but I know it's the past. I'm a jealous meat-head so just ignore me."

"Well, coincidentally, I adore jealous meat-heads." I try to soothe her possibly wounded ego, and ask again. "If you're sure..."

"Hey, you had to listen to me talk about Tanya the Horrible."

"This is true," I agree.

"So you're answer is I'm sure, baby. Go on."

I take a deep breath and begin again. "Eventually, Jacob brings her over and introduces her. He asks if I wouldn't mind keeping her company while he borrows Jasper to get more wood for the fire, and of course, I say I will. We made a little bit of small talk, but I didn't have the slightest idea what to say to her.

"I was intimidated from the get go, before she even opened her mouth. She just seemed wiser, more experienced, and maybe a little bit dangerous. Combine that with how gorgeous I thought she was - her perfectly tanned skin, jet black hair, and dark eyes - and I felt small and unworthy in comparison.

"Leah was very sweet. She asked me easy questions, and laughed in all the right places when I tried to make a joke. Maybe she picked up on the fact that I felt awkward, at that moment, she did her best to make me feel comfortable, and that was something that made an impression on me. The only people in my life that ever went out of their way to accept me were my family. Having this woman I was ridiculously attracted to - do the same, it was overwhelming and exciting. I never wanted that feeling to end."

Alice takes a deep breath and shifts a little. "Can we lie down?" she asks.

"Sure." I move with her and lay on my side, my back to her front. Quietly, I ask, "Are you upset?"

"I guess I didn't think you'd tell me _everything_. Your voice changes when you talk about her. It's like wistful, or something..." She trails off.

I turn to face her. Cupping her cheek with my hand, I look directly into her eyes and tell her the truth. "Listen to me. I feel nothing for her anymore. Please believe me. You're the one I want to be with. No one else. It's just a story."

She looks away momentarily, and then meets my gaze. "I believe you. Can I make one request, though?"

I eye her skeptically. "What is it?"

"Maybe stop talking about how pretty she is?"

"Oh." I'm caught off guard. I didn't realize I was doing that. "I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean to get carried away" I say, genuinely sorry. However, at the same time, it's so hot that she's jealous.

"Why are you smiling?" She asks with a mock glare.

"No reason. I guess I kinda like it that my girlfr...uh, that you get jealous." Shit. Did I say that out loud? Oh well, it's about frigging time.

"What's a 'girlfr'? Some kind of new-fangled term the kids are using?" She's such a little shit.

"No, smart ass. I meant to say girlfriend. That's what you are, isn't it?" I raise my eyebrows in challenge.

She rolls her eyes a little and pretends to think it over. "I suppose girlfriend will do. I can't go around introducing you as the girl I like to fuck, now, can I?"

"Alice!" I laugh and shove her shoulder.

We play fight for a few moments, and then she flips herself on top of me, straddling me, and staring me down.

"Alright, stop fucking stalling. Let's get this over with. Tell me what the hell she did to you, so I can hate her properly," she says forcefully.

I can't help it; I'm totally turned on.

I bite my lip, and immediately, she pulls it away from my teeth with her thumb. "Now," she adds.

"Fine," I say with a huff, returning to our previous positions..

"We talked for a really long time. It wasn't until I found myself shivering that I realized it was almost morning. She offered me her jacket, and that's when I knew. I had a slight suspicion that she might be into women, based solely on the fact that she spent the whole night talking to _me_ when there were a crap load of hot beefy men at her disposal. _And_ she kept checking me out. The chivalrous jacket-offering sealed the deal.

"Jasper had disappeared on me, possibly on purpose. I asked Leah if I could get a ride home, and she said she had a better idea.

"I followed her back to her truck, and without another word we left together. I was incredibly nervous going home with her, but there was no way I could have turned her down, either. Even if all I really did was just crash on the couch.

"We went back to her house, a rustic little ranch that she shared with Jacob. She showed me around, holding my hand the entire time. I followed her like the little lost puppy that I was, and she took me to her bedroom. It was the first time I ever had sex. Afterward, she made us breakfast. She was very nonchalant about the whole thing. I certainly got the impression that this kind of situation might be a norm for her, but I didn't let it bother me. At the time, I wasn't even sure how I felt about any of it. I needed time to let it all sink in."

I remember how thrilled I was after meeting Leah. It must have been so obvious how desperate I was for her attention.

Alice kisses the back of my neck. I want to stop now and tell her to forget that I ever said anything. I hate revealing this side of myself to her.

"Hey, it doesn't matter. Whatever happened is in the past, okay?" Her voice is sweet and compassionate. I nod in agreement and begin again.

"It didn't take long for me to realize that I was hooked on Leah, with having sex with her, seeing her. I wanted to be with her every moment. It was overkill, but it was my first crush, my first sexual experience. I couldn't help how I felt.

"I called her a lot. She didn't always answer. We had a sort of unspoken agreement, I guess. After a few days of my insistence, she would sneak in my bedroom window in the middle of the night, fuck me, and then leave. I was okay with it. I really was - for a while. I constantly told myself that it took time for two people to find their groove. I berated myself for wanting so much so quickly, and constantly tried to hold myself back from spouting off about being girlfriends and going on dates.

"After several months passed, I started getting sick of it. I brought up how I was feeling to Jasper, who didn't hesitate to tell me he thought the whole deal was total bullshit. What started out as me venting, ended up with me defending her and making arguments for why she acted this way. He was so mad, said I was blind to her real motives, and that if I had any respect for myself, I'd tell her to fuck off. That's pretty much verbatim."

"I have to say, I do love your brother, almost as much as my own. He's always looking out for you," Alice says quietly.

"That he is." I think about all the things he said to me about Leah, and how he told me not to short-change myself. I ignored his advice, and I suffered for it.

"During one of our nights together, right around the beginning of winter,I started whining about how I only ever saw her after dark, and how she never asked me over to her house. I told her I felt like her dirty secret. I mean, we hadn't even been seen in public together.

"The simplest things were not an option for us. She said that she didn't do that kind of thing, that it didn't fit her personality to be committed like that. I begged her for a relationship, for something more. I wanted exclusivity and girlfriend status. I wanted to be by her side, supporting her and doing all the things a person does for someone they love. And I did love her,silently, without acknowledgement, and definitely without reciprocation.

"So I cried and cried, and eventually, she caved. The scene I made was pathetic, but I was desperate.

"She gave me a little taste of what I really, truly wanted. I was able to label us, and see her during daylight hours once or twice a week. I slept in her bed - which was something I had been craving. It was a rare occasion, but it was better than nothing.

"I always felt like it was forced on her part, and that I was infringing on her personal space, but I pushed the feelings aside. It went on like this for almost two years. I did whatever she asked,gave her all of myself, and she gave me sex.

"She was sweet to me, sometimes. She would tell me I was beautiful, or sexy, and always reminded me how much she loved fucking me, but never anything deeper or more meaningful.

"If I asked why we couldn't go to the diner for ice cream, or to Port Angeles to window shop, she'd fly into a rage, and accuse me of trying to stifle her and make her this cookie-cutter person that she could never be. And wasn't everything she had already given me enough?"

Eventually, I stopped asking.

"None of this went unnoticed by my family. I was at war with them over my relationship with her. I hadn't planned on ever giving my mom and dad any details because, deep down, I knew they wouldn't approve, but Jasper opened his big fat mouth and told them what was going on. They immediately went into protection mode. Understandably.

"I told them that if they didn't support my relationship with Leah, then they didn't support me. We had a huge fight - it was horrible. I said so many nasty things, brought up my mom's cheating right in front of my dad and Jasper. I really hurt them. I was out of control, though. I had absolutely lost sight of what a normal, healthy relationship was supposed to be like. All I could think was that they saw Leah as the enemy, and I had to protect her. I never thought that I was the one who needed protecting from Leah."

"Baby, I'm so sorry. You know I want to kill her, right?"

I laugh with little humor. "I know you do, because you're a good person. It's the same with Jasper. He loathes her and gets all riled up at the mention of her name."

"It's because we care about you, and because you're an amazing woman who deserves so much more than that. Much, much more."

I turn towards her and kiss her, whispering, "Thank you."

"You're welcome, Bella." We kiss softly for a few moments. In the back of my head, I'm wondering if it's even necessary for me to go on. She'll only hate Leah more, and then what will she do with her anger? There's no place to put it because Leah's out of my life now.

"What happened after you had it out with your family?" Alice asks, answering my question.

"I ran away. I went to the only other place in the world I knew - Leah's. Except that when I got there, she had company. I saw the motorcycle parked in front of the house, and vaguely remembered seeing it once before, but next door. I didn't think anything of it, really. I walked right up to the front door, tears streaming down my face. My heart was racing in my chest, I was praying to God that she would comfort me, and not be cold and distant like she could sometimes be.

"When I walked in, the house was quiet, none of the lights were on, but I knew she had to be home considering the door was unlocked and the bike was in the front. I called out for her once, and as her name left my lips, I heard the sounds. Moans and grunts coming from her bedroom. My heart dropped through my stomach. I was on auto-pilot, I remember my feet moving , my hand opening the bedroom door, and then I saw them.

"Jacob was fucking her up against the wall, and from what I could tell, she was loving it. They were both yelling each other's names and the worst part was when she said, 'God, I love you, Jacob'.

"I started crying then, and once she realized I was standing there, Leah started yelling at me, and asking me what the fuck I was I doing. I stood frozen to the spot. It wasn't until they untangled themselves and Jacob moved to grab some clothes that I started backing away from the bedroom door. I wanted to run, but I couldn't move fast enough.

"I maneuvered my way through the hall, then the kitchen, and finally to the living room where I banged my shin on the corner of the stupid coffee table; I could barely see where I was going because I was crying so hard. Everything started sinking in simultaneously. It was like a light bulb went off, and I finally got it. All this time I had been a burden, she didn't want to be with me the way I wanted to be with her. I couldn't fathom why she put up with me. Why didn't she just tell me to stay away right off the bat? Wouldn't that have been easier than keeping her real life a secret?

"I was completely humiliated. Even still, I tried to back track and apologize for showing up unannounced, but the anger on her face said it all - she didn't give a shit what I had to say.

"I begged her to tell me why she would do this to me. Her only answer was that that Jacob was her fiancée and they were getting married in the Spring. I was only supposed to be a one-night stand, but she felt bad when I kept calling, and if the sex hadn't been so good, she would have gotten rid of me earlier.

"Maybe, just for the sake of adding insult to injury, or simply because she was a horrible bitch, she also added that it turned Jacob on that she was having sex with me.

"I was speechless and my heart was broken."

I realize that I've been talking incessantly, not giving Alice any time to respond or to let it all sink in. I stop to collect myself, wiping away a few stray tears.

"Come here," she says and rolls me toward her, letting me bury my face in her shoulder. She rubs my back, soothing me, and shielding me from these terrible memories.

My mouth against her skin, I mumble, "I'm okay." I take a few long, deep breaths, trying to disintegrate my anger. There are no more tears now; it's only a matter of remembering that I'm a different person now.

"I know you are, but I still wanna hold you." Her words send an overwhelming pang through my chest. If anything is going to make me cry, it's this. There's nothing better in this world than being in her arms, fiercely protected from anything that might try to harm me.

I burrow into her body, f trying to become one with her, but never quite getting there.

"So, what are you thinking?" I whisper, cringing at my own question. I know it's the cardinal-whiny-girlfriend-sin, but I need to know.

"A lot of things, I guess."

"You haven't really said much..."

"I'm afraid to say much."

"I wanna know," I say.

"Mostly I'm wishing for Leah to end up in the darkest levels of HelI. I'd like to kick her ass too, but that may be overstepping my boundaries a little."

"Nah."

"Oh, well, in that case..." she jokes.

"So, is that all?" I'm pushing for more, because her opinion matters more to me than anyone else. She's barely given me any sense of her feelings.

"I think I just need some time to process it all. I'm definitely angry, I know that much." She hesitates, and then asks, "Can I ask you something, though?"

"Yes, anything."

"Why were you so reluctant to tell me?"

I squirm a little. It's hard to admit out loud, and even harder to admit it to her. "I guess it's because I feel weak and stupid. It's not how I ever wanted you to see me. Sometimes, I get the impression that you think I'm...I don't know...perfect? That I don't have any flaws. As much as I'd love for that to be true, it's not. I was so embarrassed - I still am. It's the reason why I left Forks. In a small town everyone knows your business, and it makes me cringe to think how they must have looked at me.

"Leah could twist the story any way she wanted, but essentially, I was the freaky lesbian who tried to worm her way into her and Jacob's relationship. Things between Jasper and Jacob deteriorated very quickly, and I felt like that was all my fault, too."

I tried not to think of it as running away, but essentially that's what I did.

"Who did Jasper beat the shit out of? Jacob or Leah?"

I laugh. "Jacob. Jasper is a southern gentleman. He wouldn't ever hit a girl, even a nasty one."

"Too bad," Alice say.

"That's what I thought, too."

"Bella?" Her tone has quickly changes from joking to serious.

"Yeah?"

"I never once thought any of the things that happened between you and Leah were your fault. You weren't weak or stupid. You were young, and in love with someone who was completely wrong for you. Anyone who thinks differently is an idiot. And Bella...of course I think you're perfect. You're perfect for _me_."

I swallow harshly and hold back the tears. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." She holds me tightly against her and kisses the top of my head.

We're quiet for a little while, but I can sense she's after more information. I hear the sounds of her starting and then quickly stopping herself, preparing to ask me a question.

"What is it?" I ask.

"I'm curious. How did you go from that - I mean, feeling so used and hurt, being devastated - to...well...you? The way you are now."

"I don't know, really. I was fully prepared to go home and wallow in my pain, to do the typical broken-hearted girl thing..The day it happened, I couldn't think of one single thing to say to her in return, so I just walked out the door. As I made my way through the snow, still crying and staring down at my boots, I realized something.

"None of it was ever real. That's why I had nothing to defend myself with - there was never any "us" to defend. It was all a fantasy of my own making. She had never promised me anything or told me she loved me. I was the only one who kept the charade alive. Leah was always distant with me, never laughed or joked around; we never had deep meaningful conversations. Honestly, the only time she ever showed me anything of herself was during sex and _that_ was purely physical. She never once made love to me.

"Not like you do," I say quietly, my eyes averted. When I do look up and meet her stare, her green eyes are penetrating. "You've been the only one, Alice."

Now more than any other time, I wish I could read her thoughts - to know what she makes of what I've just admitted.

She brushes the hair away from my face and gives me a crooked little smile. "I like that."

I blush and look away, feeling giddy and lovestruck that she takes pride in being the only one that I've had that kind of connection with. "I like it too," I say, meeting her eyes again. She kisses me harder this time. I missed the feel of her warm, soft lips against mine in the few hours we've been talking. It's instantly comforting.

While we're kissing, Alice begins to get a little handsy with my ass, and as much as I like it,I bring her back to the matter at hand. "No, no, no. Hold on there, cowgirl."

"What? Why?" she whines. "I've got the female equivalent of blue balls over here after you stopped me this morning."

"I'm not done yet," I say matter of factly.

"Alright, alright. Please continue."

"All I wanted to say was that I haven't been back to Forks since it happened. My parents were so angry. They went on and on about how I shouldn't get mixed up with people who don't have my best interests in mind, and how I needed to be more careful about who I dated. Charlie, my dad, kept insisting that he should go down to the reservation and have a talk with Leah. Eventually, he gave up. I mean, don't get me wrong, I know they were just upset because I got hurt, but I couldn't take the constant reminders. They're ridiculously overprotective of Jas and me sometimes."

Sheepishly she asks, "But don't you miss them?" The slight hint of pain in her voices practically kills me. I must sound like such an ungrateful asshole.

"Of course, and he misses them, too. I've actually agreed to a visit...and I want you to come with me."

"Bella, I don't...are you sure? I mean,I don't know..." She trails off, her face contorted into a grimace.

"Stop it. Yes, I'm sure. You're not going in front of a firing squad, you're just meeting my parents. It won't be a big deal at all. I know they'll love you. And Edward, too."

"Edward's going?" This seems to pique her interest.

"Jasper is going to ask him, so if he agrees, then yes, he's going too," I say and pat the tip of my finger on her nose.

"Well, that'll help shield some bullets, I suppose."

"Don't be sarcastic. It means a lot to me," I say, trying on a pout to see how far it gets me.

"That's not going to work. I'll go, but not because you're making that face."

I laugh and tell her it was worth a shot. She leans in for another kiss, and I think she's not going to let me talk anymore, but I'm surprised when she breaks away.

"Bella, I'm really amazed by you. I want you to know that."

"Why?" I whisper.

"Because you took a shitty situation and you turned it around. You came away from it a better person. I couldn't have done that."

"Yes, you could have. And you still can. You're stronger than you think, Alice."

"Maybe," she says with a sad smile. "Now that I have you, anything is possible."

"Layin' it on a little thick, aren't we?"

"What you do expect? Apparently, I have to literally charm the pants off of you."

"Sometimes girls need to talk about their feelings, Alice. You can't expect me to tell you such an emotional story and then turn on the sexy switch."

"Really?" she asks teasingly.

"Yes, really." Such a smart-ass.

"Do you have more feelings you need to talk about?"

"No, I suppose I'm all out." I sigh and start to turn over, trying to hide my smile.

"Woah, woah, woah. Where do you think you're going?" I think there is actual panic in her voice.

I fake yawn and tell her I'm very sleepy.

Before I can blink, she's on top of me, spreading my legs with her knee and grinding it against me. I try to stifle my moan, but I'm unsuccessful.

"You don't sound sleepy," she says with a raise of her brow.

"Maybe I lied."

"Dirty liar," she teases.

"Just dirty."

"I'll take it."

"Alice?" I ask seriously.

"What, baby?"

"Make love to me."

"Of course."

****OoOoOo****

**A/N:**

**Hey guys,**

**I'm so freaking sorry for the delay between updates. My only excuse is that ****I**** have none. I'd much rather give you something that comes naturally, rather than forcing out some bullshiz b/c it's been two weeks since my last update. ;-D **

**Anyway, ****I**** hope you enjoyed it – as much as one can enjoy angst. ****I**** personally love it, but these girls deserve some fun times – and they're coming. ****I**** promise. ;-)**

**Don't forget to stop by my profile and check out Red Letter Year: The Outtakes. Right now you can read The Whole Night in Bella's POV and there's another little surprise coming soon! Hee hee hee**

**Thank you (forever) to my betas: MessyBar, who uses her magical powers of logic on me daily, and Miss angel_eyes1_uk, who most definitely has her work cut out for her. Seriously.**

**Thank you so much for reading! **

**XOXO**

**P.S. Go Read PRESSED FOR TIME! It's in my favorites. It's perfection. **


	10. Chapter 10 Anyday

**S. Meyer owns it.**

_~Anyday~_

_i will lean into you_

_and you can be the wind_

_i will open up my mouth_

_and you can come rushing in_

_you can rush in so hard_

_and make it so i can't breathe_

_i breathe too much anyway_

_i can do that anyday_

_i just wish i knew who you were_

_i wish you'd make yourself known_

_probably you don't know i'm her_

_the woman you want to call home_

_i'll keep my ear to the wall_

_i'll keep my eye on the door_

_'cause i've heard all my own jokes_

_and they're just not funny anymore_

_i laugh too much anyway_

_i can do that anyday_

_have you ever been bent or pulled_

_have you ever been played like strings_

_if i could see you i could strum you_

_i could break you_

_make you sing_

_but i guess you can't really see the wind_

_it just comes in and fills the space_

_and every time something moves_

_you think that you have seen its face_

_and i've always got my guitar to play_

_but i can do that anyday_

_~Ani DiFranco_

**~Alice~**

"Bella…oh shit…I think…I'm gonna pass out…" I say, gasping between words.

"Only fifteen more minutes. You can do it."

She's running so fucking perfectly. Her back is straight and she's focused. Her high ponytail sways back and forth with each step. The only thing that's kept me on this goddamned death machine, otherwise known as a treadmill, is the view – of Bella.

"How the fuck...are you able…to talk…so easily?" The sweat starts to run into my eyes, and I momentarily panic, thinking about having to grab the towel draped over the machine, which will mean I have to let go of the safety rail.

"Lots and lots of training," she says knowingly. "It takes a while, but eventually, it gets easier when, you build up your strength and endurance. I've been doing it since I was fifteen."

She's not even fucking breathing heavily.

"Never…gonna get easier." I wheeze like a fucking chain smoker, my back is hunched over, and I'm barely able to keep my legs moving. I only wanted to prove that I could do it. I never said that I was going to do it _well_.

If I'm being completely honest, there's a slight possibility that I was sucking up by offering to come along.

Simply put, I _really_ don't think I can go to Forks. The idea of meeting Bella's parents scares the shit out of me, and she's not going to be happy to hear that I've decided I'm not going.

Bella's chipper voice, reminding me that there's only ten minutes of agonizing hell left, breaks me from my inner wimping out.

"Only ten?" I ask sarcastically. My fake smile is bright and cheerful.

"Oh, my poor little, out-of-shape Alice."

"You're making…fun of me." Yeah, I still can't breathe.

She laughs. "I'm not, I swear! I think it's sweet that you offered to come come work out with me."

"Well, ya know it's…no big deal. I was…just…gonna lift weights. Work on my…muscles."

I think I'm going to puke.

"Alice?"

"Yeah?"

"You don't _have_ any muscles, baby." She should definitely have that sheepish expression on her face. That was so rude.

"Jeez, Bella. Don't hold back. Tell me exactly what you think." I roll my eyes and pout.

I'm cranky. I'm sweaty. I wanna go home now.

Apparently, the sight of me is comical because she starts to laugh harder and has to slow down the speed on her machine. Eventually it stops completely and I follow her lead. I guess we're done now.

_Thank fuck._

I steady myself using both safety rails this time, putting my head down in an attempt to catch my breath. Where is this supposed runner's high? I think I got gypped – I got the runner's fucking rock bottom.

"You alright?" Bella asks sweetly, rubbing circles on my back.

"I'll live." I'm starting to feel like a whiny bitch.

"Part of me wants go all Nazi trainer on your ass and tell you to suck it up, but the other part thinks I should never, ever make you step foot inside a gym again." She shakes her head at me while holding back a smile.

"Second one."

She laughs again and kisses my sweaty cheek. "Come on, let's go home." I snap my head in her direction.

"Really?"

"Yep," she replies, winking. Bella grabs my hand, pulling me toward the locker rooms so we can get our stuff. She adds, "You're pretty whiny today…"

"Only because I've just been tortured."

On the ride back to her house, we sit side by side on an almost empty train. I lay my sweaty head on her shoulder.

"You won major brownie points today, if that's any consolation for your suffering," she says quietly, watching the brick buildings go by in a blur.

I can't help the grin. "Oh yeah?"

"Oh yeah. I never expected you to take an interest in what I do, much less participate." She looks over at me, smiling sweetly.

I take her hand in mine, intertwining our fingers. "I'm interested in everything you do, and I felt bad about the bubble thing. "

"It's okay, we talked about it and now we're fixing it, right? That's all that matters."

I nod my head in agreement. "Right. It's hard to break out of a routine, but I'm trying," I tell her. When she told me that she felt like we lived in a bubble, and wondered if I was wary of being seen in public with her – it killed me. I never wanted her to think I wasn't anything but extremely proud to be with her.

We were snuggled up together on my couch watching bad TV when my stomach starts growling. I nudge her and ask, "Hey, you want me to get some of those tasty Vietnamese sandwiches with the indistinguishable yet delicious sauce?"

"Uh, sure. Yeah, whatever." She sounds a little annoyed. What the hell?

"Well, we can get something else. It was just a suggestion," I offer, trying to make up for whatever wrong thing I did.

"No, no. Go ahead, I'll wait for you right here, on the couch, where I've been for the past two hours."

Uh…

Pulling her on to my lap, I ask, "What's going on?"

"Nothing," she says in a small voice. I don't believe her at all.

"Try again."

"I'm a little frustrated."

"Okay, by what?"

"You're going to be annoyed with me."

"Maybe, maybe not. Why don't you let me decide. Tell me what's bothering you."

She moves to straddle my lap and I panic because she's using her thighs as a distraction, so whatever this is – I'm not going to like it. Leaning in and resting her forehead against mine, she whispers, "I need to get out of this house, Alice. I'm going insane. Sometimes I wonder if maybe you don't want to be seen with me or something. I don't understand why we never go anywhere. See? I'm annoying."

My head falls back against the couch and I sigh deeply. I'm such a fucking idiot.

"Bella, you're not annoying. This is my fault. I'm sorry. I didn't even realize…"

"No, don't apologize. Please. I just…ya know…I know that you're a homebody, and that this is what you're used to," she says and shrugs. "I'm not used to it though. I need more than this little bubble we're in."

I nod my head and think hard about what she's saying. Instead of experiencing new things with her, I've somehow forced her into my hobbit hole. That's not what I wanted at all.

She pointed out that we'd never once been out on a real date, and I was a little shocked. I had thought about doing it, but never acted on it. I felt like such an ass, and berated myself for not remembering that she's new here. Why didn't I even consider showing her around? Being so used to locking myself up inside the safety of my home, it had never even occurred to me to venture out of it.

I only had to think about it for a second, and it was clear to me that I _wanted_ to do these things with her.

"You're right, Bella. You're not used to this and I don't ever want you to be. More than anything, I just want to be with you. I can fix this, I promise."

So, now I'm fixing it.

Gently, she pulls my chin up with her finger, forcing me to look up at her. "Hey, I know, Alice. We only talked about this stuff a couple days ago and now look at us," she says, waving her hand around, pointing out that we're not holed up in a bedroom. "Things are already different. Don't worry, I know you're trying."

I reach up, kiss the underside of her jaw, and whisper my thanks. This would be a good time to say it…but I'm so fucking scared. Instead, I use humor to lighten the mood. Shocking, I know.

"I hope you're not disappointed that I wasn't exactly a star pupil."

"You got that right," she says with snort. "Seriously, if you weren't my girlfriend, I would have pushed you way harder. And I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but that pouty face does things to me. It's so not fair."

"Oh, reaallllly?" I ask, wiggling my eyebrows. "Do you mean this face?" I give her my saddest pout ever and she rolls her eyes.

"Pretty much. I would have let you quit after about ten minutes. All that heavy breathing was turning me on, too," she admits. I can't tell if she's serious. Either way…

"Good to know." I smile smugly. I will file that information away for later use.

She shoves my shoulder playfully. "Shut up."

I lean over and kiss her cheek this time. "I appreciate that you didn't kick my ass."

"I know you do." She pushes my head back onto her shoulder, and we ride the rest of the way home in a comfortable silence.

"Just wait a frigging second, would ya?" Bella tries to sound annoyed but it doesn't work. Her giggling gives it away.'

"Here, let me try," I offer, taking the keys from her and opening the door easily. Maybe shoving my hands up her shirt was making it difficult for her to focus.

"Lose the grin, Alice," she says, sticking her tongue out at me. "You were distracting me."

"I was?" I ask dumbly, pushing her inside the apartment. I toe off my shoes as she's putting her keys away. When she turns around, prepared to give a witty retort, I attack her. I pin her against the wall and use my knee to spread her legs apart. She gasps at my aggressiveness but easily gives in. I hold her there, against the wall, with the weight of my body, and kiss her warm, salty lips.

"What's gotten you all riled up?" she asks, breathless.

"I missed your mouth," I say, slipping my tongue between her lips. I groan at the taste of her, and caress her tongue with my own.

"Mmm…it's only been a few hours, you must really like it."

I can only nod in response. Our kisses are lazy and playful, she sucks at my bottom lip and I bite back gently. Eventually, my hands move from her hips, traveling underneath her shirt. I lift up the tight cotton of her sports bra and palm her breasts. She moans at my touch and I feel the goose bumps form on her skin.

"I missed your tits."

She stops kissing me, rearing her head back a little, looking very serious. "It's been _days_ since you've touched them. I can't imagine the torture you must be feeling."

"I can't lie…the _non_-muscles of my arms are pretty sore from all the masturbating."

"Not my fault," she replies quickly. "Blame mother nature…ahhh…" She moans, arching her back as I tug and roll her nipples between my fingers.

Passion takes over; she holds my head in her hands and kisses me fiercely. I raise my knee and hold it flush with the wall. She gets the hint and lowers herself just enough to straddle my thigh, and begins grinding against me. The warmth that emanates from between her legs only heightens my need to feel her skin.

"Take your pants off," I tell her.

"Clean first…shower…too sweaty…" she rambles between kisses. Her hands are splayed across my ass, and she tries fruitlessly to pull me closer.

"Put your arms around me and hold on." I pick her up, bouncing her into place. She yelps and giggles as she wraps her legs securely around my waist. We never stop kissing as we move through the apartment. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking; I can barely lift fifty pounds much less an entire human girl. I have to use the wall for leverage a few times and she laughs, telling me to put her down before I kill us both.

I shush her and push the bathroom door open with her body. "Time to get wet," I say, like the giant dork that I am. I slide her down my body and push her up against the counter. "Stay," I command, pointing at her, and move to turn on the shower. She bites down on her lip, her eyes glazed over with lust, and then salutes me.

After I start the shower, I pull off my shirt, push my gym shorts over my hips, and kick them away, leaving me in nothing but boxers. I turn back towards her and press my body against hers, slipping my hand between her legs, pressing my fingers against her. She gasps and moans, surprised by my teasing. Grasping her by the hips, I turn her so she's facing the mirror.

We meet each other's stare in the mirror for a moment, and I have to smile and look away, finding our stance intensely intimate and probing. I leave a trail of kisses along the back of her neck. She reaches for me, weaving her fingers through my hair; when her head falls back against my shoulder, I take the opportunity to completely explore her body.

First removing her shirt, I press my hands against the warm skin of her stomach, and I can feel the quick inhale and exhale of her breaths as I become familiar with every inch of her skin. I run my fingers up and down the lengths of her arms and along her sides. She jerks and laughs when I hit a ticklish spot. I love making her laugh, but I love hearing her moan my name even more.

I kiss the freckles on her shoulders, and slide my hand beneath the waistband of her pants. I don't feel any other barrier and I realize it's because there is none.

I groan against her shoulder when I feel the bare skin of her pussy under my fingertips. She releases my hair from her grip and supports herself on the counter. She's breathing so heavily and whimpering with want as I touch her everywhere but where she craves it the most.

"Bend over and spread your legs, Bella."

She looks at me through the mirror with a mischievous grin. "What are you gonna do to me?"

I arch my brow, and without saying a word, I pull her pants down around her thighs and reach between her legs, placing my palm against her sex. She lowers her head, pressing her cheek against the cool marble. "Uhh. Yes, baby. Please..."

I use my fingertips to gather the wetness there, teasing her clit in the process. I lay myself against her back and then slip two fingers inside her. She cries out from the unexpected movement, and then pushes against my hand. I fuck her fast and hard.

"Oh, fuuuck, yes. Oh, fuck me, please. Yeah, like that…" She moans and shouts that she wants it harder.

"Bella, you've got quite a dirty mouth. Maybe I should deprive you of these fingers more often. I like this side of you."

"No, no, no. Never…stop…fucking…me…" she says between thrusts.

It's only been a week, but God, I've missed this. I get lost in her constant moaning and the sound my fisted hand makes as it slams into her. She braces her hands against the mirror to keep herself steady. I slow down just a little, when I feel the muscles in my forearm start to tighten against the strain.

"Don't stop…I'm gonna come…please…" she begs.

The thing is, I don't want her to come this way, lying on top of the bathroom counter. I have another idea.

"Not here," I tell her. I gently pull my fingers away, and she whines at the loss.

The steam from the shower is billowing in the small space, making it hard to breathe, but the heat only adds to the intensity of the moment. I pull her up off the counter, and turn her to face me.

"Come on, let me clean you up." I kiss her gently and pull her into the glass enclosure.

We stand under the spray, kissing and touching. She pushes the hair away from my face and says, "I can't believe you stopped. I was so close." She closes her eyes and dramatically drops her forehead on my shoulder. I wrap my arms around her, and glide my hands along the wet, warm skin of her back.

"I'm not going to leave you hanging. Don't worry. I have every intention of making you come."

"You better," she says haughtily. "Now clean me."

I laugh and grab the body wash from the bin that's attached to the wall. I squirt it into my palm and rub my hands together, creating lather. The light flowery scent permeates the air and I inhale deeply, memorizing the smell. She drapes her arms around my neck and I wash her – from her neck, to the small of her back, her ass, and down the backs of her legs. I continue to the front and massage her shoulders as I start again from the beginning.

"Uhng, that feels amazing," she mumbles quietly, while her eyes close and her body begins to go limp.

"Don't fall asleep on me," I joke.

"No way. Just feels so good…I feel like I'm high on your hands…"

Her dazed expression makes me laugh, and she opens one eye and purses her lips. "No stopping."

"Yes, ma'am." I continue, massaging and soaping her breasts. She moans softly when I trail my fingers across her stomach, then to the tops of her thighs. Her breathing picks up when I kneel in front of her. I cup my hands, and gather the suds that have begun to trail down her body.

She reaches down and tugs on my hand, urging me to touch her.

"Please, finish what you started. Make me come," she begs.

I nudge her legs apart, and kiss her stomach. Bella's hands are in my hair, gripping the wet strands as tightly as she can.

"Yes. Yes. Oh, God."

"Bella, I haven't even done anything yet," I say, teasing her.

"I know, but I'm going to die from spontaneous combustion when you do." Her voice is dripping with desperation and I can't torture her any longer.

I put my hand between her legs and spread the soap over her sex, sliding my fingers along the separation, teasing her clit, and making her cry out for more.

"Fuck, Alice. Please," she begs again, between gritted teeth.

After letting the water rinse away the suds, I lean in, pressing my face against her pussy. I slip my tongue out and tease her clit.

"Ohhh…yes. Oh, fuck…"

She spreads her legs farther apart for me and I scoot closer, practically underneath her now. I glide my tongue along the length of her pussy. Using my fingers to spread her apart, I dart my tongue inside of her. She bucks against me and cries out my name over and over.

"I'm gonna come so hard. Baby, please don't stop."

I hum against her, sucking and then rapidly flicking her clit with my tongue, causing her to jerk against me. The over-sensitive, swollen flesh reacts, and I can feel the firm nub against my tongue grow even harder.

When she suddenly goes quiet, it's my signal. She's so close. I slide two fingers inside her and she lets go of my hair, bracing herself with her hands against each wall.

"Oh, God. Oh, God!"

I pump them faster, harder, until she's screaming and doubling over from the intensity of her orgasm.

She stays in the same position, her chest heaving and her wet hair gathered around her face, as the warm water beats against her back.

My knees are sore from the unforgiving tile of the shower floor so I bring myself to standing and try to work out the kinks. I pull her against me, holding her as she comes floating back to me.

"Hey, you alright?"

"Better than alright. I needed that. Thank you," she says lazily.

I hold her up by her arms and smile at her silly expression. The water's gotten a little cooler and goose bumps begin to cover her skin. "Anytime."

I kiss her lips tenderly, slipping my tongue between them. She greedily devours it, showing me her appreciation

"You're cold," I say against her mouth. She nods and lays her head on my shoulder. "Go on, get outta here. I'll be done in a minute."

Her head shoots up. "What? What about you?"

"I'm good. Just gotta get clean." I nod my head in the direction of the shower door and she pouts. "Seriously. Go away. I'm gonna be blue by the time I'm done if you stick around."

"Fine, but I'm not done with you yet. Mark my words."

"Oh, I hope not," I say and kiss her again. I swat at her bare ass as she steps out and she yelps.

"Ouch! That was a wet slap!"

I just laugh and stick my tongue out at her, closing the door to the shower before she can lunge at me.

Even though the water is fucking freezing at this point, I take my time washing. I need to think for a minute. There's one thing that's been swirling around in my head - this undeniable need to tell her how I feel before she does it first – assuming she will. I can just feel it lately, in the way we talk, and the way we move together - it's for real. The phrase has been on the tip of my tongue and when the words start to form, I panic and they disappear.

Soon. It's going to happen soon. I can't possibly hold it in much longer, anyway.

I shake away the bubbling anxiety and focus on something else. Which is worse. Fucking shit. Why can't I just suck it up and tell her I'm not going? I answer my own question immediately. Because I'm fucking scared of disappointing her. I'm afraid of how she'll react. How could she be okay with me turning down the opportunity to "meet the parents"? I know what I would think if the tables were turned; I would think she didn't care enough to face her fear.

I have a better reason for not wanting - not being _able_ to go. If they never meet me, they won't be able to convince her I'm no good for her.

I finish washing, turn the shower off, and step out into now cooling space of the bathroom. I look around for a towel, or even my gross gym clothes, but there's nothing. I open every cabinet and drawer, looking for even a dry washcloth. What the fuck?

"Bella!" I yell from the bathroom. "Where are the towels?"

"Out here," she calls back.

"What? Bring me one! I'm freezing my ass off!"

"Just come out here, will you?" She sounds slightly annoyed. What the hell did I do?

"Fine."

I walk my naked ass out into the hallway, first looking both ways to make sure that there's no one else around. I wrap my arm around my chest and dash across the hall to her bedroom. I turn the knob, open the door, and the sight before me almost knocks the wind out of me.

The curtains are drawn, candles lit on every surface, and Bella is on her bed, naked, propped up on her elbows, legs spread. I should clarify. She's wearing black thigh-high stockings and her hair is wild and perfectly messy. She's a fucking sex goddess.

She points at me and curls her finger, requesting I come closer. I'm pretty much incoherent at this point so my legs move but my brain barely registers what's happening. She crawls up and onto her knees, pulling a warm towel from behind her wrapping around my shoulders, effectively drying me off.

"What is this?"

"I'm drying you, silly."

I shake my head, trying to reattach my brain. "I mean, what are you doing?"

"It's a surprise."

_Hmm._ Suspicious, I ask, "What kind of surprise?"

"A good one," she says playfully, biting her lip. I lean in and try to kiss her but she backs away. "Nope. Not yet."

"Aw, come on…" I whine in protest.

"Behave, and stay right where you are," she says and taps the tip of my nose. I give in and she crawls to the head of the bed – on her hands and knees. Did I mention she crawled _naked_ on her _hands_ and _knees_? Yeah. I'm wet already and I hope she's going to take care of that soon.

She reaches over, pulls an envelope out of the nightstand drawer, and places it between her lips. She crawls back over to where I'm standing.

"You need to do that more often."

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" she asks as she gets back up onto her knees. I nod my head dumbly. Of course I fucking would. "Here's your surprise," she says quietly.

Curiously, I unfold the flap of the envelope and pull out two long strips of thick paper. Tickets. I squint at them in the dim light.

"Really? Bella, how did you…"

"I have my ways."

"Sold out. I couldn't..." Nothing I'm saying makes sense. I just know that my heart is overflowing with emotion and so are my eyes.

"I know. That's why I got them for you, for us. We're going to see Ani. You and me."

"Bella. I don't know what to say." And I really don't. I feel a lump in my throat, and I know if I keep talking I'll cry.

"You don't have to say anything. I wanted it to be our first real date, ya know? Like dinner, and music, and stuff," she says and looks at me with bright smiling eyes.

"Yeah. I mean, thank you. This is an amazing surprise."

She pulls me down on top of her and the lump in my throat disappears.

"That was just the first part. There's more," she whispers in my ear and nips at the lobe.

I place the tickets on the nightstand and hover over her. "I can't wait."

She slides out from beneath me and I'm shocked by the quickness of her movement. "Where are you going?"

She reaches over to the nightstand on her side of the bed, opens the drawer, and pulls out the blue dildo.

_Oh, fuck._

I'm still on my hands and knees, and when I try to move, she grabs my hips. "Stay."

_Oh, fuck, again._

She positions herself behind me, and my head drops to the pillows.

_Hell yes._

She nudges my legs open wider with her knee. "You ready?"

"Totally fucking ready," I say, already breathless.

She slides her hand against my pussy - making sure, I suppose. "Oh, yeah, you're ready."

I feel the cold silicone at my entrance and I groan loudly in anticipation.

She fucks me. She makes me come three times. I'm the luckiest woman alive.

When I'm sated and spent, lying in her arms, I realize what a mess I'm about to make of the best thing in my life. I can't do it yet, though. I want us to have at least one perfect date before I ruin it.

It's the perfect kind of night to stand in a long ass line. The breeze is cool, but not biting. I've got Bella wrapped in my arms, standing in front of me. The endless chatter and laughter of everyone milling around fills the air. They're wired, excited to watch this tiny woman who has penetrated their psyches with her words, play her beautiful music for us. Myself included.

I kiss Bella's neck, and continue whispering my thanks for such an amazing gift. "You're a sneaky little thing."

She laughs and presses her ass against me – on purpose. I hold her to me with one arm, and snake my free hand inside her jacket and under her t-shirt. We've been a little over active in the sex department lately. I don't know what's gotten into me but I'm fucking horny twenty-four-seven. So is she. We can't seem to get enough of each other. Maybe it's because we're so good at it? I give myself a little mental pat on the back.

"Alice," she says, warning me as my hand ascends further up her shirt. She clears her throat. "We're in public, remember?"

"Yeah, yeah. Okay, killjoy."

"Fine. You want everyone to see my tits because my shirt is riding up, be my guest."

That changes my tune. "Point taken."

I stand next to her, possibly shielding her from view, and grab her hand.

"Have I mentioned how awesome this is?"

"Only four hundred times, but I don't mind. I love that it makes you so happy. And dorky." She wraps her arm around my waist and holds me close. 

Fucking finally, the line starts to move. The crowd is herded into the lobby, tickets are taken, and only the glow of the ancient chandeliers lights our way. I take it all in; I've never been here before. It's an old ballroom and you can tell it was once very beautiful. Too bad it smells like stale beer and piss.

Bella pulls me to the bar with her. "Beer?" she asks.

"Sure."

She holds up two fingers to the bartender and a few minutes later we're finding our seats. They. Are. So. Close. I stare at the stage, where I'll be about ten feet away from my first crush. I'm nervous. I really am a huge nerd. I can't believe how giddy I am. Leaning into Bella, I whisper in her ear. "How in the hell did you get these seats?"

"I told you. I know people."

"Come on. Who do you know?"

She scoffs. "Are you doubting my social status?" 

"Yes, actually. I am. Now spill."

"Ugh. Fine. I train the event promoter. I told him that, if he could get me these seats, I wouldn't make him do squats for a week," she rambles dejectedly.

I laugh heartily. "Wow, Bella. I'm impressed with your bargaining skills. "

She nudges my shoulder with her arm. "I'm still awesome. No matter how I got them."

"Most definitely." I agree, kissing her cheek.

When the lights on the stage come up and Ani walks onto the stage, the crowd erupts into applause and shouts of love. She's smiling beatifically, throwing her guitar over her shoulder, and diving right into the first song.

Bella and I sing along quietly to each other- at t least, to the songs she knows, which I am surprised to find out is a lot. We sway together, my arms wrapped around her from behind during slow melodies, and she bumps my hip when it's faster and more playful. We clap and whistle, and laugh at the witty-sometimes-nonsensical remarks coming from the woman on stage. When she recites her poetry, we stand still, listening reverently to each and every word. We ponder its meaning, trying to make sense of it.

It's one of the happiest memories I'll ever have. I know it. I'm pretty much bursting with happiness. I've got my girl in my arms and beautiful music in my ears. And it's time. Right now.

The slow, methodic twinge of the guitar begins again, and I know the song like the back of my hand. There will never be a moment more perfect than this.

_cradling the softest, warmest part of you in my hand_

_feels like a little baby bird fallen from the nest_

_i think that your body is something i understand_

_i think that i'm happy, i think that i'm blessed_

I sing it softly in her ear, and she leans against me, holding her hands on top of mine.

My heart races. My mouth opens, and this time, the words come out.

"Bella. I love you."

She tenses slightly, a tiny gasp leaving her chest. I try to bury my face in her neck but she whips around in my arms. Her eyes are brimming with tears and they search mine. She places her hands on my cheeks, holding me in place.

She shakes her head, like she can't believe it's happening.

"I love you, so much."

The tears fall and our lips meet. I don't want to put on a show, but I have to keep her as close as possible. I run my nose along her cheek and test out the words again. "God, I love you."

I feel her smile. "You make me so happy, Alice. I love you, too."

_'cuz i don't care if they eat me alive_

_i've got better things to do than survive_

_i've got a memory of your warm skin in my hand_

_and i've got a vision of blue sky and dry land_

As I let the words sink in, I curse Ani-fucking-DiFranco for being so damn intuitive.

I think I'm protecting Bella by not going to Forks, and letting her father interrogate me about killing my parents. I was positive that that seeing it from his point of view would sway her, make her see the monster inside me, but not now. I can't stay here and hide, like I've been doing for so long.

He can try to eat me alive, and make her think I'm not good for her - which I'm fairly certain will be the case. He can try, but I'll fight back. I love her, and now she knows it. So, I'll go and make my case; I'll fight for us, because I care enough.

"What are you thinking about?" she asks quietly in my ear.

"How I didn't ruin everything after all."

She smiles and looks at me like I've lost my mind. "You didn't ruin anything. It's a perfect first date."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

To the annoyance of those around us, we make out like teenagers, and I spend the rest of the night simply amazed by the fact that she loves me back.

****0oo00oo****

**A/N: Is it lame that I cried writing this one? It is isn't it? This story has turned me into a sap.**

**Gigantic thanks to my betas MessyBar & angel_eyes1_uk (who taught me all about panty hose) and my pre-reader ColorTheEra. The biggestest thanks of all to my lovely wife Lady_Ma_Ma who inspires everything good that you read here. **

**Hey – did you know there's an OUTTAKE and a FUTURETAKE for RLY? You didn't? Gah! Check out my profile then, because you're missing out on some hot and heavy Edward & Jasper lovin'. ;-) **

**Thanks for reading!**

**xoxoxoxoxo**


	11. Chapter 11 Up Up Up Up Up Up  Part 1

**S. Meyer owns it.**

**I just gayed them up. Enjoy.**

**PART 1**

_up up up up up up  
dances the steam from the sewer  
as she rounds the corner  
the brutal wind blows right through her_

_up up up up up up_  
_raises the stakes of the game_  
_each day sinks its boot print into her clay_  
_and she's not the same_

_and just when you think that you've got enough_  
_enough grows_  
_and everywhere that you go in life_  
_enough knows_

_and half of learning how to play_  
_is learning what not to play_  
_and she's learning the spaces she leaves_  
_have their own things to say_  
_then she's trying to sing just enough_  
_so that the air around her moves_  
_and make music like mercy_  
_that gives what it is_  
_and has nothing to prove_

_she crawls out on a limb_  
_and begins to build her home_  
_it's enough just to look around_  
_to know she's not alone_

**up up up up up, ani difranco**

**~Alice~**

"Why are you packing that?" I ask Bella while sitting on the edge of her bed, fascinated by her ability to stuff a month's worth of clothing into one suitcase.

"I like reading it," she says, not looking away from her packing, but I see her blush.

"What do you mean?" I lean over and grab the book from her hands. It's the Robert Frost collection that I gave her as a gift. It sits on her nightstand but I've never seen her read it.

"I don't know," she says and shrugs. "I guess I like to read it when you're not here, it reminds me of you. Helps me fall asleep."

"So I bore you?" I tease.

"No. Well, sometimes. Like when you go _on_ and _on_ about avocados."

I throw my hands up in the air. "They're two dollars for one! It's highway robbery!"

"Maybe if you didn't put it on every single thing you eat, you wouldn't be complaining."

"They're so good, though," I say dreamily.

"Is this what I have to look forward to when we're old and gray - you complaining about the price of fruits and vegetables?"

"Yep, so get used to it."

"Good thing I love you," she says absent-mindedly, while folding more t-shirts. My stomach still flutters each time she says it. I lean over and kiss her cheek.

She leans in to my kiss and then demands, "Now read me some poetry."

"Read it to you? Really?"

"Of course." She looks at me, grinning. "I think you have a sexy voice. Come on, woo me with pretty words."

"This is really cheesy, but I'll do anything to woo you," I say, laughing. Flipping through the pages, I skim the words, not looking for anything in particular, and then I see it. Clearing my throat and gathering my courage, I begin to read out loud.

"_Some say the world will end in fire,_

_Some say in ice._

_From what I've tasted of desire_

_I hold with those who favor fire._

_But if it had to perish twice,_

_I think I know enough of hate_

_To say that for destruction_

_Ice is also great_

_And would suffice."_

"Why did you choose that one?" Bella asks, her eyes searching my face. She can always see right through me.

"I dunno. Seemed fitting, ya know? With fire representing passion, and ice being a metaphor for hatred. Both of those things could destroy someone, right? I'd rather risk losing everything for passion and love, than for hatred or judgment."

"And that's fitting for what, exactly?" She moves closer to me, kneeling. I take her hands in mine.

"I have something to tell you," I say quietly.

"Okay, so tell me." Her voice is gentle and calm. She squeezes my hands in reassurance.

"I wasn't going to come with you. I was going to tell you that I couldn't go."

Her face falls and she looks hurt. Quickly, I try to explain myself. "What I mean is, in meeting your family, I would essentially be putting myself in front of the firing squad. Your dad knows all about what happened, Bella. He's going to hate me when he puts it together. I was afraid that his feelings would sway your opinion of me, and make you hate me, too."

"Alice, no. That would never happen," Bella responds, her voice full with conviction.

"Maybe not, but _I_ still blame myself, so it's not an impossible scenario that someone else – a stranger - would blame me, too. Being a cop, he'll know the grisly details - how we taunted James, and how we pushed him to the edge. He'll see me as a threat to you, as a bad person. Look how he flipped out over Leah, and she didn't even kill anyone."

"Alice Cullen. You did _not_ kill anyone."

I shake my head. "He might not see it that way, Bella. I have to be prepared for that. Anyway, I guess it doesn't really matter because I changed my mind. I decided I wouldn't let anyone's hate destroy us, no matter who it is. I love you too much to ever let that happen. I felt like I had to be honest with you, though. I don't ever want us to have any secrets, or to hold anything back from each other."

"Well, I wholly disagree with your theory that he's going to hate you. He's going to take one look at you and love you instantly, just like I did. You'll just have to see it for yourself," Bella states. Her face is smug. And adorable.

"Wait, you loved me instantly?"

"Do you always have to listen to _every_ single thing I say?" she asks sarcastically.

"I hang on your every word, didn't you know that?"

"Oh, shut up." She reaches out to smack me, but I pull her toward me, squeezing her hard. "Even though you read me a poem about destruction, you still managed to woo me. You're some kind professional," she says and kisses my nose.

Lowering my voice, I say, "Maybe I should advertise. Could be a new career move. Professional woo-er."

She rolls her eyes, ignoring my dorky comment, and says, "Thank you. For telling me, I mean. I would have kicked your ass anyway, but I'm happy that you decided to come. It means so much to me."

"I know it does."

**~oooOOOooo~**

I hate flying. When my family and I went on vacations when I was a kid, they doped me up with allergy medicine. It was that bad. In my mind, every jerk and bump is a symptom of one of the following scenarios: the plane is about to spontaneously combust, the right (or left) wing is detaching and no one knows it, or my personal favorite – the pilot is drunk and is going to crash us right into Lake Michigan before we even make it out of the state.

I know it's irrational, and that the chances are ridiculously low that anything will happen, but I can't help myself.

"Alice, stop bouncing your leg. You're driving me nuts," Edward says under his breath. Jasper is on the phone with his parents, confirming our flight information. Thinking about Jasper's parents isn't helping me either.

"Sorry." I start biting my fingernails instead. I look around the terminal for Bella. She went to get us some drinks before we board. I hope she gets booze. I could really go for some booze. Yeah, booze sounds good.

Edward slaps his hand down on my knee. He looks at me, his eyes wide. "Stop. You're freaking _me_ out and I'm not even afraid of flying. Did you bring the Benadryl?"

"Dude, that stuff only works on ten year olds. I need a real pill."

"Yeah, you do."

Fucking hell. I need to relax. Closing my eyes, I take several deep breaths, trying to calm the raging anxiety in my chest. I feel a warm hand circling my back and I lean into the touch. Bella.

Finally, she's back. Involuntarily, my body sways back and forth with the motion, reveling in the soft touch, except I start to wonder if Bella's fitness routine is starting to mess with her hand size or something. They're bigger than I remember, and really strong.

Her hand moves to my shoulder and starts to knead out the kinks, and without my permission, a soft moan escapes. Mortified, I open my eyes to see if anyone was paying attention.

Well, that's not who I expected to be rubbing my back. "Hey, Jasper. You're, uh, pretty good at that," I say shakily, attempting to play off my surprise.

"Thanks, kid. Sounded like you were enjoying it. Feel any better now?" I want to smack the smirk right off his face. But I won't, because he's really fucking good at massages.

"Tons. Take away the fact that you just made me moan in an airport and I'm just dandy." Edward's snickering laughter is slightly more irritating than normal because I'm already on edge.

I leave it alone, though, and choose not to fight with him like we're children. However, my new goal for this trip is to remember every embarrassing anecdote about Edward from our childhood, and tell any Swan I can get my hands on.

"What did I miss?" Bella asks cheerily, her arms loaded with bottled water and soda.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing," I blurt, giving Jasper and Edward the evil eye. They're giggling. They're stupid.

Bella arches an eyebrow, and looks at the three of us suspiciously. "I don't wanna know," she says, passing out drinks and shaking her head. She plops down beside me and wraps her arm around me. "You still freaking out?" She asks, her nose gently grazing my ear.

"Unfortunately," I say miserably, leaning into her. The warmth that radiates from her body soothes me slightly. "Can you hold me like this during the entire flight?" I squeeze her bare knee with my hand and thank the goddesses that she likes to wear dresses. I like her skin.

The warm breath that blows against my ear as she chuckles sends a shiver down my back. "I might be able to arrange that, but I think I have a better solution."

Curious, I turn to face her. "Oh? Do tell."

Bella looks around before pulling something out of her pocket and placing it in the palm of my hand. When I realize what it is, I fold my fingers over it, hiding it from view. "Bella, what the hell is this?"

"It's called Xanax. It'll help you relax, maybe even enough for you to fall asleep."

"Where did you get this?" I ask, incredulous.

"It's mine," she says simply. Oh. It's hers. No big deal.

I'm a little shocked to say the least.

"Uh, you take these? Regularly?" I try my best not to sound accusatory, or freaked out.

"Well, no not _regularly_. I have it just in case." Bella's facial expression gives nothing away.

"In case of what? I can't imagine why you would need a drug to control your moods, Bella. You're the most well-adjusted person I know."

"Not all the time, I'm not. Sometimes I just can't relax, ya know? I worry a lot." Her bottom lip takes the brunt of her confession, and I feel bad for making her talk about this in a public space.

However awkward the conversation, this is news to me, and I need to know why that's the case. I'm feeling very much like an oblivious, crappy girlfriend at the moment. "Bella, why didn't you tell me?"

Stumbling a little over her words, she says, "I...well, I don't know. I guess I didn't tell you because that's what my therapist is for."

I close my eyes, releasing a frustrated breath. What the hell? Shouldn't I have known about this? These are the things that I hate about being inexperienced in relationships. I'm assuming that she should tell me everything there is to know about herself.

Am I wrong here? Fuck if I know.

"Bella, I'm just...kind of blown away. I mean, a therapist?" I ask, a little too loudly.

Her eyes widen and she brings her finger to her lips, effectively shooshing me.

"Sorry," I say.

"Yes, Alice. I have a therapist. Lots of people do. After Leah, my self-esteem was shot to hell - I needed help, and she gave it to me. It's not a big deal."

"She?"

_Great, Alice. Can you be more of a stereo-typical dude right now?_

She bitch-brows me. I deserve it. "_She_ is Angela, and I think she's like 65 years old. So chill."

"Sorry. Again." I bring her hand up to my mouth, lightly kissing her knuckles.

She smiles at me knowingly. "You're ridiculous. You know that, right?"

"Fully aware."

She laughs, squeezing my hand in reassurance. "Don't worry about me, okay? I'm fine, really. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Honestly, I didn't think much of it."

"Maybe I'm just nosy, but I want you to tell me everything. Everything that you're comfortable with, at least. Deal?"

"Deal," she agrees, with a nod. "Now put the pill in your mouth."

She's so bossy. I do what she says, of course, and swallow it with a gulp of water. Her reassuring smile quickly washes away my fear of taking an unknown substance. I trust her implicitly, even though she just gave me drugs.

"So I don't have to worry that drug dealing is your side business?" I tease. "It _would_ explain all the bling."

"I don't even have any bling," she says, pushing my shoulder. "Not even earrings, see?" She pulls her hair up and away from her shoulder to show me her bare ears.

"Don't you like earrings?" I ask, rubbing the soft skin of her lobe between my fingers.

"I do, actually. But everything I have is either old, or missing its partner, so I usually just go without them," she says with a shrug.

"Maybe I'll get you some, hmm? Would you wear them then?" I can't stop the smile from forming; I like trying to make her happy.

"Of course I would. Just nothing weird, like ice cream cones or sunflowers."

"Uh, I was kinda thinking something a little more grown up." My heart speeds up a notch, wondering if she'll read into what I'm saying.

"Oh. Well, then, yes. By all means, buy my love with sparkly jewelry." She kisses my cheek sweetly and then intertwines her fingers with mine.

"Who said anything about sparkly?" I ask, pretending to be affronted.

Before she can respond, the overhead speakers announce that our flight is boarding. I look to my right and see Edward and Jasper gathering their carry-ons. I look back to Bella and she nods in their direction. "Come on, let's go."

I don't know if it's the pill kicking in already, or if it's because I'm surrounded by these three people in particular, but the usual panic I feel isn't there. I feel okay, a little light even, like I could float my way to the boarding gate.

Yeah, it's the pill.

**~oooOOOooo~**

I recall sitting in my seat and buckling the belt. I remember Edward telling me to have a nice flight, and me telling him to shut his mouth. That's it.

Now, my entire body is groggy. My head lolls from side to side. I want to open my eyes, I really do, but it's so hard. The chattering of voices is vague; I can slightly make out the one closest to me, and it's giggling. Then I feel a cool palm rest lightly against my cheek. Cracking open one eye, I see her face, and manage a smile.

"Hey, sleepy head," Bella says quietly.

"Mmmm."

She laughs harder now, cupping my face with both of her hands. "We're here."

We're here. Even in my half-conscious state, I recognize the gravity of those two little words. Six months ago, I'd have laughed in your face had you told me I'd be flying across the country to meet my girlfriend's parents.

Ha!

It makes me chuckle to think of it even now, when it's real and currently happening.

I blink away the sleepiness from my eyes, peel myself out of the seat, and go through the motions of exiting the plane. Trailing behind Bella, Edward, and Jasper, I'm on autopilot, attempting to push down my fear and anxiety. I focus on the three of them in front of me, not able to let the reality sink in that I'm a three-hour car ride away from Chief Charlie Swan, my biggest fear at the moment. If I'm this overwhelmed already, and we're only in the frigging airport, how in the hell am I going to manage the rest of this trip?

Edward turns to look back at me, and his face falls. He stops and waits for me to catch up. He hands Jasper his bag and walks with me, putting his arm around my waist.

"You're worrying for nothing," he says quietly.

"Who said I'm worrying?" I ask.

"Well, either you're worrying or you've just seen a Dementor. I didn't bring my wand, so I certainly hope it's the former."

"Does Jasper know about your extensive Harry Potter knowledge?" I tease him.

"He knows that I own DVDs and books, and that's all he needs to know."

"Yeah, right, you two read it together at night, and then role-play don't you? Who's Harry and who's Malfoy?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," he deadpans.

"You sick, sick perverts," I say, shaking my head. "Those are children's stories."

"Shut up, Alice." He pinches my side and I laugh, because how could you not? It's at moments like these when I feel bad for being so mean to him. I mean, sometimes he deserves it, but he honestly knows me better than anyone else. When you're as fucked up as I am about life, you need someone like that to keep you grounded, and keep you sane.

I don't want to put that burden solely on Bella. She doesn't need to see how truly fucked up I've been - or am. I feel pretty shitty about that, too. Especially since she just told me about her therapist. I don't know what to make of that information. I've seen so many of those quacks, especially right after my parent's death, and my opinion of them is not exactly high. Not a single one of them ever helped me. Constantly reliving and analyzing my worst moment isn't ever going to help me, and I don't deserve to "get past it", so there's really no point. I have to figure out my shit myself. That's the only way.

"Hey, you in there?" Edward asks, tapping my forehead.

I realize I've zoned out for a minute. "What? Oh, sorry."

"Bella and Jasper are getting us a car," he says and nods in their direction. I look over at Bella and she's concerned. Smiling nervously, she mouths the words, "Are you okay?"

I nod and smile back at her, winking. She shakes her head, laughing, and turns back to the desk. When I chance a look at my brother, I find that he was watching our exchange. He's sporting a stupid goofy grin. "What?" I ask.

"Nothing. I was just thinking how ridiculously lucky we both are. Finding them was a million to one odds, but somehow it still happened."

He's such a cheesy bastard. I should know, because so am I. "Maybe they found us," I suggest.

"Yeah, maybe they did."

**~oooOOOooo~**

Chicago has its moments, especially in the Spring and Fall months. During the Spring, the leaves of the trees lining the neighborhood streets are bright green and sway in the breeze. When October comes, they fall to the sidewalk in multitudes of browns and oranges. It gives a certain comforting feeling.

But this place...was something else. Once we made our way out of the bustling city of Seattle and onto the 101, the scenery changed drastically. The highway itself was something I'd never experienced, with its winding curves and mountainous landscapes. Then there was the sea. I've seen large bodies of water before; Lake Michigan is by no means something to scoff at - it's beautiful. The Pacific Ocean, however, was breathtaking. I couldn't take my eyes away from it.

Everything I see is just so...I don't know…so _pretty_.

Bella fell asleep shortly after we left Seattle, her head resting on my shoulder as we make our way to Forks. I guess she didn't get the world's best nap on the plane like I did. With nothing else to occupy my time, I stare out the window for miles and miles.

Jasper drove - he said there was no way he was letting Bella navigate this enormous tank of a vehicle. Out of the two them, I don't know whose idea it was to rent a Jeep Wrangler, but I'm guessing it wasn't hers. She didn't protest to his driving though, agreeing that she probably wouldn't be able to see over the steering wheel. Unlikely, but I want her back here next to me anyway.

Edward and Jasper were having a quiet conversation - one I can't make out over the low sounds of the radio. They were listening to some random college station. I feel out of the loop because I don't know a single song; apparently, not going to college will do that to you.

During the long drive, what struck me the most was how magnificent the colors were. Blues were the most brilliant shades of blue I'd ever seen, and the browns were earthy, not dirty and grimy like back home.

To say I was overwhelmed by all these foreign things, not only surrounding me, but also those that I had yet to experience, would be an understatement. It wasn't necessarily a bad kind of feeling - I was excited, too. Not to mention that I'm so curious, and nervous as fuck about meeting her family.

My inner sighing must not have been so inner because Bella stirs, and it catches the attention of the boys, too.

"What's going on back there?" Edward asks, his tone implying that we're doing something inappropriate.

"Bella was massaging my vagina," I deadpan. "Is that okay with you?"

"Good Lord," Jasper says, groaning the words. "Baby, please don't make her angry; I can't hear those kinds of things," he begs of Edward.

Edward whispers a sorry and agrees not to provoke me for the rest of the trip. Fat chance.

Bella's awake and shaking her head at my antics. She whispers in my ear, "You're so mean."

I pull her closer to me, wrapping my arm around her. I whisper back, "I get cranky when I'm in the car too long." I might be pouting.

"Aw, poor thing," she says, totally mocking me, in a disgusting baby voice and pursing her lips. I can only glare back at her because I deserve her teasing. "Hey, guys. Alice needs some entertainment," she says to the boys. "How about we play the Celebrity Game?"

"What's the Celebrity Game?" Edward asks enthusiastically, turning around in his chair.

"Just call him Perez," I say under my breath.

"I've seen your Internet browsing history, Alice. Don't be a hypocrite," he says smugly.

_Fucker._

"Alright, alright. Ding, ding. No more fighting, you two," Bella says, frustrated with our childish behavior. "Your poor mother..." She stops herself short, her eyes wide. I don't even realize what she's said until I notice that everyone in the car is waiting for my reaction.

"What?" I ask.

"I'm sorry." Her face is so sad. I hate this. I want to be fucking normal because I don't want everyone to walk on eggshells when the topic of parents comes up. That's bullshit, and it'll get old real fast. So, I decide, right then and there - If I want to be normal, I have to fucking act normal.

"Don't be sorry," I say sincerely. "You can say that stuff, I don't mind. 'My poor mother' is right. Edward and I have been fighting since we could form words. Even before that, probably. I bet he used to cuss me out in gibberish," I joke, trying to assuage her fears. She smiles at me sadly.

I glance at the three of them. Jasper has his eyes on the road but winks at me in the rear view mirror. Edward looks solemn, but it's because he's hurting too. He hides it better than I do - or maybe he _is_ past it. I really don't know. When I catch Bella's eye again, her head is cocked slightly and she looks like she's trying to figure me out.

_Good luck, babe._

"What?" I ask again.

"Nothing," she says, her smile not so sad now. I search her eyes for an answer. We're having a moment. I lean in for a kiss, and right before I reach her lips, the moment is shot dead by two giant assholes in the front seat pretending to gag at our display.

We both laugh and I steal a quick peck. "Let's play this fucking game before I lose it," I say.

"Alright, I'll explain it," Bella offers. "We'll take turns going clockwise. After I say a celebrity's name, the next person has to think of another celebrity whose first name starts with the same letter as the last name of the person I picked. Make sense?"

Edward is practically bouncing in his seat. "Yeah, yeah - we get it. Let's start." It takes everything I have not to comment.

"Okay," Bella begins, "Michael McDonald." The three of us burst into laughter. "Shut up, jerks. That's a frigging double. We'll see who's laughing when I beat your asses." She huffs and crosses her arms.

I'm not even sure how one could actually _win_ this game, let alone beat some ass. Of course, I'm not an idiot, so I don't say that out loud.

"Okay, kids. Let's not pick on little Bella. It's my turn now, right?" Jasper asks, winking at his sister through the mirror. All the fucking winking in this family - I'm starting to wonder if it's a disorder. Bella confirms that it's his turn and he clears his throat. "Molly Ringwald."

"Good one," Edward says, and then takes his turn immediately. "Robert Pattinson."

I groan, because I swear to God, if I have to hear about that guy one more time I'm going to gouge my eyes out. "You are obsessed!" I accuse him. "Do you ever think about anything else?" I ask, laughing. Then I laugh even harder when I think about the time I busted him on some freaky I-love-R-Pattz blog.

He turns around in his seat and he gives me the death glare. _Oh yeah, he knows what I'm thinking about._ I pretend to zip my lips, because I've been mean enough for one day. "Your turn," he says, eyeing me suspiciously.

"Parker Posey," I say confidently. Bella nods appreciatively.

"Nice choice," she says, high-fiving me. _We are so going to beat their asses._

**~oooOOOooo~  
**

Four hours of my life, miles and miles of beautiful landscapes, pit stops for junk food and bathroom breaks, hysterical laughing, and ridiculous conversations about what hot dogs are really made of are what make up my first ever road trip. With Bella next to me the entire ride, I wouldn't have had it any other way.

I'd heard so much about the dreary climate of this area from Bella and Jasper, but I was surprised to find it only rained a little during the drive. With the windows up on the highway it was impossible to tell what the air really felt like.

As we head into the tiny town of Forks, the sun begins to force its way through the clouds, but never really gets there. I roll down my window to let the air blow against my skin. I can feel the condensation in the air as we drive down a long, winding gravel road. With each crunch of the tire my heart plummets further into my stomach.

I've never been this nervous. Ever.

Bella squeezes my hand, and I squeeze back, but I don't turn to look at her. I can only stare out the window. Tree after tree lines the road and you literally cannot see through them; the lush green leaves and wide trunks block out all the light. I'm definitely fascinated by how completely opposite this place is from what I've known my whole life, but I'm also using it as a distraction. This place is peaceful, and that's perfect, because when I meet Charlie Swan the only thing I want to be is cool, calm and collected.

First impressions are everything, right?

I force myself to look forward and out through the windshield of the car. We pull up to an average, white two-story house. It's exactly what I imagined it to be - simple, warm, inviting, and very much a place that produced a girl like Bella.

He's standing at the edge of the walkway, arms crossed, moustache twitching upward in a goofy grin. She looks so much like him, the dark eyes, and dark hair. He waits for us to come to a complete stop, walks up to Bella's door, and opens it. She bursts out of the car and he envelops her in a hug so fierce I think that it might break her.

"Bells," he says gruffly, holding her close. "Welcome home."

It's almost too much.

Jasper and Edward get out of the car, leaving me looking like a freak sitting in a car all alone. I get out warily and walk around to where Bella and her father are standing. He's got his arm around her shoulders, and she's got hers around his waist. I guess it's hard not to stay close to someone you've missed that much.

Without letting go of his daughter, Charlie reaches for Jasper and hugs him, too. "I missed you, son," he says. This man's emotions are killing me. He's holding back tears, I just know it.

This touching scene leaves Edward and me standing next to the car, with nothing else to do but watch. It's slightly awkward.

The three Swans having reunited finally remember that we're standing there. "Oh, God. I'm sorry. Dad, this is my girlfriend, Alice. And her brother, Edward," Bella says, letting go of him and moving towards me.

"It's nice to meet you, sir," I say, holding out my hand. Edward follows suit, totally copying me.

"What's the matter with you two?" Charlie asks. I freak.

"Uh. I...um..." I babble.

"There's no way in hell you two are dating my kids and haven't realized that this here is a family of huggers," he says, quite seriously. He grabs us both and pulls us close to him, wrapping one arm around each of us.

_Holy shit_.

I don't know what comes over me. Maybe I'm in shock. Maybe I just really fucking miss my dad - I don't know. But I hug him back, and I hold on tight. 

**A/N: (It's a long one. TWSS)**

****Gets down on knees and begs for forgiveness****

**I am sorry. The amount of time between updates is absolutely unacceptable. I would say there is no excuse, but I did lose my job, which sucked completely. However, I did get a new one, and that is not at all sucky. Sometimes life gets in the way of our fun, right? Well it did mine. I appreciate your patience to the nth degree. For reals.**

**So as you saw in the beginning this is Part 1 of Chapter 11. It just got uber long and I decided to break it up. Part 2 is in the works.**

**I love you all for sticking with me, and I hope you enjoyed their little road trip. **

**Many thanks to my betas: MessyBar and angel_eyes_1uk, as well as the lovely HoochieMomma_ and ColorTheEra for prereading. Also, I want to give a shout out to TwiredJen for telling me about her **actual** Forks road trip, and for sending me the pretty pictures. **

**Next update – verrah soon. Promise.**

**xoxo**


	12. Chapter 12 Up Up Up Up Up Up Part 2

**S. Meyer wrote it. I gayed them up.**

**Enjoy.**

_up up up up up up  
dances the steam from the sewer  
as she rounds the corner  
the brutal wind blows right through her_

_up up up up up up_  
_raises the stakes of the game_  
_each day sinks its boot print into her clay_  
_and she's not the same_

_and just when you think that you've got enough_  
_enough grows_  
_and everywhere that you go in life_  
_enough knows_

_and half of learning how to play_  
_is learning what not to play_  
_and she's learning the spaces she leaves_  
_have their own things to say_  
_then she's trying to sing just enough_  
_so that the air around her moves_  
_and make music like mercy_  
_that gives what it is_  
_and has nothing to prove_

_she crawls out on a limb_  
_and begins to build her home_  
_it's enough just to look around_  
_to know she's not alone_

**up up up up up, ani difranco**

**Previously...**

_I don't know what comes over me. Maybe I'm in shock. Maybe I just really fucking miss my dad. I don't know. But I hug him back and I hold on tight._

**PART 2**

**~Alice~**

I'm well aware that I've been hugging Bella's father for longer than what is considered "socially acceptable", but I don't care. It's nice.

Someone clears their throat. It's him. I can feel the reverberations in his chest and take that as my cue to let go. I step out of his personal space and lower my eyes, afraid to see the facial expressions of those around me. "Sorry about that," I offer lamely.

Peaking over at Edward, I see that he's forcing his mouth closed to avoid laughing, and is shaking his head. _Jerk_. I know he liked it too. We haven't had a hug from a parent in years. Apparently I... we needed one.

"No apology necessary," he says smiling at me kindly. "Well, I suppose we should be somewhat formal about this... uh, it's nice to meet you, Alice. Edward," Charlie says, nodding at the two of us. "The kids have told us a lot about you both."

I look up at him, wondering what exactly he knows. "It's nice to meet you too, Chief Swan."

Edward chimes in as well. "Same here, sir. Jasper talks about you and Mrs. Swan all the time."

"Please, call me Charlie. Unless you're under arrest, that is," he says with a wink. Putting one arm around the shoulder of each of the boys, he says, "Let's get this party started, shall we? We've got bags to carry in." He leads them over to the trunk and they begin the tedious task of unloading our luggage.

Bella sidles up to me and I startle, not realizing she was so close this whole time. "See, I told you," she says quietly.

I pull her in front of me, wrapping my arms around her waist. "Told me what?" I ask, feigning ignorance.

"That he would love you, just like I do." She kisses me, soft and sweet.

I kiss her back, less soft, less sweet.

"Alice," she mumbles in warning against my lips. "We're in my parent's driveway." I like how breathless she's become, from only a few seconds of kissing me.

"Sorry," I say, lying. "I forgot."

She eyes me suspiciously. "No you didn't, liar. Come on, let's go inside. I'm sure my mom has prepared a feast."

"Oh, I hope so." My stomach grumbles right on cue. "I need real food; otherwise I'm going to barf Twizzlers all over your front yard."

The look of worry on her face is distressing. "Yeah, well, see...here's the thing. My mom _likes_ to cook, a lot, actually. But um, I wouldn't exactly call it edible."

I whimper. "Is there like, a Thai place or something around here?"

"You're so cute," she says, laughing. "This is Forks; we've got a diner and a pizza place."

"I can eat pizza for a week, that's not a problem for me."

"My mother would be destroyed if I suggested it. She lives to cook for us. You can't say anything about ordering food, or going out," she warns.

I put my hands up in defense. "Alright, alright."

Just as I'm about to lay another one on her, the screen door flings open, slamming against the siding.

"My babies!" A woman, who I assume to be Mrs. Swan, comes flying down the sidewalk. She's wiping her hands on her apron as she comes at us. She stops and then attacks Jasper on the sidewalk, with no regard for the luggage he's holding, practically knocking him over with the force of her hug. "Oh Jasper, honey," she says, holding his face in her hands. She inspects him quietly for a minute. "Have you gotten taller?"

"Mama, I don't think that's possible. I stopped growing at seventeen. Maybe it's the boots?"

She looks down and takes in his faded brown cowboy boots. "Maybe it is," she says. "Those are pretty sexy; I bet Edward likes those on you." She smirks and winks.

"Mom," Jasper admonishes.

"What? What did I say?" she asks, baffled.

I'm mortified _for_ him. I look around me and no one else seems to be bothered by this conversation; they're

busying themselves pulling things out of the car or maybe they're purposefully ignoring it.

Am I the only one who thinks that moms shouldn't say "sexy"?

Jasper shakes his head and kisses his mother on the cheek. "It's good to see you, Mama. Now, can I, uh, take these inside? They're a little heavy."

"Oh, of course. I'm sorry, baby," she says and lets him pass. She sets her sight on Bella and me next. I'm scared.

"Girls!" she says, walking toward us with her arms outstretched. I brace myself for round two of the hugging. Bella pulls me by the waist to meet her mother halfway, and they both squeeze me practically to death.

"Hi." I squeak the words.

She rocks us back and forth - for a while. At least I'm not the awkward too-long hugger this time around.

"Oh, I'm so happy to have you home, Bella. I've missed you so much," she says with such heartfelt sincerity that it makes my chest ache.

"I missed you too, Mom," Bella says in return.

And, Alice," she says, letting go of us and putting her hands on my face. "You're even more adorable in person."

_More_ adorable? In person? Before I can ask questions, Bella speaks up. "Yes, I sent her pictures of you. No, you can't complain."

I grumble under my breath because she knows I don't enjoy having my picture taken, and I have no idea how she managed it.

Mrs. Swan watches our somewhat silent exchange, her hand over her heart, her smile beaming. "Oh, you two. It's like you're married already."

"Mom," Bella admonishes. I see a pattern here.

After the love-fest is over and the car is unpacked, we all make our way inside the house. Letting everyone pass by me in the living room, I stop to take stock of everything around me. This house is... it's perfect. The familiar shape of every Cape Cod style house you've seen on TV and the sunny white exterior draws you in. Once inside, the feeling is warm, cozy, inviting - I could go on and on. There are framed pictures of Bella and Jasper, as well as the whole family, on almost every available surface. The late afternoon sun shines through the open bay window, creating shadows on the worn hardwood floors. They creak with each footstep. I bet Renee and Charlie have those noises memorized.

The couch and armchairs are obviously well-loved; I just want to curl up in them and watch movies and fall asleep. And those movies would look awesome on the enormous flat screen taking up residence in the middle of the living room. I can't help but sing "Which one of these things does not belong?" in my head. My only guess is that Charlie is behind the acquisition of that monstrosity. It sticks out like a sore thumb amongst all the other homey furnishings.

Ruining a perfectly good living room with electronics is totally a dad thing, too. I remember when my dad insisted that we needed a new stereo system, with sub-woofers. He ranted for days about the sub-woofers.

_"But Esme, you can't really hear the explosions in action movies without getting the entire sound system. It's an experience," he'd insisted. She of course rolled her eyes and told him to do whatever he needed to do to get "the experience" but if anything fell off her walls from the vibration, she would kill him._

I can't help but smile at the memory. My parents had rarely serious, and had always managed to poke fun at each other. Everything that I can remember prior to being a teenager was silly, fun, loving and kind. I imagine the Swans to be similar in their parenting style, based on what I've seen of them so far. An unwanted, but familiar ache for my mom and dad creeps up inside of me.

I've not allowed myself to feel this way - to miss them - for a very long time. I swallow down the lump in my throat and try to shake it off.

"Hey, you. Everything okay?" Bella asks, grabbing my hand, leading me into the kitchen.

"Yeah, just taking it all in," I say. "Are you taking me to the food now?"

"Something like that," she says. "I think my mom thought I was bringing forty people. There's a lot of choices if you like eggplant."

_Now I really want to cry._

**~oooOOOooo~**

Somehow, I had managed to force several spoonfuls of eggplant surprise down my throat. It burned a little going down, but I was full and that's all that mattered. I can't help it that I get cranky when I'm hungry...or tired...or in a car for an extended period of time. I'm a lot like a baby. As long as I'm rested, full and comfortable, I won't scream.

Dinner, in general, was very traditional, aside from the gross food. Mom and Dad, the kids and their significant others sitting together, sharing a home-cooked meal...ya know, things families do. It was nice.

While our stomachs were attempting to settle, Mrs. Swan, err, Renee regaled us with a truly embarrassing story about Bella putting a peanut up her nose and Jasper attempting to extract it with pliers. Bella hid her head in my shoulder, while I mercilessly laughed my head off. Needless to say, I would be using that as ammo when the time came.

"What a funny coincidence that the both of you live together, just like Bella and Jasper," Charlie says, directing the conversation to Edward and me. "Probably pretty rare for brothers and sisters to get along that well. These two used to fight like cats and dogs when they were young, but now...we love how close they are." There's an actual twinkle in his eye. God, he's such a dad. I love it.

"Well, he puts up with me for the most part," I say, joking. "I can be a pain in the ass, sometimes. I'm still baffled that he was willing to take me in after all that I put him through..." I look down at my plate. What am I doing? I want to slap my own face. The words simply flew out, I had no idea they were coming.

I feel Bella's hand squeeze mine under the table. Edward tries to rectify what had been an easy, light conversation.

"Oh, come on Alice. You're not a pain in the ass sometimes. You're a pain in the ass all the time."

Everyone laughs, but it's still awkward. He gives me a determined smile from across the table.

Instead of letting the subject die, I push it. "No, it's okay. I really was a pain in the ass. I got into trouble all the time. I guess I wanted the same attention that they gave you, and it didn't matter to me if it was good or bad." Edward's face is pale, he shakes his head minutely, telling me silently that I should stop.

Renee interjects. "Honey, that is typical second-child behavior. Completely normal. Jasper drove me nuts with detentions and bills for our neighbor's broken windows."

In the politest way possible, I disagree. "I'm sorry Mrs. Swan, but _normal_ kids get detention, or at their worst get expelled. _Normal _kids don't bring death upon their parents."

The tension in the room is palpable. I feel Bella start to open her mouth to speak, to save me, at least a few times. I don't look at her, I just grip her hand.

Charlie clears his throat. Loudly. I look straight as his face. This is the part where he rips me a new one and tells me to get out and never speak to Bella again. I steel myself for the onslaught.

"Listen to me, young lady. You don't know what you're talking about." Now he's pointing. " I know all about your past. You think I'd let my baby stick around you for one second if I wasn't absolutely sure that you were an innocent victim in all of that?" He raises his eyebrows in question.

I have no fucking idea how he knows so much, and it scares the shit out of me that he does, but I ask anyway.

"How...how do you know?"

As he speaks he looks directly into my eyes. Like he's interrogating me. He's good.

"Just so happens that a good buddy of mine, who I went through the academy with, is a detective in Chicago. He was sick about what happened. When he described the situation to me, I could tell he was baffled by just how much destruction one boy could cause. Honestly, I don't know that I've heard a sadder story than yours, Alice. I'm sorry for what happened to your folks. I'm sorry for both of you," he adds nodding at Edward.

His sincerity crushes me.

"Thank you...I mean, I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything. I just hope you know that this wasn't some isolated incident. Not even months after what happened to you, we had a similar situation near here, in Port Angeles. This kid killed three students. I had no idea that this kind of thing was happening in schools. Sometimes being in a small town, you aren't always aware of what's going on in the world around you."

I'm rendered speechless. He thinks the murder of my parents is something that happened _to_ me, and not _because_ of me. Is this why Bella is so understanding? Because she felt this way all along? Hadn't she already told me as much? Did I ever really listen to her?

No. I listen, but I never _believe_ the sympathetic explanations. I've never looked at it from this perspective, though. Why do I always have to be such a stubborn asshole?

"My point is, Alice, is that you don't know what kind of family life that boy who murdered your parents had, or the boy who killed his classmates. We can't really know if these kids were mentally stable to begin with. You just happened to be in his sights, and your mom and dad were in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"But if I had never bothered him...made him hate me..."

Charlie cuts me off. "Did his parents ever contact you? Ever try to blame you for any of this?"

"Um, no...I assumed they moved away or, I don't know...I never really considered..."

"Maybe, it's because they weren't around to begin with. I'm sure I wouldn't be off the mark to assume he may have had a traumatic childhood. Who knows what kind of abuse or neglect he may have suffered. It's a normal teen-aged thing to have a crush, it's quite another to kill for it. There's a missing piece there, Alice. If anyone is to blame for what happened that day, it's the person or persons who did not take care of that boy the way all children should be taken care of."

Traitorous tears slip down my cheeks. I swipe them away as quickly as I can.

"I have no idea what kind of life he had. He was so quiet..." I trail off, not trusting my voice.

"You couldn't have known, and it wasn't your responsibility to know. You were a kid. You still are," he says with a lop-sided smile.

"I probably sound like a broken record, but I don't know what to say. I guess...I never thought about things this way. I guess I have a lot to think about." Bella releases my hand and puts her arm around my shoulder, holding me closer to her.

"Now I'll admit, I had my reservations about you, after I put two and two together. The background check I did on you and Edward," he says, giving Edward a pointed look, "definitely made it easier to figure everything out."

"Dad!" Both Bella and Jasper shout in unison, shooting him looks of mortification.

Putting his hands up in defense, he says, "Settle down. It was nothing personal. I would do the same thing, regardless of who you kids are dating. And I don't care if its a gross misuse of my powers or not, so don't start with me. I'm the Chief - I'll do what I want. And I'll do anything to keep you safe."

Renee, who's been quietly watching our exchange, rubs her husband's back and kisses his cheek. He leans in to her. They obviously love each other very much. I realize Bella's been doing the same thing to me the entire time we've been talking. I guess I was right. It's definitely love.

"This has been a long day for all of you, so I'm going to shut my trap now. But I want you both to know," Charlie says with the utmost sincerity in his voice, "you are welcome in my home, anytime. You make my kids happy, and that makes me happy."

I nod and smile, "Thanks, Charlie."

Edward gets up from his chair, helping Jasper gather the dishes. "Really, sir. Thanks for having us," he says, stopping to squeeze my shoulder.

"Of course." Charlie nods and gets up from the table, and heads into to the living room, to burn his retinas with the giant television.

I have so many thoughts swirling in my head. I can't do much more socializing, I need some time to think. The boys are in the kitchen making more noise than probably necessary, but they're occupied, so I don't feel bad for asking Bella to take a walk with me alone.

"Just don't go too far, it's supposed to storm tonight," Renee warns us quietly. _Eavesdropper._ "And take your jackets."

"Okay, Mama," Bella indulges her, pulling her jacket on and offering mine to me. "We won't be gone long."

As soon as the door closes behind us, Bella grabs my hand and turns me toward her. "I'm sorry. I didn't think we'd be, ya know, diving into all that two hours after we got here. My dad likes to clear the air, know what I mean?"

"It's okay." I try to soothe the worry away from her face."I love your family. Maybe too much," I say, half-kidding. Bella raises an eyebrow knowingly, confirming that I did, in fact, hug her dad for too long. "Anyhow, it's better this way, right? Now I won't have to spend the whole week worrying about when it'll come up, and how they'll react, blah blah blah. And what's awesome is that they didn't freak out. I don't know. It's weird. I feel...good. Normal." I shrug, not knowing how to articulate the barrage of emotions coursing through my head.

She puts her hand on my forehead. "Are you feeling okay?"

For a moment, I'm alarmed. Does my face look weird? Do I have a rash? "Wh...what?"

"I was worried maybe you were coming down with something. Your positive attitude was showing."

"Hardy har har." I grab her hand. "Come on, show me around your...forest before it gets dark out here and something eats us." She rolls her eyes at me, and I pull her farther down the gravel driveway until we're closer to the cover of the trees.

Once we're hidden from any prying (parental) eyes, the notion that this is the first time we've been completely alone all day takes over all rational thought. Bella squeals as I scoop her up and press her hard against one of the larger tree trunks. I put my hands on either side of her, trapping her. "Sorry," I offer, leaning my forehead against hers. "I needed to be close to you. I'm a little out of my head right now. Being near you like this always makes me feel better."

"I was wondering when you were going to attack me," she says. Her breath is ragged, and her heart beats wildly. Mine is doing the same.

"The second I got the chance, as usual," I quickly reply. I glide my nose along her jaw and she wraps her arms around my waist, pulling me closer. I place a gentle kiss at the base of her neck, and work my way up and under her ear. My thoughts are jumbled and I try to push it all away. Memories I've tried to suppress threaten to rise to the surface. I try to focus on her skin and her smell. I need to be closer to her, impossibly closer. I haven't had her underneath me in days and when I imagine her there, my body sings with desire.

Unfortunately for my libido, and for Bella, I can't hold back the emotion that's been lurking in the back of my mind since I spoke about my parent's death. My lust crashes and burns and I bury my face in her neck. Hot tears flow freely along her shoulder and she squeezes me so hard I think I might break.

"Sshh. Alice, it's okay." My body shakes with silent sobs. I try to reign it in but the constant flashing of gruesome images, and echoes of gunshots and screams come too fast for me to stop them. I feel stupid and weak. I feel crazy and highjacked by my emotions. A few minutes of ridiculous crying later and I'm able to find my voice.

"I'm sorry, Bella." I look up, and find her face is tear-stained as well. "I'm all over the place. You must think I've completely lost it."

She takes my face in her hands and looks me dead in the eye. "I don't think that. Please don't apologize for your pain. It kills me to see you this way, but it's nothing to be sorry for." She leans her forehead against mine. She breathes the words, "I love you. I want to help you."

"I love you too, Bella. But I don't know how you can help me. I don't even know how to help myself." Desperation laces my every word. This is all new to me: wanting to learn how to forgive myself. It's never been an option. Now I have other reasons to do it, not just some selfish need to release the burden of guilt. I wanted to bear it, I felt it was only fair. That's not the case anymore. The significance of my guilt has slowly waned, bit by bit, since I met Bella. There are just more important things for me in life now.

She sighs deeply. "Let's sit." Bella tugs on my arm and we sit cross-legged on the ground, facing each other. Twigs and rocks dig into my ass and legs, but it's better down here. It's solid.

Warily, she speaks. "Don't get upset, and please hear me out, okay?"

"Bella..." I already know where this is going. Fucking therapy. It takes every part of me not to be rude and roll my eyes.

"Please?" Her eyes are pleading. _Ugh_.

"Okay, I'll listen. That's the only thing I'm going to agree to right now."

"_For _now," she clarifies. Now her eyes are hopeful. _Dammit._

"Fine, _for_ now." I gesture for her to continue. Might as well get it over with.

"I'm not going to sit here and tell you that going to therapy will fix everything. Because it won't. But maybe you could just try it, give it another shot? I'm obviously not the foremost authority on this stuff, but the loss both you and Edward suffered was incredible. Anyone with an ounce of compassion would agree with me. At some point, you have to grieve, without guilt."

The tears have gone, but the lump in my throat, and the ache in my chest only intensifies as she speaks.

She continues. "You don't know how incredibly happy it makes me to hear you say that you felt good, and normal. You deserve it. You deserve happiness. You think the whole world judges you for this one thing, but in reality, they judge you for everything you do. We're all judged constantly. The one thing I've learned for myself, from going to therapy, was that I can't change what other people around me think...it'll never happen. As soon as I stopped trying, I stopped hurting. I stopped worrying so much about all the things I could have done, should have done...it was so freeing.

I know that there are so many facets to the fears you face, and the burden of guilt. That alone justifies a need for someone with the skill to listen."

Her words are determined and her eyes are pleading. I can't even look at her face. I don't want to disappoint her, but I can't do something I'm not ready for.

I pick at the dirt and sticks on the ground, letting it all sink in. I find that her argument is more than slightly convincing. I've always just shut it down on the spot whenever the topic came up, now here I am...reconsidering.

I ask myself a few questions: Is she pushing me to do this? No, I don't think she is. Does she think I need it? Yes, apparently she does. Will it kill me? No, probably not. Am I sick and tired of facing these things that haunt me every single day? The answer to that is unequivocally fucking yes.

I can't hold back my smile.

"What?" She asks warily.

"After that little speech, there's no way I could say no to you," I tell her. "Sold."

"Really? That was too easy." She narrows her eyes. "What's the catch?"

I feel a raindrop hit my shoulder and I stand up, offering her my hands. "No catch. I've never heard you sound so sure of something, and it's inspiring, I guess. I want to feel that way, too. I might not like talking about all my shit with a stranger - actually, I'm sure I won't - but I'll try it."

"I can live with that," she says, smiling.

**~oooOOOooo~**

I thought sleeping together in Bella's twin bed would be cute and romantic or some shit. I was wrong. I woke up half on the bed and half on the floor. My neck was bent in an odd direction, which will probably cause permanent damage to my spine. I had a nice little plan to wake Bella by way of my hand down her pants, but you can hear everything between these walls. I know because there are at least three other people snoring right now, and Jasper talks about guitar chords and moonshine in his sleep.

Considering that Bella isn't exactly quiet, and I don't want to be mortified for the rest of my life, I've reconsidered my plan. I know I won't be able to go the rest of the week without some sort of sexy time, so I'll have to think of something else.

My perverted musings are interrupted by Renee knocking on the door, letting us know breakfast is ready. _Oh God. What will it be this time?_

After a breakfast of cereal, which I'm incredibly thankful for, Bella and Jasper decide to take us on a tour of Forks. It takes seventeen minutes. We drive through "town" and see the hardware store where Bella used to work. Edward cracks jokes about lesbians and power tools, I smack the back of his head and we move on to the high school. It looks exactly like every other high school in the world. I don't think either of them had very good experiences there, because neither of them have much to say about the place. I suggest we don't linger, and Jasper peels out of the parking lot.

_What was the point of that? No one even saw it._ I roll my eyes._ Boys._

"Alright, kids. One last stop and you'll have seen it all," Jasper announces. I look over at Bella, questioning what it could possibly be. We saw the schools, the stores, the trees...and the rest of the trees.

She motions that her lips are zipped and I tickle her side. She laughs and bats my hands away. "Just be patient!" I still try to tickle her.

"Come on, where are we going?" I whine.

"We saved this next destination for last. It's especially for you, midget," Edward adds, turning around in his seat and winking. I'm gonna beat his ass. How is he in on this too?

I watch out the window, craning my neck, causing myself severe spine pain, and then I see it...holy shit...it's the diner! Yay! I bounce up and down in my seat because I cannot wait to shove a burger down my throat. This is the best day. I turn around and pounce Bella. She squeals and I pretend to maul her.

"Hey! You're bouncing the Jeep!" Jasper yells. "Calm down, it's just food." Edward snorts at the understatement. Jasper doesn't understand.

Edward explains it to him. "Jas, Alice eats take-out at least twice a day. She has some sort of aversion to food cooked in a house. It's freakish, I know."

I ignore their bastardy-type comments and haul ass out of the car once we've parked.

Only the sounds of forks and knives clattering against plates, and the slurping from straws floating in giant cups of soda can be heard at our booth. Not one word has been uttered since the gloriously greasy food was placed in front of us. It's not even all that great, but it's not made by Bella's mom, and that's all that matters. When it's all over, I lean against the back of the booth and pat my stomach; it's as hard as a rock, and a little protruded. Definitely have a food baby in there.

Everyone else seems to be mimicking my position, trying to allow more room for their over-indulgences to fit within the confines of their stomachs."I think I'm going to need to take a walk," I blurt. "I feel like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man."

"Me too," Edward mumbles, still shoving the last of his fries in his mouth. He raises his arms above his head, swaying them back and forth, impersonating the marshmallow man, but what ends up looking more like Frankenstein. He turns his body towards Jasper and begins chanting, "I'm going to explooode." He leans over into Jasper's small amount of booth space. His elbow knocks the water glasses over, creating not only a huge mess, but a spectacle of our table.

Of course Bella and I are laughing through the entire scene. Jasper was too, until the front of his pants became soaked with ice cold water.

"Ah crap. I look like I pissed myself," he whines, but still laughs. "Let's get outta here before they throw us out," he mumbles, trying fruitlessly to wipe up the spill from his lap. Edward's apologies and attempts to help him clean up are less than sincere, considering he's biting back his laughter the entire time.

As we leave the diner, laughing too loudly and holding hands, pretty much every head in the place is turned in our direction. Having the attention of strangers, good or bad, would normally bother me, but right now I'm too busy being insanely happy to care.

I try to lean over in my seat, attempting to give into my food coma on Bella's lap, but the damn thing won't budge.

"Just unbuckle it," she says. I look at her.

"No way. Are you crazy? I can't do that. The car is moving."

"But it's the backseat," she points out, as if I need reminding. "You don't have to wear one."

"Bella, you always have to wear a seat belt in a moving vehicle," I say sternly. "Back or front. It's dangerous not to. You could fly through the windshield from back here." I recognize the increasing pitch of my voice, and try to reel it in. "I mean, anything could happen." I put on my concerned face.

"Okay," she says simply, and turns to look out the window. I don't miss the straightening of her shoulders, or the annoyed sigh.

"What?" I ask, not intending to sound so put off.

She turns back to me and lets out a short laugh. "You, Grandma Alice. It's a frigging fifteen-minute ride back to my parent's house, and you're acting like we might find ourselves in a high-speed chase with armed drug dealers. Can you just chill out? Relax a little bit." She rolls her eyes, and returns to staring out the window.

_Whoa. Are we arguing? I think we are. And it's over something really dumb. Perfect._

In a childish move, I respond snottily, "I'm simply concerned about your safety. Excuse me for caring." I literally cross my arms over my chest, and move as far away from her as I can. Then I huff, because everything else wasn't dramatic enough.

Neither boy in the front seat makes a move, or utters a sound. They're obviously uncomfortable. I'm kind of enjoying it.

She doesn't respond to my immaturity, and I silently simmer because of it. I think about what she says. Even though I don't want to. Is she right? Do I act like a grandma? Am I lame? Overprotective? Don't I act my age - wild and crazy, and all that business?

Um, no. Not really. Occasional social drinking to the point of mild intoxication is pretty much my version of extreme. I roll my eyes at myself. Well, I'll show her.

"Bella," I whisper, reaching my hand out to touch her arm. "I'm sorry. You're right. I need to relax. I apologize for being bitchy."

When she looks at me I see amusement written all over her face. "You don't need to apologize. I understand, it's your nature to be protective of me, and I love you for it. I shouldn't give you a hard time. I'm sorry I was bitchy, too. Forgive me?"

She motions that I should come closer, and I do. I kiss her face and nudge my arm underneath hers. "Nothing to forgive."

From the front seat I hear, "That was the lamest fight ever."

"Shut up, Edward," Bella and I say in unison.

When the snickering up front ceases, I blurt, "So, I don't know about you guys, but I think it's time to get a little wild and crazy. What's there to do around here that's dangerous?" A little bit of my teenage self rears her irresponsible head.

"Alice." Bella's tone is slightly warning. "I didn't mean that I wanted you to do something _dangerous_..."

"No, no," I say cutting her off. "I know what you meant. And you're right. I've kept myself in check for a long time. I deserve some fun."

Eyeing me warily, she asks, "What kind of fun?"

We pull into the gravel driveway. Jasper cuts the ignition, but no one moves to get out.

I shrug. "I don't know, something that involves shitty beer and possibly drinking games that force us to reveal embarrassing things about ourselves. We could do anything; the forest is our oyster." No one laughs. Whatever. I thought it was funny.

Jasper chimes in. "We could always go down to First Beach. Have a bonfire, camp there for the night." Even in the darkened car, I catch the apprehensive look he gives Bella in the rear view mirror.

Her eyes widen, and she gives him a questioning look. I don't understand the silent exchange at first, then it all clicks.

"Is that the same beach?" I ask.

"Yeah, I mean, she hangs out there. Or she did. I don't even know if she even lives on the Rez anymore. It's fine, you guys. We can go to the beach. I'm not worried about it, so you shouldn't be either." I don't believe her blase' attitude at all.

"Listen, if you don't want to go to the beach, then we won't go. I was just thinking we should take advantage of this beautiful night, but we can go somewhere else. Anyway, if Leah or any other asshole messes with you, I'll kick their ass."

I'm being serious. But they all laugh. All of them. Fuckers.

"We'll keep that in mind if we encounter a band of evil children," Edward says."You're the perfect height to deflect their ankle biting." I move to slap him in the back of the head, but he ducks and I miss.

"Guys," Bella calls out, pulling me back by my shirt. "We're going to First Beach. We're borrowing from Charlie's beer stash, having a good time, and no one is kicking anyone's ass. Got it?'

_Oh yeah. I like it when she gets aggressive._

There are some "woohoo's" and maybe a "giddyup" from the boys as they get out of the car. I reach my hand slightly under the skirt of Bella's dress and squeeze her thigh just above her knee. Did I mention how much I enjoy summer dresses?

"I got it," I say against her ear.

"Get out of the car, Alice. You can squeeze anywhere you want...later," she says with a wink and a kiss to my cheek.

Yes. I will definitely be squeezing things later.

With a quick explanation to Renee and Charlie, we load up the Jeep with tents, sleeping bags, more beer than I thought one person should have stored in their house at any given time, and snacks that will probably not get eaten.

The sky is dark when we're back on the road headed to La Push, the Quileute Reservation. I love all the strange names, and wonder what they mean in English. I can only imagine what it's all going to look like. It's not at all what I expect when we begin to pass small dilapidated homes, dimly lit by random street lamps every few miles.

The car is relatively quiet other than the low gravelly sounds of the music Jasper's been entertaining us with. He's a whiz at making road trip CDs.

Edward and I are taking in all the scenery we can manage. We've both been kind of dazzled by this place; I catch him checking everything out the same way I've been; like he doesn't want to miss anything.

I hold Bella's hand from across the seat, and rub my thumb over her knuckles hoping to ease some of the tension and worry I know she's feeling, but won't admit to.

The homes become fewer and further between the closer we get to the beach. With the window rolled down, I can already smell the ocean air, and feel the slightly damp wind against my face.

I get excited. I feel like a kid.

We drag all of our things down the rocky pathway. I listen and follow the footsteps in front of me for guidance. There is absolutely no light other than the moon. I really, really hope Jasper knows where he's going. When I feel my feet sink a little, I know I've hit the sand and I relax, no longer worried about tripping and falling, gouging my eye out.

"Wow, this is amazing," I say, dropping the tent and bags unceremoniously at my feet. Inky black water mimics the sky. I only know it's there because I hear the waves as they crash against the rocks. "I've never been to a beach at night, it's a little eerie, but beautiful at the same time."

Bella comes up behind me, wrapping her arms around my waist. "I've always loved it here. Whenever I needed to think, I'd just sit on the rocks for hours, letting my mind wander, and I would always feel so centered when I left. I miss this place a lot."

I clasp my hands around hers. "Well, I guess that means we'll have to come visit more often then. I love it here."

I feel her smile against my back as she holds me tighter. She kisses the back of my neck. "I'd love that."

"Alright, enough kissy-kissy you two, let's pitch the tents," Jasper commands. "And shut up, you know what I mean."

_I didn't even say anything this time!_

The tents, which are the size of small homes I might add, are erected, sleeping bags arranged, and the crackling fire is burning bright. This is how we found ourselves at around midnight. We sat around the fire and drank a few beers, and when that became a little boring we played in the water a bit, just dipping our feet in. It was really fucking cold. And scary. I'd had my fill after a tangle of seaweed became twisted around my ankle. I was positive it was a sea creature. I screamed like a bitch, embarrassing myself in the process.

The combination of a light head thanks to one too many Rainier's, and a racing heart, had sent me back to the bonfire, where I could sit down and collect myself.

I crack open another one, because what the hell, I'm already buzzed so I might as well keep going.

Breathless and laughing, Bella runs through the sand over to where I'm sitting. She plops herself down next to me on a large tree trunk that we'd arranged like furniture.

She wraps her arms around me and shivers.

"Cold?"

"Freezing. I think I stayed in the water too long," she says, her teeth chattering.

"Come here," I say, lifting up my arm, allowing her to burrow into my side.

"Better?"

She leans her head on my shoulder and sighs. "Much."

In a somber silence we watch the flames jump and dance, hissing and cracking against the weathered branches we had collected and piled in the pit. It's easy to lose yourself watching the fire flicker and try to escape it's confines. I wonder how it is I came to be here, in this place in my life. How did I get so lucky?

The sounds of laughter in the distance breaks the mesmerizing spell of the fire. Jasper and Edward join us, both of them windswept and obviously a little drunk.

"Hey, guys. Having fun?" I ask, amused by their behavior.

They're practically stumbling over each other. "Uh, yeah," Edward says, his speech slurred. "I'm pretty tired, though. I think we're going to bed. See you in the morning." Jasper stands behind Edward, burying his face in his back, shaking with laughter.

"Yeah, uh huh. See you in the morning." Tired my ass.

Bella whispers in my ear, "I guess this means we won't get the pleasure of hearing Jasper's scary tales of Quileute werewolves and the vampires they supposedly hunt in the woods."

"Um, no. I suppose not. I'm guessing that your brother is going to do my brother soon, so maybe we should get as far away as we can."

"And you thought I was crazy for wanting to put our tent so far away from theirs," she says, one hand on her hip.

"Fine, fine. You're a genius. Now can we go please?" I douse the fire with water from the cooler and grab the few blankets we brought out with us. Bella and I trudge our way over to our tent, our wet feet sinking in the cold sand.

I unzip the tent and throw the blankets in ahead of us. Climbing in, I kneel down and start spreading them out. Bella follows me in, zipping the doorway back together. I'm warning her about how cold it'll probably be later, and that I knew just a few blankets and a sleeping bag probably wouldn't be enough when she clears her throat. "What?" I ask, without turning around, still trying to arrange our makeshift bed.

"Alice, stop screwing with blankets and turn around."

Slowly, I turn in her direction, and am met face to face with a naked, kneeling Bella.

"How did you..." I start to ask. Quickly, I realize I don't care how she got undressed so fast.

I grab her hips and pull her closer to me. First nuzzling my face in her neck, then kissing and nipping at the soft skin. She rests her arms on my shoulders, slipping her fingers under the collar of my shirt.

She whispers, "I want you." Even in the dark, her eyes speak volumes as they search mine.

I attack her, my mouth colliding with hers. Our kissing is not light or tentative, but manic and desperate. Teeth knocking, wet lips and hungry moans. She grabs fistfuls of my hair and pulls it, trying to bring my mouth closer to hers. It's painful. It feels good.

I break away to catch my breath. I kiss her neck and her chest. She holds on to me, closes her eyes and lazily lets her head fall back. I move my hand between her legs and simply hold my palm against her heated skin. I'm not ready to make her come yet. She gasps and bucks against my hand. I find it incredibly hot that she's completely naked in front of me while I'm fully clothed.

"I like you like this," I tell her. "I feel like you're mine." I glide my hands along her bare back, feeling the curve of her spine, then her ass, squeezing and kneading the pliant flesh.

"Mmm, baby. I _am_ yours." She opens her eyes and looks at me pointedly. "I love you."

I press my forehead against hers. "I love you too, Bella." I kiss her more, deeper, until I'm dizzy from it.

My knees begin to ache so I move us to lie down on the blankets.

She straddles my waist and I explore every inch of her skin with my finger tips. As she hovers over me I taste the ocean and the wind. She shivers when I take her nipple into my mouth. Licking, sucking, pulling.

Her hips rock against me, and I can feel the heat between her thighs. She rolls us over. I sit up and she helps me lift my shirt off. We lock eyes while she works to get the rest of my clothing off. There's definitely lust in her eyes but there's so much more. She wants me right now, but I also feel wanted in a more permanent way. I know this deep in my bones. And I hope she knows I feel the exact same way.

When our naked breasts are pressed together and we're as close as we can possibly be, I tease her mouth with my tongue and slide my fingers inside her. She moans because it feels so good to be filled and fucked. I moan because it's me making her feel her this way.

I'm aching for her. I grind myself on her thigh and she pushes it up against me, creating a delicious friction. I lay my head on her chest and she threads her fingers through my hair. We squirm and writhe and buck, each of us trying to make the other come with fierce determination. I forget about my needs and push the muscles in my arm to the point of aching until I she cries out, her nails digging into my back. She rides out her orgasm quietly, clinging to me. I kiss her cheeks and her chin and her nose and her lips.

When she's caught her breath, she pulls me forward, my pussy over her lips and tongue. She hungrily laps and licks, until I'm begging her to never stop. _Never stop._

I come hard and fast, wishing I had something to cling to but the nylon of the tent wall provides no such thing, so I let myself fall to the side of her, curling up close, enjoying the tingle that's extended to every nerve ending in my body.

Tangled together, we fall asleep to the rhythm of our hearts and the crashing of the waves, and I think I could live that way forever.

**~oooOOOooo~**

The morning is just... ugh... dreary. The sky is shrouded in a blanket of gray mist, coating my face only minutes after I step out of the tent. Obvious hangovers and little sleep have stolen our ability to function normally. The four of us are sluggish and grumpy; barely a word is spoken while we pack up and tear down. I can think of nothing other than a gigantic cup of steaming black coffee, and a shower. I throw the last of my things in a pile by the fire pit and take a seat on the damp log. I'm already tired enough for a nap.

"All packed?" Bella asks as she takes a seat next to me.

"Yep."

"Wanna come take a walk with me?" Standing, she holds out both of her hands and pulls me with her.

"Walking sounds...great," I say with little to no enthusiasm.

She always laughs at my sarcasm. Little does she know, that it only spurs more sarcasm. "Come on, this might be last time you ever see this place," she reminds.

We walk along the desolate beach, hand in hand, the wind whipping across our skin. She's quiet, staring out at the sinister-looking water.

"Why did you say that? About never coming back," I ask, breaking the comfortable silence.

She looks over at me, her eyes searching mine. "I don't know." She shrugs, looking down and picking at a thread on her jacket sleeve. "I guess I didn't think I'd come back to visit much after this, ya know? Or with you..." she trails off.

"Oh." I don't understand. "Why?"

She looks surprised. "Do you? Want to come back here?"

"Uh, yeah. Absolutely. I love it here. It's your home, and it kinda feels like home to me now. That sounds dumb, I know." I shut my mouth. I sound like an idiot.

"It's not dumb, Alice. I thought maybe it would be too hard for you...to see my family all the time." She swallows thickly, looking away from me.

"The exact opposite is true, Bella. I would love to visit more. Maybe without you know who," I whisper, motioning back to our camp.

She smiles and looks hopeful. "Yeah? You think we can come back for Thanksgiving or Christmas?"

"Sure." Why isn't she looking at me?

"Okay," she says quietly. She stops walking, and turns herself away from me, staring again out at the water.

"Bella. What's wrong?"

She seems to snap out of whatever it is that's making her act so strangely. Almost... nervous.

She takes a deep breath, blows it out slowly. "I've avoided coming back home for so long because I thought it would be too painful. I missed my parents, but I didn't want to relive all the shitty memories that came with being here. But being here with _you_, it changed everything. I have new memories now..." She stops talking and worries her lip.

I think this is a good thing - what she's saying - but her facial expressions are so hard to read. She looks resolved and happy, but also afraid. I'm about to tell her to come out with it - whatever she has to say to me,

when she finally does.

"Alice, I want to have new memories with you... everywhere." Her eyes are glassy from unshed tears. She takes both my hands in hers, looks into my eyes, and opens her mouth to speak. A few times. And finally she says, "I don't want us to be apart if we don't have to be anymore. Live with me, Alice."

_GASP._

* * *

**A/N:**

**So I didn't get this out as quickly as I'd hoped, but I still think it was quicker than last time. LOL That counts for something, right? I hope so. ;-)**

**Thank you for reading. I love you.**

**I'm raisin' the roof in honor of my betas MessyBar & HoochieMomma, and the world's best pre-reader, ColorTheEra. Thank you ladiessss.**

**XOXO**


	13. Chapter 13 Way Tight

_i'll tell you what  
there is plenty wrong with me_

_but i fixed up a few old buildings_

_and i've planted a few trees_

_and children seem to like me_

_and animals too_

_like the birds_

_and the bees_

_~~  
and eating a sandwich_

_standing over the kitchen counter_

_with only the sound of chewing in the room_

_i can see you as a challenge_

_that i will eagerly meet_

_cuz you are way way way way sweet_

**Way Tight by Ani DiFranco**

_Previously..._

_"Alice, I want to have new memories with you... everywhere." Her eyes are glassy from unshed tears. She takes both my hands in hers, looks into my eyes, and opens her mouth to speak. A few times. And finally she says, "I don't want us to be apart if we don't have to be anymore. Live with me, Alice."_

_GASP_.

~Alice~

Of course I'm going to say yes. I mean, duh, Bella. However, at the moment, I'm lost in a day dream. A litany of images floated through my head: a cliche lazy Sunday, our dog jumping up onto our bed and ruining our newspaper and breakfast spread; the two of us laughing and shooing him away. The idea makes me smile – a stupid, goofy smile – and I know it's right.

"Alice. I'm dying here," she says, her voice a whisper and her eyes begging me to say something, anything.

I never had any doubt that I wanted to be with her. I simply wanted to imagine it first.

I take in her teary brown eyes, the pink bottom lip she's been chewing, the long tendrils of chestnut hair blowing in the ocean wind, and realize this might be one of those moments that will stay with me forever. I know it's silly, and it's only us moving in together, but for me it's so much more than that. For once, I feel like I deserve this and that realization floors me.

I grab her hand, pulling her to me.

"Yes, silly girl. Now come here, so I can kiss you all proper like."

Kissing her is still one of my most favorite activities. Her lips against mine is always a thrill; the feeling of her grabbing my shirt in her hand, and running her fingers through my hair, creates tingles from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. I'll never tire of it, never, ever, ever.

"Let's go home," I say, leaning my forehead against hers, feeling her shiver from the cold breeze.

Jasper and Bella's goodbyes to their parents are long and drawn out, and for me, emotionally exhausting. And I'm totally okay with that. I feel like I'm saying goodbye to distant relatives, and I know my brother feels it too. It would be the only explanation for why he's been holding my hand this whole time.

Or he's afraid of the woods behind their house. It's hard to say.

Before leaving town, we stop for gas and food. I hand my credit card to Jasper and ask him to pump because Edward says the smell of gas makes him nauseous. Such a wuss. Bella and I head into the little convenience store that's attached to the station. We need snacks.

I'm perusing the chip aisle, pondering what's worse: cheesy Cheeto fingers while driving or the smell complaints from my passengers if I go with the Funyons. I settle for a third option - salt and vinegar kettle chips because they are fucking delicious and they don't stink...very much. Bella is apparently having the same issue near the cold case because the fifty varieties of water are difficult to choose from.

I call over to her. "B, grab me a Vitamin Water, would ya? The orange one, and if they don't have that then get the one that's like lemonade."

As I'm reaching behind the row of bags to find the perfect one, I hear my name called.

"Alice? Can you come over here?" She sounds upset, and weird.

I walk over to where she's standing, near the back of store. Next to her I see a tall, dark-skinned woman with jet black hair. Her eyes are just as dark, and are currently giving my girl the once over. Her smile is fake and yet charming at the same time.

No fucking way.

"What's going on?" I ask no one in particular.

Bella's voice is quiet but firm. "Alice, this is Leah. Leah, this is my girlfriend, Alice." She stands closer to me, and I wrap my arm around her waist.

Even though it's probably incredibly obvious, I look straight at Bella, writing the question all over my face: Shake her hand or punch her in the jaw?

She shakes her head, knitting her brows together.

Dammit. For now.

"Nice to meet you," I say, extending my hand. She takes it, daintily...which is not what I expected. She introduces her friend to the both of us.

"This is my girl...um, my friend, Emily." Slight embarrassment flashes in her eyes.

Emily looks a bit perturbed by that slip-up.

"Nice to meet you, Emily," I reply, alone, since Bella's become mute. I look at her in the corner of my eye and she's shooting daggers at Leah. I try not to laugh at my ferocious girl.

This little meeting needs to end because I don't want to fight in a gas station or get arrested by Mr. Swan. I shudder just thinking about it.

"So, uh, Bella and I were just grabbing some food for the road, on our way back to Chicago." Raising my eyebrows and nodding for no reason other than I don't know how else to leave, I motion to the our car sitting in front of the lone pump. Leah and Emily look towards the window and then at each other.

"Huh. Well, it was good to see you again, Bella," Leah says, sickly sweet. "Have a nice trip with your little friend."

Now I'm totally pissed and could easily go for the jaw punch but it's not worth it. Until she winks at Bella.

Her friend, who is apparently a lot smarter, shoves her shoulder. "Leah, knock it off. Let's go."

"What?" she questions. "I didn't even do anything!" she says, laughing. She rolls her eyes and starts to walk away. I'm about to go to town on her face when the brunette next to me finally finds her voice.

"Seriously, Leah? That's all you've got? Some thirteen year-old girl's sarcasm? Does she know you stole it?"

Leah turns around, sighs loudly, and says in a fucking enraging baby voice, "What's the matter, Bella? Are you still mad at me for kicking you out of my bed? Hmm?"

Fucking whore.

"You wish, Leah. You really wish. If I'm being honest, and I am, the way you treated me sucked a lot, and I did think you were perfect and all that bullshit. And I'm sorry that I was so blind. But you're sadly mistaken if you think that I'm still pining over you after all this time."

Woah. Hell yeah. You fucking tell her, baby.

"Whatever you say, Bella. If that's truly the case then why are you even standing here talking to me? You would have ignored me and went on your way. I think you want your girl here to see what kind of competition she's had in the past. That's what I think." She cocks an eyebrow in challenge.

That smug smile needs to be slapped off her mouth. That's what I think.

"I'm leaving," Emily blurts out of nowhere. "You're on your own, man. Nice to meet you two," she says to us, shaking her head, obviously not willing to stick around and watch the drama unfold. The bells over the door ring and she walks away leaving her so-called friend to fend for herself.

"Do you even have any friends left at this point, Leah? Why do you treat everyone like shit? I will never understand that. It's been years now, and you're still the same awful person that I remember. I feel sorry for you," Bella says, her voice sad but defiant.

"You don't know shit about me, Bella Swan. I can't believe you had the guts to show your face around here after you humiliated yourself. If anyone should feel sorry it should be me, feeling sorry for you." She waves her hand towards me. "And then you bring this one with you, parade her around like some ridiculous lesbian poster girl. It's pathetic." Leah spits the words out.

Looking down at her feet, Bella shakes her head, and I hear her laugh a little. I didn't particularly think her calling me a lesbian poster girl was that funny, but...

Bella surprises us all when she raises her voice. "Now you've pissed me off."

Suddenly she's in Leah's face, like right up in there - not an inch of personal space left between them. I move to separate them and someone grabs my arm. I turn to beat up this person and see that it's Jasper. He simply says, "Let her do this." He motions for me to come outside with him but he's on crack if he thinks I'm leaving her in here alone.

Reluctantly, I move away. I will fuck Leah up if she puts a hand on Bella, but I'll let her handle it for the time being.

Wow, I've been feeling very violent since I've walked into this convenience store. We should really go now.

Leah huffs like a teenager being scolded. "Oh, have I? I am so very, very sorry." Her features are twisted in a mask of pure sarcastic bitchiness.

"You have no right," Bella says, grinding her teeth, " to speak about Alice like that. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I will not tolerate it. Say you're sorry."

Leah's eyes widen. So do mine. Bella is a little scary right now.

Before she fights back, Leah hesitates. Her mouth opens, but she says nothing. It's clearly written on her face that she is seething with hatred - but I'm not entirely sure who it's directed to.

When she does speak, her tone is venomous. "Fuck that. There's no way that's ever going to happen. What I'm saying is the truth. It's time you face it, Bella. Everyone knows you're a weak little girl, and now you've just got a new friend that makes you look tough."

As much as I'm not enjoying this girl, I can't help but feel embarrassed for her. She's so angry, and I think at herself mostly. I've been there. But my Bella isn't going to back down, regardless of Leah's obvious emotional issues.

"This is the last thing I'm ever going to say to you, Leah Clearwater. So listen up." Bella punctuates each word with a finger to her chest. "I am not weak. I am strong. I'm proud of who I am. And this woman behind me, isn't only my friend, she's my lover, and my whole life. You should _wish _that someday you have what I have."

I keep my tears at bay. God, I love her.

Leah has nothing to say in return. She stands, rigid, except for the rapid rise and fall of her chest. Her arms are crossed. She's so angry, and I think, possibly, a little hurt.

I grab Bella's shaking hand, pulling her away from the scene we've undoubtedly created.

"Oh, and one more thing: Your bed was nothing in comparison to hers. She fucks me and makes me come like you never could. Then she makes me breakfast."

Talk about ending on a high note. I'll just go ahead and pat my self on the back now...

It does suck that we have to leave without the snacks, I guess we can get them somewhere else. I just hope they have the same selection.

What? Salt and vinegar chips are good!

As we walk back to the car, I ask her if she's okay.

"Yeah, I mean, it sucked, but, yeah I'm okay." She looks up and me smiles nervously. "Are you okay?'"

"Me? Hell yeah, I'm great. You just pronounced me Sex Goddess to a room full of strangers, including the girl that broke your heart. I'll say that's on the list of top ten best days for Alice Cullen."

I hold the car door open for her. She tilts her head and eyes me sweetly. "Alice?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"Shut up and take me home."

* * *

**A/N: Yeah...so...um, sorry about all that waiting. *hangs head in shame* If you're still reading, you're an awesome person and I like you very much. I'm going to make my best effort to post every couple of weeks. I know, I know...you're thinking: "you always say that"... Anyway, thank you so much for reading. **

**Holla to my homies: HoochieMomma, ColorTheEra and LadyMama for your love, skillz, and support. *secret handshake***

**Don't forget the blog with the pictures: www dot redletteryear dot blogspot dot com**

**Peace.**


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